I have a tremendous deluge of thoughts over the last 48 hours. I think I can literally write a 5000 word essay just with my collected thoughts. Nonetheless, I shall try to "internally summarise my thoughts and break them down into more logical parts, without jumping suddenly from one topic to another.
I'm trying to summarise my thoughts as much as possible. No point writing too much on a topic that isn't really connected with my day.
17th May 2003
Morning Training at Kallang Regional Base
I went to KRB myself today as Dad has gone to Penang to attend his cousin's wedding. Gee, I didn't even know that my dad has a cousin in Penang. Oh well, mum banged on my door at 5.30 this morning. She had to send dad to the airport, so she was up since about 4.30 I think.
I thought my handphone alarm had failed to go off and I had oversleep. I rushed to the door and answered it.
"What time you waking up?!"
hello, am I like Not AWAKE enough?
"What time is it"
"Oh its 5.30"
"I'm waking up at 6 o'clock lah!!!!!!"
I slammed the door somewhat softly and went back to bed. Couldn't sleep so I just started my morning routine at 5.45
I really hate it to have my sleep disturbed, especially since I don't get much sleep already, either due to personal reasons or training reasons or other (like mum waking me up!)
I take a long time to fall asleep and I'm very easily awakened.
We had to run like 2.4km again. I ran like shit! Last week can run so well, this week felt like dying. Ragu said it was partly due to my mentality, that since this was "for fun", my mind desired not to push the body. Perhaps indeed. But I really desire the 9 minute mark. I hope that I can do it, no matter what. Still, it feels good to run, when my body claims it is "tired". I have to push myself beyond its so called imaginary limits.
I had class later on, conducted my SSgt Tan. Because of the attachment later, I decided to just sleep in class. Besides, the regulars, Kadir and the rest were sleeping in class as well. Class was really boring again. I sat the furthest corner of the lecture hall and slept for about 1 1/2 hours. I only woke up when I heard people shouting "go home! go home", what a wonderful way to pass time in a boring class and get some rest.
Merf's Gig at library@esplanade
I thought I had to rush down to the Esplanade at about 4p.m, when Merf was going to have his band's performance. Merf later sent me an sms, saying that his band would be the last performer and thus, the performance would only start at about 4.30.
As Merf's band, The Moren Tea Estate, got on stage, Van handed me and Ryan some small banners to wave about. When Merf saw it on stage, he let out a loud "oei!" and everyone just turned back to stare at us. Ok, so Ryan's quite handsome, so some of the girls didn't mind taking an extra long look at him. Hahaha.
Moren Tea Estate is an indies alternative band, but on this performance, it was more acoustic, something like MTV's unplugged. The drums were kept at a minimum. Kecheng, the lead singer, guitarist is really good. He used to be in my cellgroup, but left church after going into NS.
Most of the songs were the typical rock lyrics sung to an indie beat and the music sounded very much like those made by indian Sitars. Kecheng's plucking is rather good and so that added to the "indie effect" of the songs they sung. Merf was on bass and backup vocals. I think he did a rather good job too. He said he was very nervous before the gig, but its a good thing that stage fright did not manifest itself upon him.
MTE received the loudest applause after performing 4 songs, using up the 15 minutes the library had allocated to them. I was just very happy that one of their more public debuts had gone very well, beyond most of our expectations indeed. I think close to a hundred people watched the performance. As opposed to 50 to 60 for the first 2 perfromances.
I rushed off after that to Chua Chu Kang MRT station, for my attachment.
Attachment at Loyang Regional Base
The Loyang Regional Base, or Lim Chu Kang Base, is the smallest of the Police Coast Guard's Bases. It handles the westerns straits of Singapore up to the west side of the causeway.
I arrived at CCK MRT station early, although I called Poh Yong beforehand and told him to expect me late. I had a quick dinner at Long John Silvers (The fish is really good! Way better than their chicken!), met up with the regulars and Edmund, who was the last to come, late as well (as always).
We took bus 175 to the base. My goodness, it was a very long ride, pass HDB blocks, then the Christian Cemetery (Where I'd like to be buried), the chinese cemetery, Tengah Airbase, SAF Logistics Center, SAF Infantry Camp, SAF armour camp, Protected forests, protected open land, Sime Darby Camp (I think) and finally the base. Wow, so many military buldings in one bus trip! They army Camps are HUGE! Don't know what the hell they have in there though. Looks almost like a maximum security prison to me.
I was attached to a 2nd Generation boat. One of the smaller ones that could only take a crew of 3, with me it was 4. The good thing about the boat was that you could see 360 degrees. The other 2nd Gen boats at Gul Base had blind spots at the rear.
The crew commander was a HELMSMAN. First time with a Red Anchor guy. He drives the boat like it was nothing. Its nice no kick to him, so simple and effortless. In addition, he handles backwash waves at high speed very well too. No hard smacks against the water.
Our area of patrol was at the 2nd link, Tuas. We patrolled the waters just below the bridge. The water was very calm and it wasn't as dark as Wei Loong told me it would be, since there was lighting from the 2nd link. It was quite quiet, except for stopping a sampan that didn't have a registration number. Later, when we had stopped the sampan, the driver just told us that the boat's registration was at the bow, not at the port and that they were heading back to Raffle's Marina after a fishing trip.
They almost looked like illegal immigrants trying to sneak their way into Singapore. Just a boat looking for trouble. My crew commander let them go thereafter.
Sleep was non-existent, it was SO cold, I had not brought a jacket (on the presumption that the boats in LRB had no aircon). I couldn't sleep in the chair either because I kept slipping off. I rolled my sleeves down, but that served little to prevent the loss of heat on the all metal table in which I placed my arms upon.
18th May 2003
So finally at about 2a.m, when I'm so dead tired, my crew commander asks me to sleep on the one and only bed, whilst he would sleep on the floor. After all, it would just be a one off thing for him. I repaid his kindness by kicking him in the arm whilst sleeping! Luckily he didn't say anything or else I would have like just died! Besides, my shoes are STEEL TIPPED for protection. It must have hurt quite badly. =P
I did some other things that I can't mention in my blog as they are classified. Too bad, it is something really worth sharing, but I can't. Only other thing I did was to sms a few friends and that was about it.
I woke up the next day close to 8. I got 6 good hours of sleep! First thing I saw was my crew commander on the floor. He didn't mind sleeping on the floor, he just smiled at me and asked me if I slept well. What a kind guy indeed! I won't forget him for a long time.
I returned to base at 9.15, apparently the last person to do so again. At Gul I was the last, here I'm also the last! It has to be my stupid registration number, which always sends me for patrols the furthest away from the base! ARGH!
Had breakfast with Poh Yong and the Regulars and we broke off. Headed to church.
Church
I arrived at church, changed my top into a long sleeved one and slept in the lobby chair. I think the receptionist is starting to notice "this guy who sleep in the chair once a fortnight at 11 o'clock in the morning". Can't help it, its better to get some rest rather than waste my energy.
Paid my tithe of 35 dollars via NETS, its too painful to withdraw the money, break the note, put the money into the envelope and then put into the offering bucket. I'd rather have the money be taken from me invisibly, so that my mind doesn't register its "lost" and thus avoids the "pain" of giving money to God. My mind hates to give God money. My Spirit doesn't mind giving to God till I'm financially broke. A conflict indeed.
I met up with George and Alice and went into the Sanctuary. Loved it, they were playing God is Great. Just the song to perk me up! =)
There was a short Prayer meeting as usual before service as usual, and I still ended up praying with George when Pastor asked us to pray in pairs for things on the prayer list. As usual, we never managed to finish praying for all the items on the list.
Praise and Worship was great, but not as great as I expected it to be. Nonetheless, still acceptable. Just immediately after worship when everyone was still standing, Pastor asked two youths to come to the stage to pray for the upcoming Youth Conference. Wow, the girl was really pretty! Not only that, its like she said all the right words and all the right things. Suddenly, i felt my the jealously of my mind that I was not up there praying for the conference. It was so sudden that it caught my spirit off guard. I rebuked my mind with the words"
"I refuse to share the Glory of God! I refuse!"
I shouted in my Spirit. My mind was being selfish again, desiring fame, popularity, glory, adoration and admiration. The very things that belong to God. My mind ceased being jealous after that. After that I felt my spirit decide, "I have to be absolutely holy, absolutely Holy, NO MORE SIN!"
.Pastor proceeded to preach the final part of his sermon on handling disappointments in life. I don't how he does it, but everytime I go to church I get so inspired and fired up for God. I feel so holy on a sunday after service. But somehow, half dead by mid week, by end of the week, I'm literally spiritually dying. The feeling sucks as Satan always attacks me on the weekends, when I am mentally stressed, physically tired and spiritually weak.
I hate it! I need to find victory!
Only one part of Pastor's message really really really stuck out.
"You will only get from God as much as you expect from God, no more, no less"
Then I realised that I have not been expecting from God what I really need. I need God to fight my Spiritual battles for me! But then as much as I think this is realistic, isn't what God wants is that I fight the spiritual battle myself? Whilst drawing on power and strength from Him? I'm really confused. =(
I need to walk in absolute, total, complete victory if I want to make my Christian Life count. I don't want to be another nut who lives for no purpose and no cause. I choose to serve my King's purpose for me. Now I need to find it and to confirm it and to be absolutely certain.
I need victory. That's something I really really really lack. If I am victorious in my Christian Walk, and I know that nothing satan throws at me can stop me, it would be a very good foundation indeed for God to do the work He's planned for me.
As I'm trying to write shorter blogs, I shall no longer elaborate too much. =)
Dinner
I left Church early today, didn't have lunch with the cellgroup as everyone was parting their ways to do their own things. I went to Aunt Poh Lin's house, took a nice shower and changed and read the papers. She's kind enough to boil ginseng and Chrysenthemum for me once again.
Dinner was a very simple affair. Only thing was that when mum found that I had left my wallet in the toilet, she checked it and found my tithing receipt of 35 dollars. She felt that my church was too rich already and that i need not donate anymore.
I deflected attention away to my cousin Wei, who attends New Creation, to let him explain things for himself. His explaination would more or less be the explaination I would use. Mum thinks that churches are out to cheat the people of their money, use the money to their own personal ends, to make the staff rich, for investments and the like.
All I can say is that I don't understand why my mum has so much poison against me giving money to God? I 'm giving to God! not to the church! I might as well just tithe 5 dollars to 7 different churches in Singapore and still I would have satisfied my tithe towards God! Sigh. it only goes to show how much my mum is against me being a protestant Christian. She's a Roman Catholic. Damn, from my Protestant perspectives, they've got it screwed up, but from her's, I'm screwed up.
I can't defend my "religious beliefs" with secular reasons. Because the world has NOTHING in common with the thing of God. I'll continue to tithe. I'll continue to give. I don't mind giving till I starve. That's fine with me. Anything for my King. Anything.
But saying is like so easy, doing is like so hard. I just wish to do, because actions really do speak louder than words.
I'm trying to summarise my thoughts as much as possible. No point writing too much on a topic that isn't really connected with my day.
17th May 2003
Morning Training at Kallang Regional Base
I went to KRB myself today as Dad has gone to Penang to attend his cousin's wedding. Gee, I didn't even know that my dad has a cousin in Penang. Oh well, mum banged on my door at 5.30 this morning. She had to send dad to the airport, so she was up since about 4.30 I think.
I thought my handphone alarm had failed to go off and I had oversleep. I rushed to the door and answered it.
"What time you waking up?!"
hello, am I like Not AWAKE enough?
"What time is it"
"Oh its 5.30"
"I'm waking up at 6 o'clock lah!!!!!!"
I slammed the door somewhat softly and went back to bed. Couldn't sleep so I just started my morning routine at 5.45
I really hate it to have my sleep disturbed, especially since I don't get much sleep already, either due to personal reasons or training reasons or other (like mum waking me up!)
I take a long time to fall asleep and I'm very easily awakened.
We had to run like 2.4km again. I ran like shit! Last week can run so well, this week felt like dying. Ragu said it was partly due to my mentality, that since this was "for fun", my mind desired not to push the body. Perhaps indeed. But I really desire the 9 minute mark. I hope that I can do it, no matter what. Still, it feels good to run, when my body claims it is "tired". I have to push myself beyond its so called imaginary limits.
I had class later on, conducted my SSgt Tan. Because of the attachment later, I decided to just sleep in class. Besides, the regulars, Kadir and the rest were sleeping in class as well. Class was really boring again. I sat the furthest corner of the lecture hall and slept for about 1 1/2 hours. I only woke up when I heard people shouting "go home! go home", what a wonderful way to pass time in a boring class and get some rest.
Merf's Gig at library@esplanade
I thought I had to rush down to the Esplanade at about 4p.m, when Merf was going to have his band's performance. Merf later sent me an sms, saying that his band would be the last performer and thus, the performance would only start at about 4.30.
As Merf's band, The Moren Tea Estate, got on stage, Van handed me and Ryan some small banners to wave about. When Merf saw it on stage, he let out a loud "oei!" and everyone just turned back to stare at us. Ok, so Ryan's quite handsome, so some of the girls didn't mind taking an extra long look at him. Hahaha.
Moren Tea Estate is an indies alternative band, but on this performance, it was more acoustic, something like MTV's unplugged. The drums were kept at a minimum. Kecheng, the lead singer, guitarist is really good. He used to be in my cellgroup, but left church after going into NS.
Most of the songs were the typical rock lyrics sung to an indie beat and the music sounded very much like those made by indian Sitars. Kecheng's plucking is rather good and so that added to the "indie effect" of the songs they sung. Merf was on bass and backup vocals. I think he did a rather good job too. He said he was very nervous before the gig, but its a good thing that stage fright did not manifest itself upon him.
MTE received the loudest applause after performing 4 songs, using up the 15 minutes the library had allocated to them. I was just very happy that one of their more public debuts had gone very well, beyond most of our expectations indeed. I think close to a hundred people watched the performance. As opposed to 50 to 60 for the first 2 perfromances.
I rushed off after that to Chua Chu Kang MRT station, for my attachment.
Attachment at Loyang Regional Base
The Loyang Regional Base, or Lim Chu Kang Base, is the smallest of the Police Coast Guard's Bases. It handles the westerns straits of Singapore up to the west side of the causeway.
I arrived at CCK MRT station early, although I called Poh Yong beforehand and told him to expect me late. I had a quick dinner at Long John Silvers (The fish is really good! Way better than their chicken!), met up with the regulars and Edmund, who was the last to come, late as well (as always).
We took bus 175 to the base. My goodness, it was a very long ride, pass HDB blocks, then the Christian Cemetery (Where I'd like to be buried), the chinese cemetery, Tengah Airbase, SAF Logistics Center, SAF Infantry Camp, SAF armour camp, Protected forests, protected open land, Sime Darby Camp (I think) and finally the base. Wow, so many military buldings in one bus trip! They army Camps are HUGE! Don't know what the hell they have in there though. Looks almost like a maximum security prison to me.
I was attached to a 2nd Generation boat. One of the smaller ones that could only take a crew of 3, with me it was 4. The good thing about the boat was that you could see 360 degrees. The other 2nd Gen boats at Gul Base had blind spots at the rear.
The crew commander was a HELMSMAN. First time with a Red Anchor guy. He drives the boat like it was nothing. Its nice no kick to him, so simple and effortless. In addition, he handles backwash waves at high speed very well too. No hard smacks against the water.
Our area of patrol was at the 2nd link, Tuas. We patrolled the waters just below the bridge. The water was very calm and it wasn't as dark as Wei Loong told me it would be, since there was lighting from the 2nd link. It was quite quiet, except for stopping a sampan that didn't have a registration number. Later, when we had stopped the sampan, the driver just told us that the boat's registration was at the bow, not at the port and that they were heading back to Raffle's Marina after a fishing trip.
They almost looked like illegal immigrants trying to sneak their way into Singapore. Just a boat looking for trouble. My crew commander let them go thereafter.
Sleep was non-existent, it was SO cold, I had not brought a jacket (on the presumption that the boats in LRB had no aircon). I couldn't sleep in the chair either because I kept slipping off. I rolled my sleeves down, but that served little to prevent the loss of heat on the all metal table in which I placed my arms upon.
18th May 2003
So finally at about 2a.m, when I'm so dead tired, my crew commander asks me to sleep on the one and only bed, whilst he would sleep on the floor. After all, it would just be a one off thing for him. I repaid his kindness by kicking him in the arm whilst sleeping! Luckily he didn't say anything or else I would have like just died! Besides, my shoes are STEEL TIPPED for protection. It must have hurt quite badly. =P
I did some other things that I can't mention in my blog as they are classified. Too bad, it is something really worth sharing, but I can't. Only other thing I did was to sms a few friends and that was about it.
I woke up the next day close to 8. I got 6 good hours of sleep! First thing I saw was my crew commander on the floor. He didn't mind sleeping on the floor, he just smiled at me and asked me if I slept well. What a kind guy indeed! I won't forget him for a long time.
I returned to base at 9.15, apparently the last person to do so again. At Gul I was the last, here I'm also the last! It has to be my stupid registration number, which always sends me for patrols the furthest away from the base! ARGH!
Had breakfast with Poh Yong and the Regulars and we broke off. Headed to church.
Church
I arrived at church, changed my top into a long sleeved one and slept in the lobby chair. I think the receptionist is starting to notice "this guy who sleep in the chair once a fortnight at 11 o'clock in the morning". Can't help it, its better to get some rest rather than waste my energy.
Paid my tithe of 35 dollars via NETS, its too painful to withdraw the money, break the note, put the money into the envelope and then put into the offering bucket. I'd rather have the money be taken from me invisibly, so that my mind doesn't register its "lost" and thus avoids the "pain" of giving money to God. My mind hates to give God money. My Spirit doesn't mind giving to God till I'm financially broke. A conflict indeed.
I met up with George and Alice and went into the Sanctuary. Loved it, they were playing God is Great. Just the song to perk me up! =)
There was a short Prayer meeting as usual before service as usual, and I still ended up praying with George when Pastor asked us to pray in pairs for things on the prayer list. As usual, we never managed to finish praying for all the items on the list.
Praise and Worship was great, but not as great as I expected it to be. Nonetheless, still acceptable. Just immediately after worship when everyone was still standing, Pastor asked two youths to come to the stage to pray for the upcoming Youth Conference. Wow, the girl was really pretty! Not only that, its like she said all the right words and all the right things. Suddenly, i felt my the jealously of my mind that I was not up there praying for the conference. It was so sudden that it caught my spirit off guard. I rebuked my mind with the words"
"I refuse to share the Glory of God! I refuse!"
I shouted in my Spirit. My mind was being selfish again, desiring fame, popularity, glory, adoration and admiration. The very things that belong to God. My mind ceased being jealous after that. After that I felt my spirit decide, "I have to be absolutely holy, absolutely Holy, NO MORE SIN!"
.Pastor proceeded to preach the final part of his sermon on handling disappointments in life. I don't how he does it, but everytime I go to church I get so inspired and fired up for God. I feel so holy on a sunday after service. But somehow, half dead by mid week, by end of the week, I'm literally spiritually dying. The feeling sucks as Satan always attacks me on the weekends, when I am mentally stressed, physically tired and spiritually weak.
I hate it! I need to find victory!
Only one part of Pastor's message really really really stuck out.
"You will only get from God as much as you expect from God, no more, no less"
Then I realised that I have not been expecting from God what I really need. I need God to fight my Spiritual battles for me! But then as much as I think this is realistic, isn't what God wants is that I fight the spiritual battle myself? Whilst drawing on power and strength from Him? I'm really confused. =(
I need to walk in absolute, total, complete victory if I want to make my Christian Life count. I don't want to be another nut who lives for no purpose and no cause. I choose to serve my King's purpose for me. Now I need to find it and to confirm it and to be absolutely certain.
I need victory. That's something I really really really lack. If I am victorious in my Christian Walk, and I know that nothing satan throws at me can stop me, it would be a very good foundation indeed for God to do the work He's planned for me.
As I'm trying to write shorter blogs, I shall no longer elaborate too much. =)
Dinner
I left Church early today, didn't have lunch with the cellgroup as everyone was parting their ways to do their own things. I went to Aunt Poh Lin's house, took a nice shower and changed and read the papers. She's kind enough to boil ginseng and Chrysenthemum for me once again.
Dinner was a very simple affair. Only thing was that when mum found that I had left my wallet in the toilet, she checked it and found my tithing receipt of 35 dollars. She felt that my church was too rich already and that i need not donate anymore.
I deflected attention away to my cousin Wei, who attends New Creation, to let him explain things for himself. His explaination would more or less be the explaination I would use. Mum thinks that churches are out to cheat the people of their money, use the money to their own personal ends, to make the staff rich, for investments and the like.
All I can say is that I don't understand why my mum has so much poison against me giving money to God? I 'm giving to God! not to the church! I might as well just tithe 5 dollars to 7 different churches in Singapore and still I would have satisfied my tithe towards God! Sigh. it only goes to show how much my mum is against me being a protestant Christian. She's a Roman Catholic. Damn, from my Protestant perspectives, they've got it screwed up, but from her's, I'm screwed up.
I can't defend my "religious beliefs" with secular reasons. Because the world has NOTHING in common with the thing of God. I'll continue to tithe. I'll continue to give. I don't mind giving till I starve. That's fine with me. Anything for my King. Anything.
But saying is like so easy, doing is like so hard. I just wish to do, because actions really do speak louder than words.
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