Friday, December 12

Listening to Chris Tomlin - Lamb of God

I am going to be SO BROKE until Chinese New Year "redeems" me of my "poverty". I am so thankful that is is in late January, rather than early Febuary.

Collected another 200 dollars worth of Fun-O-Rama tickets. I can't wait till I can go back to school and relive my horrific memories. Pehaps even just from a different paradigm. But its a memory no less. I ought to have retained or something. School is seriously so fun. It beats rotting away in the base.

The year quickly draws to a close. Slightly more than two weeks and it will be a fresh start once again. Somehow, I always enjoy the last few months of the year, followed by the early months of the following year. All the holidays, the rainy weather, the general sense of optimism and happiness that everyone feels.

Been feeling rather listless and inattentive as of late. I seemingly have no focus for next year. No goals, no aspirations, no achievements that I have set myself out to do. Perhaps I ought to postpone all goal setting. Or even just suspend it by one year. To give myself some breathing space. I think Singaporeans ought to learn to just slow down, stop if necessary and just look around them. Too often we journy by the fastest means, shortest routes in the most hurried manner possible to the destination. Only to miss out on many thing on the journey.

Perhaps I ought to just drift in life for a while. To just let "things be". Besides neverending slavery no-choice committments. I'll do everything else on my own accord and just suck up the beauty of whatever is around me. I certainly hope to study in the States. If that's not possible, I might just consider going to Australia or the UK for my undergraduate studies. Singapore Universities will be the last option for me. I do not desire to be in an "academically challenging" environment no less because the lecturers are all half-past-six ones.

I need fresh insights. A differing perspective. A change of environment. Life is too predicatible and stagnates so easily in our small country. Besides, I notice a massive slew of ACJC people going abroad for their studies. Strange. Come to think of it. All the girls I have ever liked in ACJC are all overseas. Except perhaps of course, Maggie. Whatever "like" might be interpreted in the widest possible out of point sense of the word itself.

Maybe I'll be mad enough to go read subjects like: Politics, Philosophy, Political Science, Literature, History, International Relations or some course that would be considered to be "potential career suicide" in Singapore. The sciences are great. But the ARTS should not be ignored either. I wonder how things would have been if I had decided to pursue ARTS in ACJC. I might be a totally different person.

Who cares what other people say. Nay, for the few strands of wise guidance and counsel. I honestly do not know what I will be doing 10 years down on the path of my life. 30. That is how close it might seem to be. Finances, health, work and so on. Will I still love God? I honestly cannot say. Sometimes, the future does look frightening, daunting in all its possibilities. I only take comfort and seek shelter in the Words of my Lord who has taught us to live one day at a time. How comforting indeed!

Marriage is probably the most contentious issue for me 10 years down the road. I can just imagine the smile of glee on my brother's face when he proves me right that "I cannot get a girlfriend". What else would mum and dad think of me? And would the relatives wonder if something was wrong with my upbringing or maybe I was just screwed up "that way". Amusing I might find it, perhaps not others. Life is so unpredicatible at times when politics rears its ugly head and messes up things even more.

Taking care of myself is one thing. Taking care of my parents is another. They will no longer be young. Age would have caught up with them. Sandwich generation? Perhaps. But I trust that I will be able to earn enough money to suppor them and take good care of their medical needs in times to come. Certainly, I would like to be wealthy enough to help them gain permanent residency in either New Zealand or somewhere within the Northern Territories in Canada. Peace to them for the remaining days of their life.

Maybe I'll be a Banker. Maybe I'll be an academic. Maybe I'll be a teacher. Maybe I'll be something that I myself cannot forsee being now. But I don't care, although the nagging doubt/thought is always there. Like standing on a frozen plateau and hearing the wind rush past your ears. It just does not go away. It is a sounds to be heard and to be disliked all at the same time. Sweet thorn in the flesh, anyone?

Complexities abound in life. Life is not as simple as they say it is. Or perhaps it is simple, but its very unpredicatibility makes it difficult to comprehend in the least measure. Amazing ephiphanies can be gained just by reading the works and the thoughts of great ancient thinkers. They ponder the same things that we ponder today. Only in a different contexst of space and time. A duality of sorts in its hidden double meanings? I doubt so. Yet I doubt not.

Simulacra and Simulation. How true.

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