I think I that I'm seriously screwed up, mentally, that is.

I have too many inner conflicts between my heart and mind, my soul and spirit, my emotions and reality. Besides, I have to keep up to the expectations of so many people, the value systems used by various groups and to be a different person with different groups of people. The spiritual side and the sinful side are of course, at war with each other. Besides, I just don't feel anything for anyone. I can't feel love for people, nor hate, nor anger.

I only love because "i'm supposed to love", care because "i'm supposed to care", smile because "everyone expects me to smile", laugh because "the world is laughing". If people die, I don't feel sadness for them or their families. If they fall very sick, Its like I don't care, but I care because "i'm supposed to care".

Tsk, I'm not really concerned with the world around me, but rather, I'm confused with the world within me. Its like a complex mathematical theorem. So difficult to understand, yet at the same time, at least I am comforted by the fact that God knows me through and through.

The way I speak is testament to this - I speak without tact and with gross guesses. I think too far ahead in a conversation and try to "steer" it that way. Which often results in disastrous conseqences. I can express myself well, but I can't communicate meaningfully.

I hate it