for sulynn...yes, it is you....for which I have to deal with my past...
Everything here is seen from my perspective. I've tried to be as accurate as possible in rendering the facts and the past from my perspectives. Of course I will most defnitely make mistakes in the facts here and there, certain things I mention cannot be elaborated upon and because it is my perspective, I might skew things in my favour. Let others who read what I write here digress to spot the level of my honest objectivity. This is probably the toughest post I will have to pen. It's been tough recollecting the past, and it is even sadder knowing that I wish certain things weren't the way they were. While I can't brush them off my shoulders, all I can do is to move on into the future. After all, nobody's perfect, we will all make mistakes. Just that we'll try to learn from our own individual lessons and never repeat the mistake(s) in the future. A true hero will always know his flaws and weakensses. Perhaps I'm washing dirty linen in public. But I somehow, I feel compelled to write this out. It has been a skeleton in my closet for too long a period of time.
According to T Squared's relational probability density prediction hypothesis, it was likely that it would really be you at 92% level of certainty with 6% variance. At a high, it would be 98% certainty that you are really that person whom I received information about from a not-so reliable source. Well, that source is more reliable than ever now.
But when you signed off as "xin" I knew it was you instantly.
Before I even begin. I only desire the answer to these questions:
How did you know that this is my blog?
How did you know that it is me?
How did you find your way here?
How did you know that I was referring to you?
Charles perhaps, had a part to play. But therein lies 2 to 3 deeper levels of understanding that must be understood and known.
Profiling
These are the rough profiles of the people I am going to mention:
Christopher Chaung. Chuangster, Chuangstar. Excellently good friend in secondary 2 and 3 at Barker. Your Brother.
Alex, Alex the Great, war freak, nazist hitler pacifist subcriber. Good friend since primary 4 till sec 4. Went to NJC thereafter, 3rd boy at the O level exams in 2000. Ironically, our E maths Teacher, Francis Foo said that Alex, Mark and I would never make it to JC. He really ate his words man.
Kay Heng: The guy who sits behind Chuangster in class during secondary 2. Later sent to combined science class in Sec 3.
Prelude
Chuangster sat next to me in class in Secondary 2. It happened as a result of my seat being switched from somewhere near the last row to the 3rd row, 2nd column. Chuangster sat at the 1st column 3rd row. Kay Heng was at the 1st Column 4th row and Alex was at 7th column 8th row.
We hit off right from the start as very good friends. If I can remember correctly, these were the people sitting around me at that point in time: Willie, Sek Hian, Kenny, Jeffrey Tay, Jason and Timothy. If I'm not wrong, my table was shifted on 28th May. It was on a thursday and it was on the 2nd last week of the term.
Basically, our lives for the next two weeks would be doing typically childish and stupid things amongst a variety of activities that sec 2 ACS boys indulge in. The most memorable was cutting up Chris' plastic eraser with his metal ruler and using the small pieces as projectiles to shoot at Kay Heng with. Mine would be to just simply throw it at Kay Heng. Chris' method would be more elaborate: Use a straw and blow it at Kay Heng.
The infuriated Kay Heng was a very funny person to "play" with. He'd get all fierce and violent, but all the while reamining in control of himself to come over to Chris' desk and bang his table, smash his pencil case, remove his file or just draw a pencil line across Chris' workbook/worksheet. I had seen it so many times in just one day alone that I stopped counting after a 2 days of this childish behaviour.
Project
I cannot remember clearly which subject the project was, that the class was asked to do in groups of 3. At that time, our class had 41 people. 1 person had left the school. So basically, we had one extra and this turned out to be Alex. Alex was also register number 41, so that did play quite a part in bringing us together.
If I am not wrong, I believe that the subject was History. We did have to get some pictures and scan them into a computer and later print them out. Our idea of a scrapbook was to have all the pictures printed nicely on the paper, instead of a manual cut and paste effort.
Not too long later, we received word that we had to do an art project during the upcoming june holidays. Since it was required that we do it in a group of 4, we just re-used the history group for the art project as well.
So these were the preluding circumstances that brought the four of us together to do some project work at your house.
Admission
Yes. I did like you. In fact, you were the first girl I liked when I first went into adolescence. I had no idea of all this love nonsense was all about. So I had to go find out for myself. "Experiment and Experience" as my seniors in ACS would tell me.
Worst. I liked you before even seeing you. That shows how childish, immature and foolish I really was. When you're 14, I think its still forgivable when you're mindset and mentality is still in its infancy.
I won't blame anyone. But the promotion of your brother did influence me slightly. At this period of time in ACS, especially for my batch, many people were trying to find a girlfriend. I'm not kidding. Everyone was comparing their girlfriend's looks via neoprints in sticker books or autograph books. It was like everywhere. Guys from the "nerd class of A1" to the "dumb class of E2" were happily flaunting off their "friendship bands", or items that their girlfriends had bought them, or usually, made for them. It was like a crazy fashion parade accessory: A Girlfriend. Love didn't matter at that time.
When I look back at it, I realise how childish/foolish/immature all of us had been. We didn't have the correct interpretation of love. I think like and lust were intertwined in their definitions. You were as cool as your girlfriend was pretty and whether or not she came from a good or "established" school.
For those ACS boys that might be reading this, I think the "Mike and Marvelle" pair might conjure up to you fond memories of our time trying to get girlfriends in ACS. Fast forward 4 years and the so called "Magic Couple" are nothing but bitter rivals with literally, their entire group of friends pitted against each other. It was all just hushed up in ACJC, so that everything would look normal. Again, you wouldn't know such things unless you had access to good intelligence, away from all the gossip and rumour mongering, that I managed to gain. Mike and Marvie, as they were fondly known, ended up in the same class during the 1st 3 months. He left the school for the states. She didn't even talk to him. The whole balance in the class was one of extreme uneasiness. The formerly adored princess of her time was just another typical ACJC girl whom guys quietly whispered about, with warnings about her past. Wonder why ostracising people is so quick, so sudden and so efficient in ACJC? Yeah, that's part of the reason why. Politics, Back Stabbing, Lies, Gossip, Trickery are the less often mention parts of the Dark Part of our Crest.
At that time, it was treated as a big issue if you liked some girl. It would be better to openly declare that you liked someone in school, rather than to shut up and act like you didn't have any attraction for girls. Nobody wanted to be ostracised as a "gay" or "bapok". Openly declaring such as this would be an easy way out from having neither the committments of a girlfriend nor the potential backlash should you not "declare one".
The crux of the matter is. I was too immature, too childish, too foolish. I often "followed the crowd" and "tried to be in" by doing and mimicking and imitating the things that the other popular boys did in hope that I would receive a semblance of the frail possession called "popularity".
I couldn't be in a relationship. There is no way I can properly relate to girls at that period of time because I simply had no experience. Hormones perhaps, but a childish mind would take a much bigger part of the blame.
So yes, I did like you. But it was all a sham to keep my selfish self-image covered from being splattered with 'gay markings" and hence being ostracised by the school. I can say that many other people did it as well. We even bugged your brother about some girl. I can't remember what her name was, but we found that particular girl's name in his school diary. Last page, inscribed diagonally from lower left hand corner towardsthe upper right hand corner.
May I say that Love, Like and Lust are 3 similarly sounding words with very different meanings. Basically, my thinking at that point in time: Love=Like=Lust.
Today, I realise that it is easy to like a girl, to temporarily admire a girl, to even lust for a girl. But it is very hard to love a girl. To LOVE. As in to forsake looks, money, friends, social status, academics, future and all the desirable traits and to just GIVE.
I learnt very much later in church that love is all about giving. Its not about GETTING. Unfortunately for me, at that period in time of Secondary 2, i was still not attending church at all. At at point in time, the last time I had walked into a church would be when I was 5 years old at the kindergarten at the church near my place.
Project Time
I still remember going over to your house, meeting up with your brother, Kay Heng and Alex. I can still remember that your computer at home was a Pentium I 200 MHZ with MMX Technology. At that point in time, your mom had bought your brother a new scanner for our project and was helping us in as many ways as possible. At the same time, your dad had apparently bought a whole set of ink cartridges for the printer. It was a Canon, 6-color inkjet printer. The first 6-ink inkjet printer model in its class when released at that point in time. This was not inclusive of the black color cartridge. Your brother told me it cost your dad 206 dollars after GST.
In the end, we just went through the project with minimal fuss and then installed a pirated version of Starcraft on your system. In addition, we were playing Red Alert on your computer. The wallpaper would be pink and yellow if I remember correctly. Alex had a field day explaining to you about the game and how he was playing it and what strategies he was employing. Think about it, you didn't talk to me at all. I didnt' talk to you at all. I still remember that Alex took about 2 hrs and 12 minutes for the mission with two tesla coils and a couple of V2s in it guarding the main gate. I think it was the third mission of Red Alert where you'd have to use Tanya to sabotage the power supply or something like that. Alex's strategy was to overcome with a massive influx of light tanks - almost 30 of them.
But obviously, the atmosphere was full of silence, yet was thick enough that a knife woudl cut through it like it were a hot knife through butter. I think your brother warned you about me, for your own protection. He even asked you to lock your door initially! He's a good brother. He's just doing his job protecting his sister from a insanely crazy person like me at that point in time.
Later, we switched to Starcraft, where you said the Zerg was "digusting race" and I laughed - albeit a forced one. Forced laughter is easy to distinguish and you didn't talk to me anymore after that for the rest of the day.
The Art Project
I came over to your house about 6 days later. It was sometime in the afternoon, close to about 1.50. Your mom had picked me up and sent me to your house.
This time, you were busy writing a composition on the black sofa set in your living room and asked me to proofread and comment on your composition. Of course, I did such a terrible job. How coud I actually concentrate when the girl I'm supposedly supposed to like is in front of me. Its like asking a mouse to run when the cheese is in front of him.
Your friends came over after that and you locked the door. That's probably the last which I saw of you in June.
The next time I saw you was close in September. Your mom was picking up Chris and I happened to be in the right place at the right time. Of course, I couldn't help but notice the disgusted look on your face. Well, some things will never change.
Hurt
Your brother told me the next day that "I was just an ugly guy". My goodness. Heart pain you know? Of course, I think all guys will try to act macho and act like nothing is happening. But I was cut in my heart. Worst, you told all your friends that as well. somehow, it wasn't in my capacity to hate or to be angered. You can't exactly hate someone your supposed to like in school right?
I couldn't hate you. It would be foolish to hate my good friend's sister! Worst, you had already been my "fall person" to take the scope of scrutiny for me in ACS, albeit indirectly. So in a sense, I was quite thankful that the most you did was to declare me an ugly guy and left it at that juncture. Better than a war of attrition I thought.
Fast Forward
Your brother kept me updated about you, you did get 265 for the PSLE right? And then later ended up in MGS. This complicated things further. Basically, now quite alot of people had this impression that I liked you! But i didn't yet I had to act that way!
When you went to MGS, which is classified "Favoured Girls' School" in the ACS Boys of my batch. Suddenly, everyone knew! And everything just blew out of proportion. A lie can't be a lie forever. Truth endures forever, but a lie is quickly exposed. MGS girls were very popular especially for my batch of ACSians. NO kidding. The most popular thing you could do in school would be to join the popular gang of the swimmers and ruggers. The next was to have an MGS girlfriend. Real or imagined, I don't know. I can't really remember details here because sec 4 was spent mostly studying for the big donut (The O's) and I didn't bother about girls (including you) no more. I just ignored all the nonsensical things going on around the place and eventually all the rumours in school about everyone and everything went into remission as everyone started to study for their O's.
Shock... Then Guilt
Your brother told me casually one day that you were a lesbian. I have some reliable info about some of the events that might have led up to that "change". But basically, the truth is this, it all boils down to this. Indirectly, I have caused you to hate boys and to switch to seeking love from girls. Remember, this is my perspective, because I cannot see from yours.
As much as I can go around blaming the environment, blaming others, blaming the "unfortunate circumstances" that led up to your "switch", or bring in theories from everywhere, outline hypthesis or even go and blame satan for influencing 14-16 year old MGS girls to become lesbians. The truth is that it is my fault.
I chose to write this diatribe up here because, should I email it, it could very well be only a one sided biasedness of my own perspectives that I am inisistenly projecting across. I let others inspect and see what I have written here to be honest and balanced and true to much as possible.
I am truly sorry for what I have done. I have done so in great self-centeredness and selfishness like no other. I chose to use you as cannon fodder not expecting the consequences of my own actions. It has proved to be my own undoing.
I am truly very sorry. I have hurt you in a very sensitive area. I have inflicted an injury that no one can see. But though the wound has healed a long time ago, the pain persists and there is an ugly scar etched across your pained heart. Big or small, it doesn't matter. The thing is that I did it and I will have to be responsible for my actions. Even losing a gun or a bullet or being charged or defaulted for an NS-related crime pales to this in comparison.
If it is within your capacity to do so, and if you are so willing. Will you forgive me for my foolish, childish and immature actions that have not given due regard to a good friend's sister?
I don't know if God will forgive me in this area, I think He has, but I have to seek forgiveness from you now to let the entire matter rest once and for all. All i can say is that I am a little more mature, a little less childish, a little less foolish and a little wiser from who I was 5 years ago. I pray that such a mistake will never be repeated in my life again.
I don't know what else to say. But I feel that I have let off a huge load from my chest, thrown away a skeleton into darkness and clarified matters up to my perspective that I know of and believe to be as accurate as possible. With this, I let things rest
Postlude
I was quite surprised to find out that you were actually in AH. Arts Humanities. Honestly, it would be good to establish at least a level of communication that I can talk with you - even if it is brief, cold and full of formality.
Arts Humanities. All the best to you in what you do. I really hope that you do well in school and go far. Your parents shouldn't have a problem sending you to the States for a world class education.
To each his own.
The Revelational Truth
Everything here is seen from my perspective. I've tried to be as accurate as possible in rendering the facts and the past from my perspectives. Of course I will most defnitely make mistakes in the facts here and there, certain things I mention cannot be elaborated upon and because it is my perspective, I might skew things in my favour. Let others who read what I write here digress to spot the level of my honest objectivity. This is probably the toughest post I will have to pen. It's been tough recollecting the past, and it is even sadder knowing that I wish certain things weren't the way they were. While I can't brush them off my shoulders, all I can do is to move on into the future. After all, nobody's perfect, we will all make mistakes. Just that we'll try to learn from our own individual lessons and never repeat the mistake(s) in the future. A true hero will always know his flaws and weakensses. Perhaps I'm washing dirty linen in public. But I somehow, I feel compelled to write this out. It has been a skeleton in my closet for too long a period of time.
According to T Squared's relational probability density prediction hypothesis, it was likely that it would really be you at 92% level of certainty with 6% variance. At a high, it would be 98% certainty that you are really that person whom I received information about from a not-so reliable source. Well, that source is more reliable than ever now.
But when you signed off as "xin" I knew it was you instantly.
Before I even begin. I only desire the answer to these questions:
How did you know that this is my blog?
How did you know that it is me?
How did you find your way here?
How did you know that I was referring to you?
Charles perhaps, had a part to play. But therein lies 2 to 3 deeper levels of understanding that must be understood and known.
Profiling
These are the rough profiles of the people I am going to mention:
Christopher Chaung. Chuangster, Chuangstar. Excellently good friend in secondary 2 and 3 at Barker. Your Brother.
Alex, Alex the Great, war freak, nazist hitler pacifist subcriber. Good friend since primary 4 till sec 4. Went to NJC thereafter, 3rd boy at the O level exams in 2000. Ironically, our E maths Teacher, Francis Foo said that Alex, Mark and I would never make it to JC. He really ate his words man.
Kay Heng: The guy who sits behind Chuangster in class during secondary 2. Later sent to combined science class in Sec 3.
Prelude
Chuangster sat next to me in class in Secondary 2. It happened as a result of my seat being switched from somewhere near the last row to the 3rd row, 2nd column. Chuangster sat at the 1st column 3rd row. Kay Heng was at the 1st Column 4th row and Alex was at 7th column 8th row.
We hit off right from the start as very good friends. If I can remember correctly, these were the people sitting around me at that point in time: Willie, Sek Hian, Kenny, Jeffrey Tay, Jason and Timothy. If I'm not wrong, my table was shifted on 28th May. It was on a thursday and it was on the 2nd last week of the term.
Basically, our lives for the next two weeks would be doing typically childish and stupid things amongst a variety of activities that sec 2 ACS boys indulge in. The most memorable was cutting up Chris' plastic eraser with his metal ruler and using the small pieces as projectiles to shoot at Kay Heng with. Mine would be to just simply throw it at Kay Heng. Chris' method would be more elaborate: Use a straw and blow it at Kay Heng.
The infuriated Kay Heng was a very funny person to "play" with. He'd get all fierce and violent, but all the while reamining in control of himself to come over to Chris' desk and bang his table, smash his pencil case, remove his file or just draw a pencil line across Chris' workbook/worksheet. I had seen it so many times in just one day alone that I stopped counting after a 2 days of this childish behaviour.
Project
I cannot remember clearly which subject the project was, that the class was asked to do in groups of 3. At that time, our class had 41 people. 1 person had left the school. So basically, we had one extra and this turned out to be Alex. Alex was also register number 41, so that did play quite a part in bringing us together.
If I am not wrong, I believe that the subject was History. We did have to get some pictures and scan them into a computer and later print them out. Our idea of a scrapbook was to have all the pictures printed nicely on the paper, instead of a manual cut and paste effort.
Not too long later, we received word that we had to do an art project during the upcoming june holidays. Since it was required that we do it in a group of 4, we just re-used the history group for the art project as well.
So these were the preluding circumstances that brought the four of us together to do some project work at your house.
Admission
Yes. I did like you. In fact, you were the first girl I liked when I first went into adolescence. I had no idea of all this love nonsense was all about. So I had to go find out for myself. "Experiment and Experience" as my seniors in ACS would tell me.
Worst. I liked you before even seeing you. That shows how childish, immature and foolish I really was. When you're 14, I think its still forgivable when you're mindset and mentality is still in its infancy.
I won't blame anyone. But the promotion of your brother did influence me slightly. At this period of time in ACS, especially for my batch, many people were trying to find a girlfriend. I'm not kidding. Everyone was comparing their girlfriend's looks via neoprints in sticker books or autograph books. It was like everywhere. Guys from the "nerd class of A1" to the "dumb class of E2" were happily flaunting off their "friendship bands", or items that their girlfriends had bought them, or usually, made for them. It was like a crazy fashion parade accessory: A Girlfriend. Love didn't matter at that time.
When I look back at it, I realise how childish/foolish/immature all of us had been. We didn't have the correct interpretation of love. I think like and lust were intertwined in their definitions. You were as cool as your girlfriend was pretty and whether or not she came from a good or "established" school.
For those ACS boys that might be reading this, I think the "Mike and Marvelle" pair might conjure up to you fond memories of our time trying to get girlfriends in ACS. Fast forward 4 years and the so called "Magic Couple" are nothing but bitter rivals with literally, their entire group of friends pitted against each other. It was all just hushed up in ACJC, so that everything would look normal. Again, you wouldn't know such things unless you had access to good intelligence, away from all the gossip and rumour mongering, that I managed to gain. Mike and Marvie, as they were fondly known, ended up in the same class during the 1st 3 months. He left the school for the states. She didn't even talk to him. The whole balance in the class was one of extreme uneasiness. The formerly adored princess of her time was just another typical ACJC girl whom guys quietly whispered about, with warnings about her past. Wonder why ostracising people is so quick, so sudden and so efficient in ACJC? Yeah, that's part of the reason why. Politics, Back Stabbing, Lies, Gossip, Trickery are the less often mention parts of the Dark Part of our Crest.
At that time, it was treated as a big issue if you liked some girl. It would be better to openly declare that you liked someone in school, rather than to shut up and act like you didn't have any attraction for girls. Nobody wanted to be ostracised as a "gay" or "bapok". Openly declaring such as this would be an easy way out from having neither the committments of a girlfriend nor the potential backlash should you not "declare one".
The crux of the matter is. I was too immature, too childish, too foolish. I often "followed the crowd" and "tried to be in" by doing and mimicking and imitating the things that the other popular boys did in hope that I would receive a semblance of the frail possession called "popularity".
I couldn't be in a relationship. There is no way I can properly relate to girls at that period of time because I simply had no experience. Hormones perhaps, but a childish mind would take a much bigger part of the blame.
So yes, I did like you. But it was all a sham to keep my selfish self-image covered from being splattered with 'gay markings" and hence being ostracised by the school. I can say that many other people did it as well. We even bugged your brother about some girl. I can't remember what her name was, but we found that particular girl's name in his school diary. Last page, inscribed diagonally from lower left hand corner towardsthe upper right hand corner.
May I say that Love, Like and Lust are 3 similarly sounding words with very different meanings. Basically, my thinking at that point in time: Love=Like=Lust.
Today, I realise that it is easy to like a girl, to temporarily admire a girl, to even lust for a girl. But it is very hard to love a girl. To LOVE. As in to forsake looks, money, friends, social status, academics, future and all the desirable traits and to just GIVE.
I learnt very much later in church that love is all about giving. Its not about GETTING. Unfortunately for me, at that period in time of Secondary 2, i was still not attending church at all. At at point in time, the last time I had walked into a church would be when I was 5 years old at the kindergarten at the church near my place.
Project Time
I still remember going over to your house, meeting up with your brother, Kay Heng and Alex. I can still remember that your computer at home was a Pentium I 200 MHZ with MMX Technology. At that point in time, your mom had bought your brother a new scanner for our project and was helping us in as many ways as possible. At the same time, your dad had apparently bought a whole set of ink cartridges for the printer. It was a Canon, 6-color inkjet printer. The first 6-ink inkjet printer model in its class when released at that point in time. This was not inclusive of the black color cartridge. Your brother told me it cost your dad 206 dollars after GST.
In the end, we just went through the project with minimal fuss and then installed a pirated version of Starcraft on your system. In addition, we were playing Red Alert on your computer. The wallpaper would be pink and yellow if I remember correctly. Alex had a field day explaining to you about the game and how he was playing it and what strategies he was employing. Think about it, you didn't talk to me at all. I didnt' talk to you at all. I still remember that Alex took about 2 hrs and 12 minutes for the mission with two tesla coils and a couple of V2s in it guarding the main gate. I think it was the third mission of Red Alert where you'd have to use Tanya to sabotage the power supply or something like that. Alex's strategy was to overcome with a massive influx of light tanks - almost 30 of them.
But obviously, the atmosphere was full of silence, yet was thick enough that a knife woudl cut through it like it were a hot knife through butter. I think your brother warned you about me, for your own protection. He even asked you to lock your door initially! He's a good brother. He's just doing his job protecting his sister from a insanely crazy person like me at that point in time.
Later, we switched to Starcraft, where you said the Zerg was "digusting race" and I laughed - albeit a forced one. Forced laughter is easy to distinguish and you didn't talk to me anymore after that for the rest of the day.
The Art Project
I came over to your house about 6 days later. It was sometime in the afternoon, close to about 1.50. Your mom had picked me up and sent me to your house.
This time, you were busy writing a composition on the black sofa set in your living room and asked me to proofread and comment on your composition. Of course, I did such a terrible job. How coud I actually concentrate when the girl I'm supposedly supposed to like is in front of me. Its like asking a mouse to run when the cheese is in front of him.
Your friends came over after that and you locked the door. That's probably the last which I saw of you in June.
The next time I saw you was close in September. Your mom was picking up Chris and I happened to be in the right place at the right time. Of course, I couldn't help but notice the disgusted look on your face. Well, some things will never change.
Hurt
Your brother told me the next day that "I was just an ugly guy". My goodness. Heart pain you know? Of course, I think all guys will try to act macho and act like nothing is happening. But I was cut in my heart. Worst, you told all your friends that as well. somehow, it wasn't in my capacity to hate or to be angered. You can't exactly hate someone your supposed to like in school right?
I couldn't hate you. It would be foolish to hate my good friend's sister! Worst, you had already been my "fall person" to take the scope of scrutiny for me in ACS, albeit indirectly. So in a sense, I was quite thankful that the most you did was to declare me an ugly guy and left it at that juncture. Better than a war of attrition I thought.
Fast Forward
Your brother kept me updated about you, you did get 265 for the PSLE right? And then later ended up in MGS. This complicated things further. Basically, now quite alot of people had this impression that I liked you! But i didn't yet I had to act that way!
When you went to MGS, which is classified "Favoured Girls' School" in the ACS Boys of my batch. Suddenly, everyone knew! And everything just blew out of proportion. A lie can't be a lie forever. Truth endures forever, but a lie is quickly exposed. MGS girls were very popular especially for my batch of ACSians. NO kidding. The most popular thing you could do in school would be to join the popular gang of the swimmers and ruggers. The next was to have an MGS girlfriend. Real or imagined, I don't know. I can't really remember details here because sec 4 was spent mostly studying for the big donut (The O's) and I didn't bother about girls (including you) no more. I just ignored all the nonsensical things going on around the place and eventually all the rumours in school about everyone and everything went into remission as everyone started to study for their O's.
Shock... Then Guilt
Your brother told me casually one day that you were a lesbian. I have some reliable info about some of the events that might have led up to that "change". But basically, the truth is this, it all boils down to this. Indirectly, I have caused you to hate boys and to switch to seeking love from girls. Remember, this is my perspective, because I cannot see from yours.
As much as I can go around blaming the environment, blaming others, blaming the "unfortunate circumstances" that led up to your "switch", or bring in theories from everywhere, outline hypthesis or even go and blame satan for influencing 14-16 year old MGS girls to become lesbians. The truth is that it is my fault.
I chose to write this diatribe up here because, should I email it, it could very well be only a one sided biasedness of my own perspectives that I am inisistenly projecting across. I let others inspect and see what I have written here to be honest and balanced and true to much as possible.
I am truly sorry for what I have done. I have done so in great self-centeredness and selfishness like no other. I chose to use you as cannon fodder not expecting the consequences of my own actions. It has proved to be my own undoing.
I am truly very sorry. I have hurt you in a very sensitive area. I have inflicted an injury that no one can see. But though the wound has healed a long time ago, the pain persists and there is an ugly scar etched across your pained heart. Big or small, it doesn't matter. The thing is that I did it and I will have to be responsible for my actions. Even losing a gun or a bullet or being charged or defaulted for an NS-related crime pales to this in comparison.
If it is within your capacity to do so, and if you are so willing. Will you forgive me for my foolish, childish and immature actions that have not given due regard to a good friend's sister?
I don't know if God will forgive me in this area, I think He has, but I have to seek forgiveness from you now to let the entire matter rest once and for all. All i can say is that I am a little more mature, a little less childish, a little less foolish and a little wiser from who I was 5 years ago. I pray that such a mistake will never be repeated in my life again.
I don't know what else to say. But I feel that I have let off a huge load from my chest, thrown away a skeleton into darkness and clarified matters up to my perspective that I know of and believe to be as accurate as possible. With this, I let things rest
Postlude
I was quite surprised to find out that you were actually in AH. Arts Humanities. Honestly, it would be good to establish at least a level of communication that I can talk with you - even if it is brief, cold and full of formality.
Arts Humanities. All the best to you in what you do. I really hope that you do well in school and go far. Your parents shouldn't have a problem sending you to the States for a world class education.
To each his own.
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