Listening to Lighthouse Family - High (Acoustic)
I have an extreme deluge of thoughts today. Its just ONE of those days where I do a tremendous amount of honest self reflection, thoughts and observances. I have all the time in the world today. So I'm going to patiently blog every single one of them down here. It'll be quite erratic I think as I'm writing in "real time" as my thoughts unfold to me.
commentary/analysis?
Firstly, I somehow really enjoy receiving and reading comments on my blog. I don't understand why, perhaps its an ego thing or it just helps placate my negative self-esteem. But yeah, I really really enjoy reading other people's comments and commentary to what nonsense I write. I enjoy seeing alternate view, the sharing of knowledge and wisdom and trying to see whether if I can justify my continued perspectives in my current mood of appreciation.
Well, I always did just write this blog as honestly as possible and it was dedicated to my wonderful mei. Mei has indeed been so incredibly supportive. I can almost count that most of the comments left on my blog are imprints by her part. Can't believe that there is anyone so incredibly patient and willing to go read through all the rubbish I write sometimes. This applies especially to the area of girls and behavior and erratic thinking. Its quite weird that in the same day I can have too extreme swings from being crazy to totally dead serious. Something like a fun time in the morning and a church meeting in the evening of sorts.
Well mei, thanks for always leaving a comment or two in my little comments tag. It really encourages me to continue writing regulary on a daily basis - even if you can't read on a daily basis. You don't know how much a couple of words in my comments box means to me. Can't believe that you are so appreciative and supportive of what I write sometimes. I write this as honestly as I can in a diary, an open diary which is open to everyone to read honestly about and give their say. And thank you so very very much for always leaving kinds words of encouragement for me! God bless you mei. I have to thank God continually that I know someone like you in my life.
friendship
One thing I realised today is that I really don't value my friends very much. In fact, I take almost all of them for granted. The exceptions being people like Merf and Charles and basically people who are in the "Christian side" of my life. People like Auntry Ros are very much one in ten thousand kind of thing. So for that, I have to really thank God and value and TREASURE whatever relationship I have with these people.
Then there are my closer friends whom I always take for granted. ALWAYS. My friendships with people like T-Squared, L-Squared, Jaimes, Prof. Wang and brother will always be taken for granted. I won't even bother to "upkeep" the friendship of sorts and just leave things as it is and take it for granted that they'll be my friends all the time.
Sometimes I really wonder how come girls just treasure their other friends so much, as in other girl-friends. It's like they really share their hearts together. Live through thick and thin joy and pain together. Its like how they'd plan their future to intertwine as much as possible to stick together. Vast majority of the guys I know don't mind having to part with good friends in an instant and to be good friends with another group of people. Think of it akin to having your army buddy switched around all the time. No matter who that person is, you die die have to support each other. Then if there's a change of buddy, there is no time or space for sentimental emotions but to just pick it up where "other people left it off" in your new buddy.
Some friends whom I've known for so long, I've taken so much for granted. Especially one of my dear friends. Bell. She's been so incredibly nice to me in like the last 5 years of my life. But all the time, I've continually taken her for granted. Now that we've drifted far apart enough. I don't feel anything of her going overseas to study and to most likely migrate there. With the girls in school I notice they'd get very emotional, sentimental and cry things out at the airport and continually keep in touch with each other via long distance phone calls, letters, emails of sorts. Haven't really seen that with guys in my life in ACS. Its like if a good friend goes overseas. That's it, just go find another group of friends.
For Bell, she's been DAMN nice to me. Not only has she tolerated ALL my nonsense. And I mean ALL my nonsense. She's also visited me in hospital in the midst of her exams and done so many other things. I've only ignored her or "pushed her friendship aside" most of the time. Not taking heed that what I do would hurt her. Relationships with girls are really fragile things. You really can't take them for granted. For this, it is one big regret in my life. Even I feel God convicts me of the way I take for granted my friendship with her.
This has been the same with many girls I've met before. Out of my entire orientation group in PJC. I've only kept in contact with 2. One is my friend's girlfriend. The other is someone I haven't smsed in like 4 months. And I expect things to "carry on as per normal". I'm really pushing things too far. I'm also taking her friendship for granted.
I am so lazy when it comes to mantaining friendships, prefering to do other "soloistic activities" - swimming, cycling, computer, reading. And then I complain and feel unhappy at times about my lack of friends. I'm not bitter to that fact, but I feel that I could have done a better job of keeping friends. More or less, I've brought this down upon me. Even in church, I only know a small handful of people very well. You could basically take a cellgroup, minus away all the girls. Then divide the remaining people by 10 and roughly get the number of friends I have in a cellgroup/church. Its so true. If you don't sow friendship, you won't reap friendship. For this, I regret deep within my heart. I've screwed up and messed up big time in this area.
The fact is that I'm not very sociable. The truth is. I hardly talk to people outside the few that I already know and I'm really bad at remembering names and starting conversations with new people. So in the end, although I knew lots of people in ACJC thanks to primary and secondary school connections. I only have a tiny handful as good friends. And even with this tiny handful. I don't even bother to upkeep my friendship with them. With T Squared and L Squared as well as Jaimes, no prob. but with Prof. I feel too that he is drifting away as a friend no thanks to NS.
Well, I'm not deperate to know people or to meet people. I don't need to resort to all those 1900 numbered chatline to hook up with girls. I don't feel any urge or need to have so many friends or just to know "pretty and popular girls and guys". I don't mind living alone. But at least have one or two friends for which I can always rely on in times of trouble. Now put me overseas should I go to the States to study and then I'm really all alone.
I'll have to learn how to sow friendship in life. Lonliness isn't really the problem. Its more of the lack of emotional support when you really absolutely badly terribly need it. I'm not pushing God aside. But sometimes, it is important to have a few good friends who can also give you alternative viewpoints on life and situations that one goes through.
faith
Yesterday, I wa so full of faith and hope when I felt that I might be granted permssion to leave the base 3 hours before the end of my shift today. But alas, things were really really not meant to be. Though it was the will of God for me to do sentry duty today - meaning that I could have a chance to leave 3 hours earlier, if not, I can still go back earlier than any of the other guys on patrol.
Things were really in my favor today as I was slated to complete all my duties by 6p.m, after which I could rest all the way till the end of my shift. Perhaps i could ask my station sergeant or something allow me to go off early. I did my duty all the way till 5 plus, believing that the Lord wanted me to leave the base early.
I was really on about the whole thing. I packed my bible to work as well as wore a half uniform to base. If I was allowed to go, I could just go to church straight in half uniform. Saves the hassle of carrying clothes that almost usually end up superbly crumbled in my bag. I did my duty for the whole day looking forward to the fact that I might be able to go to church later on.
Then it hit me. I can't. Simply for the fact that the armoury and equipment room isn't open for me to return my revolver, nightstick as well as walkie talkie! And I have to return these items personally. It does not make sense to allow somene else to return your gun for you on your behalf right? So with that, i was very sad.
"Hope deferred maketh the heart sick..." - Pro 13:12.
I was very very sad in my heart. I have to miss probably one of the greatest church services my church would ever see. In my heart, it felt like I was losing out on something extremely valuable that i was entitled to have. So basically, I felt quite miserable after the truth dawned on me. Its ironic that people skip church like anything and for me, when I can't go to church, I get really upset and unhappy with everything.
It really really sucks to know that your life is being wasted away doing meaningless things for this country when there is a life changing, purpose-instilling message that can be had, only that the opportunity has to be denied you.
I don't know. But in future, I feel really tempted to 'throw an MC" for such things. If I can't get off the legal way. Then I might as well have to get off my other means. Buy an MC? Perhaps. But I don't think God will be happy. I'm like LYING to my EMPLOYER about my health, so that I can scoot off to attend church? Its so very much an oxymoronric a phrase. Not to mention that my own personal integrity would be affected.
Sometimes I feel, you have to be greedy for the things of God. Like when I sneaked down the staircase during the Youth Conference earlier this year at church. All the ushers said I couldn't go down and that there was no space. But deep in my heart I know that I didn't travel one hell of an hour to come down to church only to get a second class seat in some other part of the church. If it was like this, I might as well just watch the service on the internet at home!
At the Youth Conference. Not only did I make it down despite so many odds. I managed to get a seat as well in a place where literally hundreds of young people were sitting on the stairs, the steps and the floor of church! I am really hungry/greedy for God. Its like the more you know God, the more you just want of Him. Starving people have been known to kill to satiate their hunger in times of extreme desire.
Likewise, I feel that sometimes, I just have to be aggressive, or what I would say, "disciplined aggression". So that I can get my seat in church so that I can fend off all these cell group leaders who happily just book seats like nothing at all, leaving people who queue for 2 whole hours out in the void. And I can get rid of all the irritating ushers in church who constantly try to shift me around from a GOOD seating place to some other corner where you can't see anything for NUTS. Then there's all the queue jumping in church, the squeezing and the kiasuness of it all. I guess I really don't have a choice. If I'm too kind, everyone in church is just going to step over me for their sakes. I really have to defend my interests at times.
Sometimes I feel like just whipping out my warrant card and asking all of them to just f*ck off. Seriously. Of course, that's just a thought. And its an abuse of police powers, in addition, it shows how weak my character is. The fact is that although I have not done it yet. The crux is that the thought is in my mind. No good. If I can come up with such thoughts still then it means that I'm still quite shallow a Christian. But given that sometimes these people resort to unfair means to get their way, I feel compelled to counter them as well at times. And to think that this ALWAYS happens in CHURCH. I feel its a big time disgrace honestly. Christians fighting each other for seats in the presence of God! Nonsense man!
sentry duty
Duty was really like shit. Time passes by you so incredibly slowly you wonder if there's something wrong with the batteries of the clock. Insted of being hot like an oven today as it usually is. It was raining extremely heavily at the base today, as well as the temperature being rather cold.
But as usual, there were just so many visitors. I don't understand how they can managed security in a base where the security breach is no thanks to a couple of material science research laboratories situated on the inside of the base. You get tonnes and tonnes of foreign construction workers going in for goodness knows what nonsense when there is NO construction taking place of any sort taking place inside the base.
Ok, so the only consolation is that I get to see the pretty clerk who works for the research lab inside the base. But that's just such a passe thing now I feel. God, not girls. It was SO COLD today. Not really thanks to the rain, it was more due to the wind. Since we're near water, you can only expect the "sea breeze" to be stronger during a heavy downpour. It was made worst by the fact that I had to manually go out of the shelter to ask each and every driver heading to the stupid labs what where they where going. Its a stupidly obvious question. But have to do it for "security's sake".
Then I notice something. Its like, its so very quiet for perhaps 5 minutes. Then before you know it, 10 lorries want to come in one way and 5 police cars want to come out the other way. And this is out of a one lane gate that leads to a narrow two directional road. The base is in such a terribly BAD LOCATION that once this happens, you have a traffic jam forming up on Stadium Boulevard which is bad. Worst, you always have some of the numerous number of ultra impatient senior officers who can't wait to get out of the base. As though waiting a few seconds more will cause them to die.
The thing is that these disgruntled idiots love to send emails complaining and griping on how "useless or lousy" the sentries are. That's their problem. They ought to stand in our place and try to do our job. But what to do? Just because their rank is big so we always get screwed for no reason by them. I mean, I can sign on with a degree and get an equivalent rank to screw them back. But really. Sometimes should just make some noise to Geoffrey's father. Ask him to go fry all the irritating senior officers in the base. I mean, they can't fight with a person whose rank is like 8 rugs higher than them right? Its good to have connections sometimes.
Then we have to manually record down every single person's details and car vehicle number and reason for visit and exchange a security pass for their i/c. It nonsense. You get truckloads of foreign workers suddenly showing up each having names that are like 200 characters long. We're told we can take our time since we control everything, but really, the truth is so far from the theory on paper. How to copy names like "naareshewaran vishevanathen krishnamurthysingarlarham" like 6 or 7 times per vehicle? Knowing that there are like another 10 waiting impatiently behind? Nonsense right?
Then we have to help open this back gate on the base. Especially today. Don't know why everyone chooses to go out via the back gate on a rainy day. As the gate as to be kept locked continuously at all times. Everytime there's a vehicle who wants to enter, someone has to go maually open that stupid gate with hinges that can't move a locking mechanism that doesn't fit properly. And this in in the RAIN! HEAVY RAIN! I did it so many times today that my uniform was just soaked through and through with water. Plus the wind and I shiver like a leaf. Even my beret was SOAKED THROUGH! Nonsense man! We could wear the police raincoat. But that thing deserves the "worst design" award really. Its designed SO BADLY that when you wear it, you'll soon be having your entire shoes soaked nicely with lots and lots of water. And I mean FLOODING. Its all every drop that lands on the rain coat will somehow flow directly via some means into your shoes. And that sucks. Nobody likes to walk around in wet shoes with wet socks.
Then we have to arrange car parks in the bse. There is so little car park space. And yet SO many meetings, SO many activities, SO many extras coming in. We only have like 6 lots to give out and people must call us like a couple of weeks in advance just to book the lots! So we have to handle nuts who want to book a car park lots for the whole day even though they're going to just spend a couple of minutes in the base to do some stupid nonsense. Singaporeans are REALLY CHEAPSKATE. The national stadium in just 100m away, 3 bucks for whole day parking, PLENTY of space and everyone just INSISTS on squeezing into our 6 free lots all to save a couple of dollars! Its a very glaringly bad example of how money minded our society really is.
There is so much vehicular traffic in the base. Now get this. We have to check EVERY SINGLE VEHICLE for security reasons. Its rubbish. You want a couple of guys to take down details, issue security passes, handle constant phone bookings, argue and chase off idiots who want to park for free, managed human traffi around the base, spot check every vehicle, open the back gate at the most busy times, salute a million people who want to screw you, try to please impatient senior officers, run around the base checking security and all of this to be done withing a couple of seconds? It is just a stupid equation that comes with a minor problem of massive inconsistency. And we get paid less and get treated like dirt for it! Who wants to do? Who wants to be treated like a dog "for the freedom of the country?" Like this I'd rather quit. Thanks but no thanks. don't waste 3 years of the prime time of my life telling me its for the sake of patriotism. Tell that to any army guy and he'd tell you its just bullshit.
Truth is, No one likes to do NS. Everyone hates it. Every army guy I know in ACJC HATE the army and the very idea of doing NS like anything. Even officer cadets! Even lieutenants! I think like this is it better to just be selfish and quit. If you're really "serving the nation with pride and honor", then there must be at least an element of respect in it. What do you get? Treated like a dog? Kicked around like dirt? Denied happiness? Endure constant verbal abuse and punishments for silly things? Trying to change into all sorts of attire in unrealistic time limits and get screwed for not doing so? Get treated by doctors with a penchant for POKING YOU (READ: 3 DRIPS for a guy suffering from FLU? - EVEN dengue fever no such nonsense!). Come on. Be realistic. Anyone who tells you they love NS must be MAD. Perhaps its selfishness, but I would say its just being a modern day slave. Not a modern day worker. Yeah, and did you hear how incredibly difficult it is to take leave even though you're "entitled to 14 days leave a year"? No wonder so many people "throw MC" to get some REAL days off.
dog
Ok, on a lighter note today, some dog ran into the base. The malay/muslim people were just so scared. Ended up I have to run in the rain to chase a stupid dog that runs faster than me! You are taking a guy who can't run 2.4 in 1/2 an hour to chase a dog that can do so in 8 minutes? Nonsense man! After an "exciting high speed chase", I managed to chase the doggy away. And a couple of army guys were around to help us get rid of it. Army people really muscle pain no brain man! Whole day just train and train and train only! Thank God in Coast Guard they let me exercise my mind a little bit more!
fasting
This is another thing that made me very sad today. I was asked to fast yesterday at church since this weekend my cellgroup is going out to bring friends to church in the hopes that they might be saved. Assuming I started from 12a.m on Thursday. I lasted up till about 6p.m If assuming the "timing" started at 6 this morning when I woke. Then I fasted for like 12 hours.
It was quite good. At first when I started the morning, first thing was. "God I'm so hungry I don't feel like fasting". For those people who know me, they know I really eat ALOT! As in 2 dishes for recess and 3 for lunch at the school canteen? I spent a lion share of my money on food. Which is why I'm always so broke. I literally eat up most of my hard earned money.
Surprisingly, as the day wore on. I didn't feel hungry AT ALL! Breakfast passed at it was ok. Then came lunch, for which my lunch was given away. But als dinner! One of the sentry guys started to eat dinner in the sentry hut and then I couldn't take it anymore! Then there's some of them tempting me with M&Ms as well as deep friend curry puffs! But it was the crappy dinner that made me "break my fast prematurely". For that, I am very dissapointed in myself as well as my character. I believe we were only asked to go for a partial fast kind of thing, like fast from breakfast and lunch but not dinner.
But I made a pledge to God yesterday that I would not eat for 24 hours. At the time I write this, it should be roughly around now for which I can start eating again. But no. I didn't keep my promise. I broke my plege and I feel quite so very guilty about it. God was impressing on me that I should not be drawn away so easily like this. Because its just food. I love food, I love to eat. So perhaps that's why it was rather hard for me. Now I understand how those people on a diet feel. The feeling really sucks man. I did let down my King. I broke a pledge I made to Him and I didn't honour Him the way I professed to do so.
I know God isn't angry with me. More like He is unhappy that He is unable to see me fully go through with the entire process. I've told God that I'll "make it up to Him" this monday where I will attempt to fast for 24 hours again". And this time, I'll do it twice for my failed attempt today. Part of the reason could be attributed to the fact that I couldn't go to church today. That really lowered my spirit significantly. Heart pain man. I let God down and I too am dissapointed with today's outcome as well as having my hope coming to nothing.
I really gorged myself when I broke my fast early. It was like to make up for the "lost food" for both lunch and breakfast. No good as well. I have to learn to be more disciplined in Christ. If my brother Gustin can do it from 12a.m till about 10p.m. why can't I as well?
The only consolation was that this is the longest time I've every fasted before actually prematurely breaking my fast. I remember in AC. Usually we abstained from one meal in prayer and stuff. Sometimes, we were asked to fast for the whole day. But since its ACJC and ALL my classmates just love to tempt me and I'm always so hungry. Most of the times, these full day fasts were not very sucessful. I still remember 'accidentally breaking my fast" once when I took a nibble of my friend's curry puff. then there was this other time free food was being given out and I just happily ate it up not remembering that I was fasting! So yeah. Previously it was like 6 yo 8 hours before I "quit fasting". The worst was just 4 hours. So I'd consider today's 18 hours a good improvement. But still not good enough.
Have to learn to fast for like 72 hours. Seriously.
Ok. I've let off a whole load off my chest. Still just wann mention that for those two persons who won prizes in that poetry thing. i really enjoyed the poetry. Its extremely flowing, fluid and beautiful I like them very much. i feel that they deserve the prizes. This must be my longest blog post ever.
I have an extreme deluge of thoughts today. Its just ONE of those days where I do a tremendous amount of honest self reflection, thoughts and observances. I have all the time in the world today. So I'm going to patiently blog every single one of them down here. It'll be quite erratic I think as I'm writing in "real time" as my thoughts unfold to me.
commentary/analysis?
Firstly, I somehow really enjoy receiving and reading comments on my blog. I don't understand why, perhaps its an ego thing or it just helps placate my negative self-esteem. But yeah, I really really enjoy reading other people's comments and commentary to what nonsense I write. I enjoy seeing alternate view, the sharing of knowledge and wisdom and trying to see whether if I can justify my continued perspectives in my current mood of appreciation.
Well, I always did just write this blog as honestly as possible and it was dedicated to my wonderful mei. Mei has indeed been so incredibly supportive. I can almost count that most of the comments left on my blog are imprints by her part. Can't believe that there is anyone so incredibly patient and willing to go read through all the rubbish I write sometimes. This applies especially to the area of girls and behavior and erratic thinking. Its quite weird that in the same day I can have too extreme swings from being crazy to totally dead serious. Something like a fun time in the morning and a church meeting in the evening of sorts.
Well mei, thanks for always leaving a comment or two in my little comments tag. It really encourages me to continue writing regulary on a daily basis - even if you can't read on a daily basis. You don't know how much a couple of words in my comments box means to me. Can't believe that you are so appreciative and supportive of what I write sometimes. I write this as honestly as I can in a diary, an open diary which is open to everyone to read honestly about and give their say. And thank you so very very much for always leaving kinds words of encouragement for me! God bless you mei. I have to thank God continually that I know someone like you in my life.
friendship
One thing I realised today is that I really don't value my friends very much. In fact, I take almost all of them for granted. The exceptions being people like Merf and Charles and basically people who are in the "Christian side" of my life. People like Auntry Ros are very much one in ten thousand kind of thing. So for that, I have to really thank God and value and TREASURE whatever relationship I have with these people.
Then there are my closer friends whom I always take for granted. ALWAYS. My friendships with people like T-Squared, L-Squared, Jaimes, Prof. Wang and brother will always be taken for granted. I won't even bother to "upkeep" the friendship of sorts and just leave things as it is and take it for granted that they'll be my friends all the time.
Sometimes I really wonder how come girls just treasure their other friends so much, as in other girl-friends. It's like they really share their hearts together. Live through thick and thin joy and pain together. Its like how they'd plan their future to intertwine as much as possible to stick together. Vast majority of the guys I know don't mind having to part with good friends in an instant and to be good friends with another group of people. Think of it akin to having your army buddy switched around all the time. No matter who that person is, you die die have to support each other. Then if there's a change of buddy, there is no time or space for sentimental emotions but to just pick it up where "other people left it off" in your new buddy.
Some friends whom I've known for so long, I've taken so much for granted. Especially one of my dear friends. Bell. She's been so incredibly nice to me in like the last 5 years of my life. But all the time, I've continually taken her for granted. Now that we've drifted far apart enough. I don't feel anything of her going overseas to study and to most likely migrate there. With the girls in school I notice they'd get very emotional, sentimental and cry things out at the airport and continually keep in touch with each other via long distance phone calls, letters, emails of sorts. Haven't really seen that with guys in my life in ACS. Its like if a good friend goes overseas. That's it, just go find another group of friends.
For Bell, she's been DAMN nice to me. Not only has she tolerated ALL my nonsense. And I mean ALL my nonsense. She's also visited me in hospital in the midst of her exams and done so many other things. I've only ignored her or "pushed her friendship aside" most of the time. Not taking heed that what I do would hurt her. Relationships with girls are really fragile things. You really can't take them for granted. For this, it is one big regret in my life. Even I feel God convicts me of the way I take for granted my friendship with her.
This has been the same with many girls I've met before. Out of my entire orientation group in PJC. I've only kept in contact with 2. One is my friend's girlfriend. The other is someone I haven't smsed in like 4 months. And I expect things to "carry on as per normal". I'm really pushing things too far. I'm also taking her friendship for granted.
I am so lazy when it comes to mantaining friendships, prefering to do other "soloistic activities" - swimming, cycling, computer, reading. And then I complain and feel unhappy at times about my lack of friends. I'm not bitter to that fact, but I feel that I could have done a better job of keeping friends. More or less, I've brought this down upon me. Even in church, I only know a small handful of people very well. You could basically take a cellgroup, minus away all the girls. Then divide the remaining people by 10 and roughly get the number of friends I have in a cellgroup/church. Its so true. If you don't sow friendship, you won't reap friendship. For this, I regret deep within my heart. I've screwed up and messed up big time in this area.
The fact is that I'm not very sociable. The truth is. I hardly talk to people outside the few that I already know and I'm really bad at remembering names and starting conversations with new people. So in the end, although I knew lots of people in ACJC thanks to primary and secondary school connections. I only have a tiny handful as good friends. And even with this tiny handful. I don't even bother to upkeep my friendship with them. With T Squared and L Squared as well as Jaimes, no prob. but with Prof. I feel too that he is drifting away as a friend no thanks to NS.
Well, I'm not deperate to know people or to meet people. I don't need to resort to all those 1900 numbered chatline to hook up with girls. I don't feel any urge or need to have so many friends or just to know "pretty and popular girls and guys". I don't mind living alone. But at least have one or two friends for which I can always rely on in times of trouble. Now put me overseas should I go to the States to study and then I'm really all alone.
I'll have to learn how to sow friendship in life. Lonliness isn't really the problem. Its more of the lack of emotional support when you really absolutely badly terribly need it. I'm not pushing God aside. But sometimes, it is important to have a few good friends who can also give you alternative viewpoints on life and situations that one goes through.
faith
Yesterday, I wa so full of faith and hope when I felt that I might be granted permssion to leave the base 3 hours before the end of my shift today. But alas, things were really really not meant to be. Though it was the will of God for me to do sentry duty today - meaning that I could have a chance to leave 3 hours earlier, if not, I can still go back earlier than any of the other guys on patrol.
Things were really in my favor today as I was slated to complete all my duties by 6p.m, after which I could rest all the way till the end of my shift. Perhaps i could ask my station sergeant or something allow me to go off early. I did my duty all the way till 5 plus, believing that the Lord wanted me to leave the base early.
I was really on about the whole thing. I packed my bible to work as well as wore a half uniform to base. If I was allowed to go, I could just go to church straight in half uniform. Saves the hassle of carrying clothes that almost usually end up superbly crumbled in my bag. I did my duty for the whole day looking forward to the fact that I might be able to go to church later on.
Then it hit me. I can't. Simply for the fact that the armoury and equipment room isn't open for me to return my revolver, nightstick as well as walkie talkie! And I have to return these items personally. It does not make sense to allow somene else to return your gun for you on your behalf right? So with that, i was very sad.
"Hope deferred maketh the heart sick..." - Pro 13:12.
I was very very sad in my heart. I have to miss probably one of the greatest church services my church would ever see. In my heart, it felt like I was losing out on something extremely valuable that i was entitled to have. So basically, I felt quite miserable after the truth dawned on me. Its ironic that people skip church like anything and for me, when I can't go to church, I get really upset and unhappy with everything.
It really really sucks to know that your life is being wasted away doing meaningless things for this country when there is a life changing, purpose-instilling message that can be had, only that the opportunity has to be denied you.
I don't know. But in future, I feel really tempted to 'throw an MC" for such things. If I can't get off the legal way. Then I might as well have to get off my other means. Buy an MC? Perhaps. But I don't think God will be happy. I'm like LYING to my EMPLOYER about my health, so that I can scoot off to attend church? Its so very much an oxymoronric a phrase. Not to mention that my own personal integrity would be affected.
Sometimes I feel, you have to be greedy for the things of God. Like when I sneaked down the staircase during the Youth Conference earlier this year at church. All the ushers said I couldn't go down and that there was no space. But deep in my heart I know that I didn't travel one hell of an hour to come down to church only to get a second class seat in some other part of the church. If it was like this, I might as well just watch the service on the internet at home!
At the Youth Conference. Not only did I make it down despite so many odds. I managed to get a seat as well in a place where literally hundreds of young people were sitting on the stairs, the steps and the floor of church! I am really hungry/greedy for God. Its like the more you know God, the more you just want of Him. Starving people have been known to kill to satiate their hunger in times of extreme desire.
Likewise, I feel that sometimes, I just have to be aggressive, or what I would say, "disciplined aggression". So that I can get my seat in church so that I can fend off all these cell group leaders who happily just book seats like nothing at all, leaving people who queue for 2 whole hours out in the void. And I can get rid of all the irritating ushers in church who constantly try to shift me around from a GOOD seating place to some other corner where you can't see anything for NUTS. Then there's all the queue jumping in church, the squeezing and the kiasuness of it all. I guess I really don't have a choice. If I'm too kind, everyone in church is just going to step over me for their sakes. I really have to defend my interests at times.
Sometimes I feel like just whipping out my warrant card and asking all of them to just f*ck off. Seriously. Of course, that's just a thought. And its an abuse of police powers, in addition, it shows how weak my character is. The fact is that although I have not done it yet. The crux is that the thought is in my mind. No good. If I can come up with such thoughts still then it means that I'm still quite shallow a Christian. But given that sometimes these people resort to unfair means to get their way, I feel compelled to counter them as well at times. And to think that this ALWAYS happens in CHURCH. I feel its a big time disgrace honestly. Christians fighting each other for seats in the presence of God! Nonsense man!
sentry duty
Duty was really like shit. Time passes by you so incredibly slowly you wonder if there's something wrong with the batteries of the clock. Insted of being hot like an oven today as it usually is. It was raining extremely heavily at the base today, as well as the temperature being rather cold.
But as usual, there were just so many visitors. I don't understand how they can managed security in a base where the security breach is no thanks to a couple of material science research laboratories situated on the inside of the base. You get tonnes and tonnes of foreign construction workers going in for goodness knows what nonsense when there is NO construction taking place of any sort taking place inside the base.
Ok, so the only consolation is that I get to see the pretty clerk who works for the research lab inside the base. But that's just such a passe thing now I feel. God, not girls. It was SO COLD today. Not really thanks to the rain, it was more due to the wind. Since we're near water, you can only expect the "sea breeze" to be stronger during a heavy downpour. It was made worst by the fact that I had to manually go out of the shelter to ask each and every driver heading to the stupid labs what where they where going. Its a stupidly obvious question. But have to do it for "security's sake".
Then I notice something. Its like, its so very quiet for perhaps 5 minutes. Then before you know it, 10 lorries want to come in one way and 5 police cars want to come out the other way. And this is out of a one lane gate that leads to a narrow two directional road. The base is in such a terribly BAD LOCATION that once this happens, you have a traffic jam forming up on Stadium Boulevard which is bad. Worst, you always have some of the numerous number of ultra impatient senior officers who can't wait to get out of the base. As though waiting a few seconds more will cause them to die.
The thing is that these disgruntled idiots love to send emails complaining and griping on how "useless or lousy" the sentries are. That's their problem. They ought to stand in our place and try to do our job. But what to do? Just because their rank is big so we always get screwed for no reason by them. I mean, I can sign on with a degree and get an equivalent rank to screw them back. But really. Sometimes should just make some noise to Geoffrey's father. Ask him to go fry all the irritating senior officers in the base. I mean, they can't fight with a person whose rank is like 8 rugs higher than them right? Its good to have connections sometimes.
Then we have to manually record down every single person's details and car vehicle number and reason for visit and exchange a security pass for their i/c. It nonsense. You get truckloads of foreign workers suddenly showing up each having names that are like 200 characters long. We're told we can take our time since we control everything, but really, the truth is so far from the theory on paper. How to copy names like "naareshewaran vishevanathen krishnamurthysingarlarham" like 6 or 7 times per vehicle? Knowing that there are like another 10 waiting impatiently behind? Nonsense right?
Then we have to help open this back gate on the base. Especially today. Don't know why everyone chooses to go out via the back gate on a rainy day. As the gate as to be kept locked continuously at all times. Everytime there's a vehicle who wants to enter, someone has to go maually open that stupid gate with hinges that can't move a locking mechanism that doesn't fit properly. And this in in the RAIN! HEAVY RAIN! I did it so many times today that my uniform was just soaked through and through with water. Plus the wind and I shiver like a leaf. Even my beret was SOAKED THROUGH! Nonsense man! We could wear the police raincoat. But that thing deserves the "worst design" award really. Its designed SO BADLY that when you wear it, you'll soon be having your entire shoes soaked nicely with lots and lots of water. And I mean FLOODING. Its all every drop that lands on the rain coat will somehow flow directly via some means into your shoes. And that sucks. Nobody likes to walk around in wet shoes with wet socks.
Then we have to arrange car parks in the bse. There is so little car park space. And yet SO many meetings, SO many activities, SO many extras coming in. We only have like 6 lots to give out and people must call us like a couple of weeks in advance just to book the lots! So we have to handle nuts who want to book a car park lots for the whole day even though they're going to just spend a couple of minutes in the base to do some stupid nonsense. Singaporeans are REALLY CHEAPSKATE. The national stadium in just 100m away, 3 bucks for whole day parking, PLENTY of space and everyone just INSISTS on squeezing into our 6 free lots all to save a couple of dollars! Its a very glaringly bad example of how money minded our society really is.
There is so much vehicular traffic in the base. Now get this. We have to check EVERY SINGLE VEHICLE for security reasons. Its rubbish. You want a couple of guys to take down details, issue security passes, handle constant phone bookings, argue and chase off idiots who want to park for free, managed human traffi around the base, spot check every vehicle, open the back gate at the most busy times, salute a million people who want to screw you, try to please impatient senior officers, run around the base checking security and all of this to be done withing a couple of seconds? It is just a stupid equation that comes with a minor problem of massive inconsistency. And we get paid less and get treated like dirt for it! Who wants to do? Who wants to be treated like a dog "for the freedom of the country?" Like this I'd rather quit. Thanks but no thanks. don't waste 3 years of the prime time of my life telling me its for the sake of patriotism. Tell that to any army guy and he'd tell you its just bullshit.
Truth is, No one likes to do NS. Everyone hates it. Every army guy I know in ACJC HATE the army and the very idea of doing NS like anything. Even officer cadets! Even lieutenants! I think like this is it better to just be selfish and quit. If you're really "serving the nation with pride and honor", then there must be at least an element of respect in it. What do you get? Treated like a dog? Kicked around like dirt? Denied happiness? Endure constant verbal abuse and punishments for silly things? Trying to change into all sorts of attire in unrealistic time limits and get screwed for not doing so? Get treated by doctors with a penchant for POKING YOU (READ: 3 DRIPS for a guy suffering from FLU? - EVEN dengue fever no such nonsense!). Come on. Be realistic. Anyone who tells you they love NS must be MAD. Perhaps its selfishness, but I would say its just being a modern day slave. Not a modern day worker. Yeah, and did you hear how incredibly difficult it is to take leave even though you're "entitled to 14 days leave a year"? No wonder so many people "throw MC" to get some REAL days off.
dog
Ok, on a lighter note today, some dog ran into the base. The malay/muslim people were just so scared. Ended up I have to run in the rain to chase a stupid dog that runs faster than me! You are taking a guy who can't run 2.4 in 1/2 an hour to chase a dog that can do so in 8 minutes? Nonsense man! After an "exciting high speed chase", I managed to chase the doggy away. And a couple of army guys were around to help us get rid of it. Army people really muscle pain no brain man! Whole day just train and train and train only! Thank God in Coast Guard they let me exercise my mind a little bit more!
fasting
This is another thing that made me very sad today. I was asked to fast yesterday at church since this weekend my cellgroup is going out to bring friends to church in the hopes that they might be saved. Assuming I started from 12a.m on Thursday. I lasted up till about 6p.m If assuming the "timing" started at 6 this morning when I woke. Then I fasted for like 12 hours.
It was quite good. At first when I started the morning, first thing was. "God I'm so hungry I don't feel like fasting". For those people who know me, they know I really eat ALOT! As in 2 dishes for recess and 3 for lunch at the school canteen? I spent a lion share of my money on food. Which is why I'm always so broke. I literally eat up most of my hard earned money.
Surprisingly, as the day wore on. I didn't feel hungry AT ALL! Breakfast passed at it was ok. Then came lunch, for which my lunch was given away. But als dinner! One of the sentry guys started to eat dinner in the sentry hut and then I couldn't take it anymore! Then there's some of them tempting me with M&Ms as well as deep friend curry puffs! But it was the crappy dinner that made me "break my fast prematurely". For that, I am very dissapointed in myself as well as my character. I believe we were only asked to go for a partial fast kind of thing, like fast from breakfast and lunch but not dinner.
But I made a pledge to God yesterday that I would not eat for 24 hours. At the time I write this, it should be roughly around now for which I can start eating again. But no. I didn't keep my promise. I broke my plege and I feel quite so very guilty about it. God was impressing on me that I should not be drawn away so easily like this. Because its just food. I love food, I love to eat. So perhaps that's why it was rather hard for me. Now I understand how those people on a diet feel. The feeling really sucks man. I did let down my King. I broke a pledge I made to Him and I didn't honour Him the way I professed to do so.
I know God isn't angry with me. More like He is unhappy that He is unable to see me fully go through with the entire process. I've told God that I'll "make it up to Him" this monday where I will attempt to fast for 24 hours again". And this time, I'll do it twice for my failed attempt today. Part of the reason could be attributed to the fact that I couldn't go to church today. That really lowered my spirit significantly. Heart pain man. I let God down and I too am dissapointed with today's outcome as well as having my hope coming to nothing.
I really gorged myself when I broke my fast early. It was like to make up for the "lost food" for both lunch and breakfast. No good as well. I have to learn to be more disciplined in Christ. If my brother Gustin can do it from 12a.m till about 10p.m. why can't I as well?
The only consolation was that this is the longest time I've every fasted before actually prematurely breaking my fast. I remember in AC. Usually we abstained from one meal in prayer and stuff. Sometimes, we were asked to fast for the whole day. But since its ACJC and ALL my classmates just love to tempt me and I'm always so hungry. Most of the times, these full day fasts were not very sucessful. I still remember 'accidentally breaking my fast" once when I took a nibble of my friend's curry puff. then there was this other time free food was being given out and I just happily ate it up not remembering that I was fasting! So yeah. Previously it was like 6 yo 8 hours before I "quit fasting". The worst was just 4 hours. So I'd consider today's 18 hours a good improvement. But still not good enough.
Have to learn to fast for like 72 hours. Seriously.
Ok. I've let off a whole load off my chest. Still just wann mention that for those two persons who won prizes in that poetry thing. i really enjoyed the poetry. Its extremely flowing, fluid and beautiful I like them very much. i feel that they deserve the prizes. This must be my longest blog post ever.
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