Listening to Sheryl Crow - The First Cut is the deepest
To Boon, Jo, Steph, Shu and En: Thank You for kind concern. I really appreciate it. Getting injured on the boat is so common. I get bumped, banged, scratched, on almost every patrol. Just that the fall two days ago was the worst thus far. Nevermind, I still thank God for my safety. I'll try to take care, but sometimes, I never expect such things to happen even when I take precautions.
I can still walk and I'm not paralysed, so thank God. And I also thank God for my wonderful cellgroup, who have prayed for my healing. Many of them were rather surprised to see me meet up with them yesterday. I would rather not miss an opportunity to meet up with God due to some small injury. If I can walk, I can go.
Things haven't been going really well for me lately. Things are as bad as ever at home, with my brother causing additional misery and stress to mum. Work-related injuries, work and of all things. Church. Depression seems to be creeping up slowly on me. Nevertheless, I try not to let my sadness show and put effort into maintaining a cheerful demeanour at work.
Church today was lousy. Ministry really got in the way of my focus on the service. I was distracted more than half the time during the service. Could not focus on the praise, the worship, the sermon and even during prayer. This is probably my lousiest service this whole year. I feel that church was rather lukewarm today. Praise was no good, worship fared only slightly better. During the sermon I could not even focus and towards the end, more ministry work got in the way. I left the service really unhappy.
Even though there are two services in church. I can only serve and attend one. For the other service, I'm outside the sanctuary. No repeats for me, unlike the other ministry staff. Perhaps, that is just the disadvantage with starting at the lowest bottom rug of ministry work. Almost everyone is above me in length of service, so being the newbie, I get all the most disliked duties. I take it in good faith, no problem with that, but at least, not at the expense of quality time with God. Serving God is always good, but certainly not at the expense of growing in Christ.
Even my duties at ministry today were just no good. I was not performing the way I should be performing. I am not happy with myself with regards to serving God well. I need to learn to perform my duties better and excel in ministry. Its not for my ego, it is just so that I might be a better servant to God in ministry. Well, nevermind. My leaders in ministry are rather forgiving of my many mistakes. They don't scold or rebuke me. They simply teach and I prefer this mode of correction.
The other thing that made me rather depressed today was that I met up with a previous cellgroup member of mine. She is this really nice girl. Came to church a few months after me. I remember her kindness towards me: When I was broke, she bought me my first bible study workbook. I will never forget her kindness. Today, I met up with her again and I realise that I am so far behind in my bible study as compared to her. I am ashamed. She comes to church later than me and is now 3 courses ahead of me in Bible study. Not to compare, but I really feel that I am lagging in this area.
I have to admit that I have been feeling rather dry lately. I don't seem to have that passion for God anymore, I don't seem to love Him as much as I used to and I don't seem to enjoy Him as much as I had. I feel that I am backsliding. Sigh. Feeling far from God during these trying times is the last thing I would like on my mind. I know should be relying on my faith much more than feelings. But it just "feels" like that intimacy with the Lord is gone. Another point of contention.
I need to love God more, I need to love His Word more. I need to be a better Christian. God is so faithful towards me, but it always seems to be me being so faithless as well as unfaithful towards Him. I've let God down countless times in my life and for that I wish it were not so. But I can't do anything about the past. I can only focus on the future, to be what God wants me to be. To fulfill His will for my life.
Well, I have sentry duty at the base tomorrow. I would not say that my national service sucks. I think the more appropriate quote I ought to use would be, "The base is rotten". Besides, the stress of university applications are really getting to me. Nevermind, I will still trudge on in Christ. I have chosen Him. Go is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
I love God. As much as that sounds rather hypocritical right now. I know that if I keep going on. One day, I'll be a great testimony for Jesus.
To Boon, Jo, Steph, Shu and En: Thank You for kind concern. I really appreciate it. Getting injured on the boat is so common. I get bumped, banged, scratched, on almost every patrol. Just that the fall two days ago was the worst thus far. Nevermind, I still thank God for my safety. I'll try to take care, but sometimes, I never expect such things to happen even when I take precautions.
I can still walk and I'm not paralysed, so thank God. And I also thank God for my wonderful cellgroup, who have prayed for my healing. Many of them were rather surprised to see me meet up with them yesterday. I would rather not miss an opportunity to meet up with God due to some small injury. If I can walk, I can go.
Things haven't been going really well for me lately. Things are as bad as ever at home, with my brother causing additional misery and stress to mum. Work-related injuries, work and of all things. Church. Depression seems to be creeping up slowly on me. Nevertheless, I try not to let my sadness show and put effort into maintaining a cheerful demeanour at work.
Church today was lousy. Ministry really got in the way of my focus on the service. I was distracted more than half the time during the service. Could not focus on the praise, the worship, the sermon and even during prayer. This is probably my lousiest service this whole year. I feel that church was rather lukewarm today. Praise was no good, worship fared only slightly better. During the sermon I could not even focus and towards the end, more ministry work got in the way. I left the service really unhappy.
Even though there are two services in church. I can only serve and attend one. For the other service, I'm outside the sanctuary. No repeats for me, unlike the other ministry staff. Perhaps, that is just the disadvantage with starting at the lowest bottom rug of ministry work. Almost everyone is above me in length of service, so being the newbie, I get all the most disliked duties. I take it in good faith, no problem with that, but at least, not at the expense of quality time with God. Serving God is always good, but certainly not at the expense of growing in Christ.
Even my duties at ministry today were just no good. I was not performing the way I should be performing. I am not happy with myself with regards to serving God well. I need to learn to perform my duties better and excel in ministry. Its not for my ego, it is just so that I might be a better servant to God in ministry. Well, nevermind. My leaders in ministry are rather forgiving of my many mistakes. They don't scold or rebuke me. They simply teach and I prefer this mode of correction.
The other thing that made me rather depressed today was that I met up with a previous cellgroup member of mine. She is this really nice girl. Came to church a few months after me. I remember her kindness towards me: When I was broke, she bought me my first bible study workbook. I will never forget her kindness. Today, I met up with her again and I realise that I am so far behind in my bible study as compared to her. I am ashamed. She comes to church later than me and is now 3 courses ahead of me in Bible study. Not to compare, but I really feel that I am lagging in this area.
I have to admit that I have been feeling rather dry lately. I don't seem to have that passion for God anymore, I don't seem to love Him as much as I used to and I don't seem to enjoy Him as much as I had. I feel that I am backsliding. Sigh. Feeling far from God during these trying times is the last thing I would like on my mind. I know should be relying on my faith much more than feelings. But it just "feels" like that intimacy with the Lord is gone. Another point of contention.
I need to love God more, I need to love His Word more. I need to be a better Christian. God is so faithful towards me, but it always seems to be me being so faithless as well as unfaithful towards Him. I've let God down countless times in my life and for that I wish it were not so. But I can't do anything about the past. I can only focus on the future, to be what God wants me to be. To fulfill His will for my life.
Well, I have sentry duty at the base tomorrow. I would not say that my national service sucks. I think the more appropriate quote I ought to use would be, "The base is rotten". Besides, the stress of university applications are really getting to me. Nevermind, I will still trudge on in Christ. I have chosen Him. Go is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
I love God. As much as that sounds rather hypocritical right now. I know that if I keep going on. One day, I'll be a great testimony for Jesus.
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