Listening to The Passion Worship Band - Heart of Worship
Dear friends,
Sadness is an inevitable, unescapable, unremovable part of life. It is just the degree and the duration and the depth to which it affects you. Life is not happy as many hollywood movies make it out to be, life is not as beautiful as we often imagine it to be, life isn't worth living in fact. Why live in a broken down world full of war, violence, hate, anger and just so filled with ugliness?
I've been living in a bubble of a world for too long. A world that has come crashing down upon me just 2 days ago. A bubble that has been burst at the moment that I least expect it to do so. My heart is in great pain. My life has suddenly been plunged into great uncertainty as well as confusion. Life will never be the same, no doubt.
I have so much to say, so much to express and so much for which to speak and tell of. I have never been this honest with myself in my whole entire life. As I look at my existence, it has been a joke thus far. I've done nothing at all, I've accomplished meaningless things. I have lived a life of self and not of significance. And deep down, I can't deny it anymore.
I had a long time of prayer, pouring out my heart to my King last night. I cried myself to sleep whilst in prayer. I fell asleep during prayer, didn't even give God a sudden "Amen". I act so strong and so cold in the day and then at night when I'm all alone, then my true vunerabilities come out and then I see myself and I deny that the person I see in the mirror is me. I spoke to God as honestly as I could, no nonsense, no fancy statements, no proud declarations. I wonder why is it that I often run away from God when things are good and then quickly try to beat a retreat back to His arms when the storm comes.
I've been too childish in this life. Silly gripes about NS and such seem so meaningless and so pointless all of a sudden. I have to change my attitude as well as my perspective of things. I have to change, to be more like Jesus. My Perfect King.
Ever feel like you've let God down in such a way that you can even forgive yourself for your own mistakes and sins? I do. I've let God down in too many areas of my life. And then I feel this horrible feeling of lonliness around me. It is almost like you need God so badly, but don't dare to crawl back into His arms. I've been a crappy Christian for the most part of my life. For this, I have deep guilt within me. I can't do anything by works to make wrong right, but I can only seek His forgiveness as well as cleansing for my heart.
I know that I'm not a good Christian. Its so obvious. But I really love God. But yet at the same time, I do not with to say that "I love you, God" but don't really mean it and acknoledge it within my heart. I don't want to be like Peter - Even the Apostle Peter denied Jesus three times. It is a very sobering thought indeed.
I've become very sad and melancholy and distressed over the last two days. Hours seem like months and days seem like years to me. Even sentry duty today passed me by quickly, but my heart was feeling every second like a minute worth of pain and sadness. I'm very sad that things have to turn out this way.
I've numbed myself to the pain. Its too great a pain to bear. And its too cruel to share it with others. Its like, when you're in so much pain, that your mind automatically just disconnects the sensation of pain, knowing that you can't ever take it. Likewise, my heart has lost all its sensation. Its so numb. I know the pain is there and is very real, but I chose to reject it, chose to act like its not there, chose to behave as per normal and chose to ignore the fact that my life is going to change drastically.
I've been in a terrible state of denial. Its what psychologists call displaced reality. My mind is focused on the past, when times and things were happier and much better. I chose to deny the present, chosing instead to image a better present which does not exist. I wonder why am I doing this. Perhaps some things are just best left not being remembered at all.
I've not given up on God. I've still chosen Him. He is my Portion Forever. I'll chose Him and chose Him no matter how bad things will go. I'll still chose Him one day if I backslide very far away and get convered by a multitude of sin so heavy that only God can lift it from me. I'll still chose Him. Life may have dealt me a cruel blow. But I only feel a slight tinge of bitterness and a sense of depression. I might go down. But I know that God won't let me sink under.
Aunty Ros gave me this illustration again today. Jesus called Peter out of the boat and ordered him to walk on the water. Then Peter began to sink when he saw the waves. Then Peter called out to Jesus to save him. Jesus stretched forth His hand and held onto Peter's hand. And they walked on the water back into the boat. And the storm subsided.
Thank God for such a spiritual mother. Truly, her wisdom is God-given wisdom. She told me that Jesus only called to Peter. Peter happens to be my favourite disciple, since I'm as screwed up as he was, even more for certain. Aunty Ros told me to learn, that Peter only started to fall, when he looked at the waves, which is, our problems in life. And Jesus caught hold of Peter's hand to prevent him from sinking under. Likewise, she told me to just call out to God, who will save me for sure. And then we'll walk hand in hand, back to the boat. And then the storm subsided.
Can you imagine how beautiful the Word of God really is? It truly comforts! Ronald Reagan once said that the answer to every complex question and problem that mankind will ever face can be found in that one book. It's so true. Whatever it is, I still chose to put my trust as well as my faith in God. I know that He will pull me through all of this. If it has to happen. Then its in His Will.
I'll need God to fix up and mend the broken pieces of my heart. My heart is cut deeply, so I'll have to let Him take care of the wounds as well. Only He can restore it such that there is no scar. Time will still leave scars when it heals all wounds, but only God heals completely. I cheered my sad and broken spirit up to God today through duty, by quietly singing a few praise and worship songs to Him. There's no one on the jetty, so it doesn't matter, although I wouldn't like others to hear what I'm singing.
In the past I would have blamed God for all my problems as well as everything bad that happens to me. Now I don't even care. Now I just chose to look to Him for guidance and counsel as well as comfort and strength. I've strengthened my resolve to love Him even more. When people are put through the fire, they either withdraw or get stronger. I'll chose the latter no matter how difficult it gets. Its painful I know, but its nothing compared to what Jesus suffered for me on the cross. Its nothing compared to His sacrifice for me. Amazing Grace. Amazing Love. Unimaginable Love!
I feel so much happier now that I've put things down here. I've let out a little bit of my heart. I've finally been absolutely honest with myself. I hope to serve God in full time ministry someday. Not now perhaps. After I complete my education. I'll serve God by helping people. Even if they're not Christians. It doesn't matter. Aunty Ros reaches out to drug addicts as well as prisoners and they are all non-christian. I take my cue from her.
Things will be painful for sure. Things will get very messy for sure. There will be alot of tears and sadness on the road up ahead. But as long as I have my King to walk every step of the way with me, I don't fear anything at all. And when i pick myself up after all this with God's help for sure, I'm going to excel in education. Then I'm going to serve God by serving people. Marriage? Nah. If God really wants me to get married. He'll have to shout to me really really loudly, "This is the correct one!". And I mean loudly. God decides, I follow. I just put all my trust in God now.
"For we walk by faith and not by sight" -2nd Cor 5:7
"For God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" -Ps 73:26
"...I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee" -Heb 13:5
"And the LORD, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed" -Deut 31:8
"For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world, even our faith." -1 Jn 5:4
"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose." -Rom 8:28.
Dear friends,
Sadness is an inevitable, unescapable, unremovable part of life. It is just the degree and the duration and the depth to which it affects you. Life is not happy as many hollywood movies make it out to be, life is not as beautiful as we often imagine it to be, life isn't worth living in fact. Why live in a broken down world full of war, violence, hate, anger and just so filled with ugliness?
I've been living in a bubble of a world for too long. A world that has come crashing down upon me just 2 days ago. A bubble that has been burst at the moment that I least expect it to do so. My heart is in great pain. My life has suddenly been plunged into great uncertainty as well as confusion. Life will never be the same, no doubt.
I have so much to say, so much to express and so much for which to speak and tell of. I have never been this honest with myself in my whole entire life. As I look at my existence, it has been a joke thus far. I've done nothing at all, I've accomplished meaningless things. I have lived a life of self and not of significance. And deep down, I can't deny it anymore.
I had a long time of prayer, pouring out my heart to my King last night. I cried myself to sleep whilst in prayer. I fell asleep during prayer, didn't even give God a sudden "Amen". I act so strong and so cold in the day and then at night when I'm all alone, then my true vunerabilities come out and then I see myself and I deny that the person I see in the mirror is me. I spoke to God as honestly as I could, no nonsense, no fancy statements, no proud declarations. I wonder why is it that I often run away from God when things are good and then quickly try to beat a retreat back to His arms when the storm comes.
I've been too childish in this life. Silly gripes about NS and such seem so meaningless and so pointless all of a sudden. I have to change my attitude as well as my perspective of things. I have to change, to be more like Jesus. My Perfect King.
Ever feel like you've let God down in such a way that you can even forgive yourself for your own mistakes and sins? I do. I've let God down in too many areas of my life. And then I feel this horrible feeling of lonliness around me. It is almost like you need God so badly, but don't dare to crawl back into His arms. I've been a crappy Christian for the most part of my life. For this, I have deep guilt within me. I can't do anything by works to make wrong right, but I can only seek His forgiveness as well as cleansing for my heart.
I know that I'm not a good Christian. Its so obvious. But I really love God. But yet at the same time, I do not with to say that "I love you, God" but don't really mean it and acknoledge it within my heart. I don't want to be like Peter - Even the Apostle Peter denied Jesus three times. It is a very sobering thought indeed.
I've become very sad and melancholy and distressed over the last two days. Hours seem like months and days seem like years to me. Even sentry duty today passed me by quickly, but my heart was feeling every second like a minute worth of pain and sadness. I'm very sad that things have to turn out this way.
I've numbed myself to the pain. Its too great a pain to bear. And its too cruel to share it with others. Its like, when you're in so much pain, that your mind automatically just disconnects the sensation of pain, knowing that you can't ever take it. Likewise, my heart has lost all its sensation. Its so numb. I know the pain is there and is very real, but I chose to reject it, chose to act like its not there, chose to behave as per normal and chose to ignore the fact that my life is going to change drastically.
I've been in a terrible state of denial. Its what psychologists call displaced reality. My mind is focused on the past, when times and things were happier and much better. I chose to deny the present, chosing instead to image a better present which does not exist. I wonder why am I doing this. Perhaps some things are just best left not being remembered at all.
I've not given up on God. I've still chosen Him. He is my Portion Forever. I'll chose Him and chose Him no matter how bad things will go. I'll still chose Him one day if I backslide very far away and get convered by a multitude of sin so heavy that only God can lift it from me. I'll still chose Him. Life may have dealt me a cruel blow. But I only feel a slight tinge of bitterness and a sense of depression. I might go down. But I know that God won't let me sink under.
Aunty Ros gave me this illustration again today. Jesus called Peter out of the boat and ordered him to walk on the water. Then Peter began to sink when he saw the waves. Then Peter called out to Jesus to save him. Jesus stretched forth His hand and held onto Peter's hand. And they walked on the water back into the boat. And the storm subsided.
Thank God for such a spiritual mother. Truly, her wisdom is God-given wisdom. She told me that Jesus only called to Peter. Peter happens to be my favourite disciple, since I'm as screwed up as he was, even more for certain. Aunty Ros told me to learn, that Peter only started to fall, when he looked at the waves, which is, our problems in life. And Jesus caught hold of Peter's hand to prevent him from sinking under. Likewise, she told me to just call out to God, who will save me for sure. And then we'll walk hand in hand, back to the boat. And then the storm subsided.
Can you imagine how beautiful the Word of God really is? It truly comforts! Ronald Reagan once said that the answer to every complex question and problem that mankind will ever face can be found in that one book. It's so true. Whatever it is, I still chose to put my trust as well as my faith in God. I know that He will pull me through all of this. If it has to happen. Then its in His Will.
I'll need God to fix up and mend the broken pieces of my heart. My heart is cut deeply, so I'll have to let Him take care of the wounds as well. Only He can restore it such that there is no scar. Time will still leave scars when it heals all wounds, but only God heals completely. I cheered my sad and broken spirit up to God today through duty, by quietly singing a few praise and worship songs to Him. There's no one on the jetty, so it doesn't matter, although I wouldn't like others to hear what I'm singing.
In the past I would have blamed God for all my problems as well as everything bad that happens to me. Now I don't even care. Now I just chose to look to Him for guidance and counsel as well as comfort and strength. I've strengthened my resolve to love Him even more. When people are put through the fire, they either withdraw or get stronger. I'll chose the latter no matter how difficult it gets. Its painful I know, but its nothing compared to what Jesus suffered for me on the cross. Its nothing compared to His sacrifice for me. Amazing Grace. Amazing Love. Unimaginable Love!
I feel so much happier now that I've put things down here. I've let out a little bit of my heart. I've finally been absolutely honest with myself. I hope to serve God in full time ministry someday. Not now perhaps. After I complete my education. I'll serve God by helping people. Even if they're not Christians. It doesn't matter. Aunty Ros reaches out to drug addicts as well as prisoners and they are all non-christian. I take my cue from her.
Things will be painful for sure. Things will get very messy for sure. There will be alot of tears and sadness on the road up ahead. But as long as I have my King to walk every step of the way with me, I don't fear anything at all. And when i pick myself up after all this with God's help for sure, I'm going to excel in education. Then I'm going to serve God by serving people. Marriage? Nah. If God really wants me to get married. He'll have to shout to me really really loudly, "This is the correct one!". And I mean loudly. God decides, I follow. I just put all my trust in God now.
"For we walk by faith and not by sight" -2nd Cor 5:7
"For God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" -Ps 73:26
"...I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee" -Heb 13:5
"And the LORD, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed" -Deut 31:8
"For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world, even our faith." -1 Jn 5:4
"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose." -Rom 8:28.
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