A Page Is Turned

This is almost chronicles my life story from 2000-2002, and it is the longest post I've written this year. Almost a short story in itself. Read slowly. Take your time...



I guess that the last 3 years of my education. With regards to the Chinese Language as well as many other factors and feelings do not rival the first 9 years in terms of the "sum of experiences". I would safely say that within the last 1000 days or so of my miseducation at the greatest institution of nonsense in the country did teach me many things about life and others.

Come to think about it, most of the interesting conversations I had was in the most nonsense junior college in the country. And the fact is that when I have known many many people and seen them grow up from the day we were barely over a meter tall. To what we are today. And its just plain amazing. Perhaps even very nostalgic when I think about it. Well this will be the last part of my so called experience with the 2nd language of chinese. And perhaps its very autobiographical as well.

I did write about 320 posts ago about half the story. Half my story during these three years. But I intently deleted out quite a sizable chunk experiences because it was not yet the time before such things could be revealed. As its been more than 2 years since the time of the prom. I guess that its quite safe now. I don't know who reads this blog. Yet I can say that the rearing popularity of blogging makes it much less fun and interesting than it was more than a year ago. This whole thing was supposed to be a repository of experiences. Yet I say now that it has become a bunker of shared thoughts and musings of the university of life.

Ok to start off with secondary 4. No doubt chinese classes were tremendously fun. No doubt we could have tremdendous havoc in class and no doubt we had the greatest chinese teacher in the history of ACS. The funky Chinaman has taught for at least 28 years at the last count when I was in secondary 4. That would be almost 31 or 32 years today. He was originally a port shipping crane operator at PSA in the 60s. He worked there for a month before his friend at ACS asked him to come and teach chinese at our glorified institution. And the rest is history. Its amazing the number of stories many seniors can share with me about their experiences in school. Most especially being "The Chinese Teacher and Chinese Class". Its not everyday where you are immeersed in a school culture where its pretty cool to get an F9 for you 2nd language. Ah well. While I probably do regret it with a tinge of bitterness today. I would say that maybe time and maturity will eventually catch up with me and I will go and hit the books once again sometime in the future.

If you look at it this way. I was doing really well in terms of class performance in the eyes of my parents as well as my super strict chinese tutor. My tutor upkept her reputation as being "one of those that can turn any ACS boy around". My my, would they all be in for a horrific surprise when the O-level chinese results were released in August that year. I got an F9. It was a disaster. At first I laughed along with the people who sat around me. Because a large number of people I knew in class received F9s for their results. Yet when I got home, I'm pretty sure that I let alot of people at home down, since they had so much vested interest in my studies. And without a D7 in chinese. That unattainable D7 in chinese, I would never have the opportunity to enter to JC.

One must understand that at this point of my life. I had been dead set on going to Singapore Polytechnic like a number of like minded classmates and schoolmates to pursue some polytechnic diploma in Computer Science, Programming or Information Technology. I loved computers very much. Its the one thing that can capture my fancy as well as attention during those days. And I really enjoyed learning all those programming languages. C plus plus as well as a whole slew of web programming languages and others. My grades for the mid year exam in school was a disaster. I had like 34 points for my L1R5? And it was my first and my only time ever in my life in ACS that I failed the English exam. Yeah, the English exam was set so difficult and marked so strictly that I actually failed it. The highest in my class being some guy of Indian-Eurasian descent and whose father was a senior lawyer. Naturally, he got the only C6 for English in class. Its ridiculous sometimes when I think about the way tests and exams are set so difficult and marked so strictly that a vast majority of the cohort fails miserably. What does this do? Does it spur the student to work harder? From my personal experience, it is far more discouraging to fail miserably in a subject you know you are good in, than to fail miserably in the subject that you suck in. F9 for chinese is A-OK. But E8 for English? That's unheard of!

Maybe these teachers hope that "concerned parents" will panick and start calling in "reinforcements" in the help of tution teachers. And they'll make a nice mockery of a show at the "meet the parents' session" with the ample quotes like, "You're son is smart, but lazy", "he is very talkative in class" (And I thought we wanted to foster class discussions????), or else it would be like, "I think you son better drop this subject and concentrate on the 5 main subjects if he is aiming for poly". Worst are those that offer no comfort but blame the student for everything. I can have the most knowledgeably teacher in physics in the school to lecture me. But if I don't understand him? What's the point right? And then theoretically, this is expoused by a brilliant ACSian to be a "social gamble that parents will panick and restrict the student's privileges and eek him to study more - when the student does well, the school claims the glory". While I won't really discuss this theorem in great deal. It does hold true to some extent. Maybe a deeper analysis next year... =)

I did really badly for my exams in the mid year. So bad to the extent that I thought I was really no good in my studies. The subjects that I loved - physics, was a C6. My Additional Mathematics was an F9. 28/100. My chemistry was nothing short of a disaster. Another E8. I did not even know a single drop of chemistry since secondary 3. To be honest, my teacher was really incompetant and I couldn't understand a single thing taught in class. Chemistry classes was like a power struggle of control between teacher and class. So naturally, not much could be learnt in the lessons that we had. My literature was in shambles. I got lowest in the level for Literature. I did so badly. Yet my Lit teacher didn't ask me to drop the subject. She told me to keep attending classes. "I don't want you to drop this subject, you're gifted at it!" (Talk about positive encouragement!). My history was a meagre C6. And I guess that would sum it up - I was a bad student!



At that time I really realised that if it was so difficult to even get below 20 points for my O levels. Its nowonder so many people made it to poly. And then a classmate exclaimed thought, "oh my goodness! then all these CJC students must be damn smart to get their 18 points man! And RJ students must be godly!". Well, my parents were really dissapointed by my results. But they didn't give up. I didn't give up. Actually I wanted to throw in the towel. Drop A-Maths. Trash Literature. Drop Chinese totally and focus on 5 subjects to enter polytechnic. My academic life was a mess. It was in shambles! It was very sad. Definitely a low point in my life. But because I was constantly surrounded by classmates who did as bad, or even worse than me. It did feel quite comforting in that sense.

I called her and told her in no plain words that "I'm doomed! I'm doomed! Cannot go anywhere already! I think I'll end up marinetime transportation or something like that in a condemned place in a condemned polytechnic!". And I told her plainly that "I don't think I can ever see you in school. And if I ever make it there, its going to be a miracle from God..." Its really true that words can cut like the sword or can heal like good medicine. At that time, more or less, she was still set to go for her post-secondary school studies at ACJC. So would plainly say that it was a goal to end up in that school. Probably the JC that many Barker guys would want to go to, but not many who could really make it there. A large number of my Barker friends are from the "not-so-good" classes. But they were the best company I could have in school. I didn't click well with all the A1 boys or even the A2 side with all their artificial cliches and "class spirit" that was weakly disguised as a form of borderline arrogance in looking down upon others who weren't as smart being able to make it into the "premier class". I mean, when none of the classrooms in the level have air-conditioning but the best class has four of them blasting cold air away for the whole day. It just smacks of plain hypocrisy in that sense. Like I said, I'm a person who can sense biasedness pretty easily.

There was only one reason why I wanted to go to ACJC. And that was because of her. I don't think I need to elaborate any further. Because, I think the rest of the story would be very different. In any case. I think anyone who reads this will understand what I mean and will be able to use their "predictive abilities" to infer...

So believe me. I studied like DOG for the remaining six months of my life in secondary school. I never worked so hard before in my whole life in secondary school. I worked harder than a dog through the shitty education system. What to do? Self-converted mugger on the basis of future opportunistic hope. I studied so hard I tell you. I worked my ass off every single night into the wee hours of the morning - 2, maybe 3a.m. I stopped going out and cooped myself up at home in a frantic bid to pick up my grades. I worked so hard like I have never before that I could sometimes see my hair drop onto the foolscap paper that I was writing upon! I think one deep source of encouragement was from her. Who often gave me encouragement, counsel and cheer when necessary in terms of being pushed, being relaxed and being pulled. It was very tough on my happy-go-lucky cheerful facade. I didn't know why I was doing it too, maybe its personal pressure, coupled with exam stress in the people around me, more lessons from all my tution teachers as well as pressure from my parents to perform. If you ask me why the singapore system of education is stressful. I simply tell you that it ideally creates the circumstances where people all around you exert tremendous pressure upon you to study in that dog's kennel of a life to perform for the exams.

We're the only country in the world where you can be a private tution teacher and have rich pickings from the profession. I had alot of tution teachers swamped upon me in those last 6 months. I didn't drop any subject even though I initially wanted to do so. And I prayed more and put more faith and trust in the Lord for my studies. And believe me, it wasn't easy. It was a massive struggle on all fronts... So I had a new chemistry tution teacher. A retired professor of chemistry from NUS. And he had to teach me the very basics of secondary 3 chemistry because I didn't even know what ionic bonding was! Not even the reactivity series. Not even the difference between mixtures and compounds! Not even a DROP of how to write the formula for Sulphuric Acid! I was THAT BAD. For my Additional Mathematics, I would practise. And practise. And Practise and practise and practise and practise. No choice. I had huge volumes of blank paper for which to practise upon. And I threw out copious stacks of used paper - all used to practise for my A-Maths topics. I had no idea that I could 'bring down the power for logarithms'. I had no idea that I could use negative dx over dy to compute the gradient of the normal of a point in a curve. I had no idea that vectors were really some arrows in different directions. Yes, I did so badly in my mid year that I didn't know any of that. But I presevered. And I studied, studied and studied. With alot of support from God Himself and definitely alot of comfort as well as reassurance from her. I started memorising vast chunks of data (memory capacity provided by endless chinese tution lessons) for every single topic except for the history of Japan and China - for which i read up, but didn't memorise. I attempted every single SAP school's past year prelim papers for History, I studied and memorised all the dates and the events and the timelines and the sequences as well as the effects of Hitler and his Nazi Germany. I worked so hard of history classes I tell you. It was hard to say, but I actually started passing up my assignments for once....

And as for Literature? My Literature teacher knew that I never read the textbook at all. So I'll always end up reading out loud to the class the part of Judge Hathorne in Arthur Miller's The Crucible. As it would be a live read through session of the text followed by great discussions during literature class. I could actually manage to get a read through of that great book and understand in a pinch what the whole story was about. My lit teacher was determined to instill in me a knowledge of the text, even if she knew that I had absolutely no time for which to study for it. She was a great teacher and I really thank her for letting me soak into the atmosphere of arty-fartyness while I was a mugger who'd read physics during her class. I became a chao mugger man for those six months. Never studied so hard in my whole life before.

I really worked so hard for those 6 months of my life. I studied so hard I tell you on my own energy as well as party due to all the pressure around me. My chinese tution lessons were doubled to twice a week and when I think about all the money spent on tution during those 6 months. Its more than enough to buy me my dream camera with a whole slew of professional glass and accessories. My dad wasn't doing very well at that time, but he strove on to give me whatever helped I needed. Whatever that was necessary. I worked I like a dog. Life a miserable existence of a student only comforted and cheered up by sunday services at church and simple conversations with her. I think in life, you've got to just set aside some time for the ones you truly care for. If not you'll just go mad I tell you.

So I took the prelims and put in whatever efforts I could have mustered during that 6 months after the mid year exam results and they really did show in my preliminary results. I still got my measly C6 in physics because I didn't have any tution for it. My history was still a disaster hanging at C6. My chinese was another disaster as I got F9 once again. And I worked really hard for it! I really really studied for it! Nothing's worst than to study so hard for a subject. To devote so much time to it and still get the worst grade in the book. I really studied so hard. So please do not tell me it was an "attitude problem" or that I was "plain lazy". I'll defnitely shoot down such reasonings because I had my attitude set that I must pass. And I spent at least 2 hours on chinese every single day. I really studied like a dog for that subject. So it was utterly crushing. Very dissapointing. And a very miserable feeling actually. If having double the number of tution lessons where I really studied and working on the language for 2 hours a day didn't help. Then I thought it really wasn't worth it to study for entry to JC anymore. I had already worked so hard. But I reaped nothing much in return. All these results came back to me on a monday. Half the prelim results actually. The other half would have to wait till another day.



So I called her up again and once again told her that I don't think I'll be able to to make it to JC. Much less ACJC. And I was really dissapointed and really really low in spirit at this point of time. Going to church actually seemed to have lost its meaning when all I could not leave all the troubles of the world at the doorstep into the sanctuary of the Lord. It really overburdned me and I lost my joy as well as happiness in both praise and worship. It was a really low time for me a 2nd round that year. I don't know how she does it, but conversations with her (I wasn't really allowed to go out at that time, since it was "nearing the exams") really cheered my spirit up. And I felt happy.

To digress a little. Doesn't all our student life revolve around "the exams are near". Its like from the first day of secondary school. We are reminded that the "Prelims are 9 months away". And its like "we must rush and finish the syllabus by July". I don't understand what's with all the rushing of the syllabus and the urgency that there is never enough time. Something's not right here if the MOE says that they are cutting down the syllabus, and yet teachers say they still need to rush for time. Worst is this never ending pepertual fear of the day the examinations will dawn upon them students. Its treated akin to the Black Death in the middle ages. As much as the MOE tries to "deregulate" the focus from being "too exam-oriented". I doubt the school and learning culture will ever change or adapt to a more laid back mindset.

A few days after the release of half the prelims results. The school released the rest of the papers, E-Maths, A-Maths, English and Chemistry. My goodness, I got the shock of my life early one Thursday morning when my form teacher came up to me before assembly (I normally stand at the back of class) and quietly told me that, "you have an A1 for your chemistry. One out of 7 in the whole level". I was really really happy then and there. Its like, all that tution with a really good tutor who manage to bring forth and strike alive once again my interest in Chemistry, as well as all the hard work I had put in over six months had finally come to something. That was not all. Later when my A-Maths teacher handed me back my exams script. She just stopped by my table, dropped off my paper and said. "I'm very proud of you, you must have worked very very hard for this". And I added up my grades. And I saw that it was 88/100. Amazing. F9 to A1 in Additional Mathematics in just six months! Talk about exceeding the pre-set mindset boundaries of achievement. Later on, I would go on to realise that I did worst for my E-maths than my A-Maths. And my English was "finally" vindicated" with an A2 grade. My L1R5 for prelims was in the region of 18 points. Not that great. But almost half of that which I got for the mid year exams. But my F9 for chinese prevented me from applying PAE. And it was really sad.

NEC later stated that all those whose L1R5 for prelims were below 20 points and didn't pass their 2nd language. He told us that all the grades would be moderated to a D7 just so that we could go to JC for the first three months. Isn't that wonderful? A principal who can actually be bothered about his students? I really respect NEC as a principal. He is really the best man to lead ACS Barker. His whole philosophy, vision and leadership with regards to education is far superior to the idealistic academic elitist mindsets of other principals in the galaxy. NEC is a really encouraging person, he told us about how 19 pointers can still get into ACJC. And the fact is that he expoused us to head to that JC as much as we could aim and do our best to enter it. I know he wanted many of us to finish out 12 years in the most nonsense college in the country. That's the whole purpose of ACS Barker - to take all that whole slew of rejects from our "brother school" that would be lost and wandering around in the wilderness and grant that an alternative route, with affiliation points and the Christian Philosophy of education of ACS back to that nonsensical college on Dover Road.

I still remember, that one fine night. I just kneeled down at my bedside. And I begged God to let me go to ACJC. That's the truth. I'm pretty much the half past six Christian that most people see in the world today. But at that point in time, I really begged God to let me go there. For reasons unknown to me, else by means of a vested interest in the future, or by other reasonings, logic and circumstances. Either way, I just wanted it so bad. I did promise to do something for God in return if He would be so gracious as to let me through those gates at 25 Dover Close East.

I worked really hard in the last 6 weeks to the run up for the O-levels. I probably studied harder during this time than at any other time in my student life. I finally uptook physics tution with a rather interesting tutor during this six weeks. I only had seven tution lessons with this particular tutor. However, he managed to explain many things that I didn't understand properly in a more clear and concise manner to me as well as aid me in thinking process for the various mathematical calculations. And then after those few lessons in physics. More chao mugging time for my History where I gobbled down the history of Japan and China and gambled with spotting questions for the History paper. As well as all the other "normal effort" and erm, the twice weekly chinese tution lessons as well. So that was it. Studied like a dog. More maybe like a mudskipper, since I was pretty much wallowing in mud all this time. And well, lots of encouragement and cheer from her as well. Its amazing how I could actually stay up till 3 in the morning to study. Those were the days. I really worked my ass off. Sigh... And then I took the O-level papers...

I still remember that the chinese paper one ended at 10a.m. And that paper 2 would be at 2p.m. What I did? I went to Orchard with a few other like minded friends, to a friend's uncle's cybercafe in one of the buildings and we played Counter-Strike beta 0.7 (I think!) for the next three hours. Gobbling down our lunch while fragging at the computer. And we left the cybercafe at around 1.40 p.m. Managed to hail a cab in time to be the last jokers entering the hall at 1.57p.m. I think not much else needs to be said about our mindset. We were so worn out by all the chinese from the already disastrous paper one. I felt that this chinese paper was doomed, even though I had worked so hard for it. And put in tremendous effort like never before into it. But it was just too difficult.



I applied to enter ACJC during the PAE. But I was outright rejected. I still remember trotting down on 17th December 2000 down to the Mezza9 floor where appeals would be entertained. I took form number 44 but never filled it up, because my Dad dissuaded me from doing so. I still have that appeal form in a personal file today. And it remains there as a testimony to the shitty means of appeal in any college in the country. And to think someone later told me, "form number four four ah? Die die lah!" I looked around the appeals process in the Mezza9 floor and it was just crap lah. I saw this joker coming up to a particular arty-farty teacher and saying.

"I want to appeal for entry to ACJC"
-What choice did you put ACJC on your PAE application form?
"Oh, I missed the PAE totally" (And then I laughed to myself)
-Oh, you missed it, eh? That's interesting (Yeah right!)
-So, tell me, how many points do you have
"I have 15 points"
-I think you'd better try your luck elsewhere as we are fully booked out and have no more places to accept people like you.

Later on, a two friends with 19 points from Barker would successfully appeal to enter ACJC. I threw off the whole appeal process and went to PJC for my first three months. My goodness! It was damn slack there! Everyday would be a time to eat at JEC (Jurong Entertainment Complex) or go to watch a show. I think I watched every single show in the cinema over th course of 2 weeks. It was nonsense, coupled with the fact that I had alot of slackers as classmates. This was the first time that I took computing as an A-level subject. And I bombed. I didn't even know anyting, I just "lost it" - as in all my previous ability with programming languages. I realised that studying like a rabid mad dog for the previous six months has caused all my skills to waste away. i could only enter "include #stdio.h" somewhere in the top line and some other random sequences like "var_init(x,y,z)" that would always register plenty of bugs and errors. And I knew IT, or computer engineering, or software programming was not for me anymore. It was a good 3 months. I had the chance to meet many other people from all walks of life and just talk to them. Its amazing what the white and blue uniform plus that shield gold badge can do in PJC. I walked into PJC on my first day and everyone in my OG wanted me to orientation leader. And I was like "so-off" to the whole thing since I had no committment to the school at all. It felt weird actually. I felt out of place when people started conversing in mandarin so well around me. The only comfort being with those Independent and a few other Barker people there. We formed our own little "white and blue secondary school cliche" and thank goodness due to some nonsense connections. The ACS and MGS cliches managed to click quite well in those nonsense first 3 months. It was great man. White and Blue! Red, Blue and Gold!

There was once, after a cross country meet at PJC, which of course I didn't run. It was held on our ACS Founder's Day. So me and another AC Barker friend snuck off the event but we were caught. Later the teacher who caught us asked us, "where are you two going". We said "school". He said. "Since when have you been so loyal to school?". And then I said, "NOT THIS SCHOOL. READ MY UNIFORM! LOOK AT MY BADGE! I AM AN ACS BOY AND I AM GOING BACK FOR MY SCHOOL'S FOUNDER'S DAY CELEBRATIONS!". And then me and my friend stormed off after that.

The teacher later shouted as we walked off, "give me your names and your classes, I'm reporting you to the principal!"
And I told him very plainly. "Tell principal lah! I'm getting out of this place very soon anyway!".

We went back to Barker and it was just great. Loved it, apparently a good number of Barker people from my batch in other schools like YJ, or SR or whatever also did the same and we all congregated around the canteen to watch the Founder's Day parade. Nostalgic I tell you. Finally appreciation something that we often had abhorred for 10 years - attending Founder's Day parade.

And then after Founder's Day. It was Results Day. My whole class was sitting in the hall. With parents of everyone seated at the back of the place. Earlier on, we had shook hands with each other, wishing everyone "all the best" and "hope you do well". That kind of thing. Word leaked out from various sources that my good friend since primary school, and the one who rammed me during chinese class over my pencil case had scored an incredible 7 points! So we were very happy for him. So he later went on to NJC and I eventually lost touch with him. Only bumping into him at where else - Burger King Holland Village during my JC2 days! He would have come to ACJC - just that it didn't offer him the combination he wanted. Oh well. We win some, we lose some.

My results slip was the last to be handed out. The very last. I thought that I was doomed since I was the last to have my results slip. My classmates who received theirs started leaping for joy, or dissapointment. "Oh shit! Only 18 points! Die lah!", "Alright man! I got 14 points! NGEE ANN here I come!!!!" and I think there was one classmate who got 11 points and we started chanting "ACJC! ACJC!" around him. Then finally before my teacher handed over my results slip. He held it back for a while. Smiled at me. And handed it over. My goodness! I scored distinctions for all my subjects both A1s and A2s. Even an "A" for being "Absent" from the literature examination that I dropped one day before the paper commenced. In terms of results. My C6 subject - History had become an amazing A1. I was shocked! My history teacher just smiled at me. And after 7 simple lessons in physics with my tutor. My C6 grade became an A2. Amazing. While I have to admit that I'm not a really smart person, it was just overwhelming seeing all my hard work finally come to pass.

"He who sows in tears, shall reap in joy"

And at the bottom of my exam slip was, "Chinese Language.... F9" and "Chinese Language (Aural/Oral).... Ungraded". And my mum and I was very saddened. Nevertheless, I did really well in Barker. After all that rabid madness of studying like a dog for those 6 months. It paid off pretty well. And due to certain special considerations I could still apply to JC entry on a provisional basis, given that I retook my chinese langauge exam and passed my chinese during the first year. I went to church after that to give thanks to God. I called her up and told her. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I'll get into ACJC after all...".

When the JAE results came out. I managed to get in ACJC. And I really thanked God. By the skin of my teeth. After deducting affliation and others, I had just enough to make the scrape into the science stream. And I was a joker who applied to do F-Maths as well as Economics at the same time. I didn't know it at first, but it is arguably the most difficult combination to study for. Even harder than triple science. Because there is a balance between the extreme of the sciences as well as an extreme of the Arts. In F-Maths, one writes alot of mathematical equations. In economics, its plenty of arguments and predictive theorems.

The day I got my posting results. I was really really overjoyed. I checked my posting results at about 9.50 in the morning? About 10 minutes before the "official release of the results". Ah I was so happy I made the trip down to Bibi and Baba in Shaw towers to buy the double pocket version of the White and Blue. Pants not so baggy anymore. I was seriously damn happy. Its like a dream come true. After all that sheer hard work. That saw my miserable grades come up to a respectable and decent set. It was amazing. Definitely a miracle from God.

I still remember my first day of the 2nd intake in school. I sat in the legendary void deck in the morning. And jus watched the world pass me boy. One by one, more Barker guys sat at my table (I was the first). And it was just a great "homecoming" of sorts to see more familiar faces in the most nonsensical college in the country. Assembly was really funny as the principal kept going, "I dunch want you to skip classes". "I dunch allow bad behavior in my cowage". All her "dunch"... Argh...

The orientation for the 2nd intake was nonsense lah. According to my cousin, "L-E double N" gives the same speech every year starting with the words "One N for Nice, One N for nasty". L-E double N was the "bad boy" during the Great Wan's time. It was so called, "One good, One Bad, to bring balance the the Force". And I remembered clearly about L-E double N talking about his one son and one daughter whom only studied one hour a day in ACJC and didn't have tution and that they could pass their chinese. "F9 become C6, nine turn upside down become six". Other than that, the 2nd intake orientation was nonsense lah. I only learnt 1/3 the dance steps to US3's Cantaloop. And I forgot who my dance partner was. Yes I really forgot! It was like almost nonexistent. Thank God that I already know alot of people in school, and managed to be "reunited" with all the good ol' friends that I went to ACS Independent. As they say, "You know in orientation right? This is the hall. One side is ACS. The other side is MGS. And then here is the rest of the school...". It was pretty true to a certain extent...

My 2nd take in ACJC. I was called up during assembly to "go register for my chinese language paper". This is when I met L-Squared at the bleaches, while we were shading in our ovals on the application form for the O level chinese examination. After this, it was back to orientation. At this time, the Void Deck was really the Canteen (Now Old Canteen) and the stores were in the Void Deck itself while the New Canteen was under renovation. "Go to void deck and eat tau pok!" The tau pok was good. What was sweeter was to sit at one end of the Void Deck, with the hot sun shining at you and for once, indulging in "proper conversation" with girls in the most nonsensical college in the country.

Later on, it would be supplementary lectures. Which I feel asleep in. As usual, I set in the last row. Believe me, I got blacklisted on the first day of supplementary lectures by a crazed physics teacher for sleeping in class! And she was talking about V = U + aT. And I had people around me who were discussion what time we could zao school. And go to where else for lunch? Burger King! I felt that I was really living up to the school's reputation as a "playin' cowage".

One of my teachers in Barker warned me once in 2000. "When you go to ACJC, you'll find that its not longer what it used to be as far as you've heard about it. The focus there now is on academics and studying. So you might not find the environment very nice actually. And you'll tend to prefer the AC Spirit over here at Barker..."

He was right on every account. In Barker, we would cheer like crazy when there was a badminton clash with our brother school. Yet at the end of the day, both sides would sing "ACS Forever" in unison from opposite sides of the sports hall. In ACJC however, at our badminton finals, everyone was just walking out of the place. Couldn't even be bothered to cheer in any case. My goodness! Like "no ACS Spirit like that...". And yes, it really was a mugging place as well! Endless lectures, tutorials with never ending piles of work. As well as a generally more artificial environment. While girls are the moderating factor in some instances. Most of the time I felt that there was alot of backstabbing as well as politics in school. Being a person who doesn't really indugle in politics, yet however, having the opportunity to know many things. It was quite saddening as people tended to stream out from AGMs at clubs, societies, sports CCAs or even House meetings disgruntled. And I would often come across barbed comments on the various committees of CCAs in school. Even the student's council. It was definitely very interesting, yet saddening. Almost like a good reflection what it is like in the business world today.

Due to the fact that I had to first clear my O-level chinese grades. I did not attend the usual slew of AO-Chinese classes in JC. L-Squared and I would have special lessons with our Lao Shi almost tution style. Our choice of venue was never fixed. Lao Shi often asked us to wait for her in the area above the Lobby while she would go and check out to see if any classes in the Cold Corridor was available. Sometimes we had lessons in the TSIR (Teacher-Student Interaction Room). Other times it would be in the Arts Classes. Yet a few times we had lessons in the New Canteen. Lao Shi's a really really good teacher. I enjoyed my lessons with her tremendously. She has to ability to build a great rapport with her students. In fact, I think she is much well loved that even former students invite her for their wedding dinners. L-Squared and I are so used to calling lao shi as "Lao Shi" that for one of her former students. The wedding reception list indicated her name as "Lao Shi". She's funny and classes with Lao Shi were often uninhibited and very fun. Compare this to the sullen faces of my classmates with a real stiffling chinese teacher for their A0-Chinese classes.



Lao Shi is a person full of encouragement. Full of praise. She never gave up on me even though she knows that my standard of written and spoken chinese is poor. In class time, conversations would something like, "Eh Lao Shi Ah! Ze Ge se mo di long hidden hu with zhang ziyi zai li mien is damn power one hor!" Actually I was trying to say that "This show called Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon starring Zhang Ziyi in It is really nice to watch". My ever so broken chinese language mixed with english was often the cause of much laughter during class. Lao Shi was fantastic. She taught us to read slowly, taught us to go through chinese newspaper articles as well as sharing sweets with her during class time. "Lao Shi zi yao tang mah?" Once we had our lesson in the New Canteen. And all the other teachers having breakfast kept looking at our table, wondering why two students was droning on about some part of chinese history starring Mr C.N Yang to a teacher drinking coffee. Where can you find such a teacher. I practically LOVED chinese classes! It was so enjoyable. And yes, I really did study and put effort into my studies! I worked very hard. And I still had tution!!!!!! Two tutors! Have you heard of a JC1 boy who needs tution in O-level Chinese? That would be me. I had one tutor who taught me the Zuo Wen. The other taught me to handle the other component of the 2nd Language paper as well as Oral.

One reason why I did badly for my O-level Chinese Exams was partly due to the Oral. My grade for Oral, which probably accounted for at least 10 to 20% of the overal grade was already an Ungraded. And the fact is that this ungraded grade follows me throughout the year. So it did matter that I had to do substantially well for my chinese paper in december such that with the Oral grades tabulated in such that it would drag down my overal score. I must still be able to pass. And that's after moderation! Of course, don't expect any surprises one One Chinese Oral Tester is from Raffles Institution and the other one from DUH Chinese High School. And one of them is the Head of Department for The Chinese Language. When you test a bunch of ACS Barker Boys. They're finished! As good as sitting dead ducks! When there is a whole string o "Ungraded" for orals in my class. That's really really sad. The only exception being a foreign talent from Taiwan who managed a distinction in the Oral. I don't expect to do well AT ALL when I know that my oral invigilator "one is fro ri, the other from chinese high". It is an utter morale destroyer. A hope shredder. A faith killer.

Let me elaborate. My class, during the English O-level oral was tested by two sets of invigilators. Due to our brilliant intelligence on the part of secondary 4 students. We knew that one table was invigilators was from RGS. And the other set of invigilators was from MGS. My class was divided up into two. Odd register numbers to MGS and even register numbers to RGS. And those who went over to the RGS side, none of them got an A1 in the English Language. However, those that had MGS invigilators statistically showed a number of A1 grades for the English language at O-level. This to me, is plain proof that your oral results do count a great deal as well as which school invigilates you. Its quite obvious that for those tested by the RGS side, only a tiny handful o them got distinctions in their English Oral. And that on the MGS side, they were certainly more generous in awarding distinction grades for Oral.

By virtue of the mathematical theorem of the law of averages. The standard that an RGS teacher considers "average" or "good" in RGS would most probably be significantly higher than the "average" or "good" that a teacher in a normal not-so-stellar school would define it as. Food for thought. Social theorem or basic mathematical statistical hypothesis. You think about it. I'm convinced that whichever school gets RGS/RI/Duh CHS teachers for their orals. There's only one malay word. "Mambos" (Die already) or even better: "Abase" (Finished!). Its like being Shankar Aiyah in court. All those clown tricks aren't going to work, aren't going to help. You're simply finished! Do you know how I knew that my English Oral invigilator was an MGS teacher? Very simple, because she introduced this particular teacher to me as her wonderful english teacher at an MGS open house that she asked me to "come join in the fun". So that's how I know.

Class time with Lao Shi was simply great. There was once, I told Lao Shi, "Eh Lao Shi ah, this er breadtalk ah, hua yi shi mian bao jiang hua right?". She laughed and laughed at me! "Mian Bao Jiang Hua! Hahahahahaha!". That was so fun. And even on teacher's day, Lao Shi came decked in her ACJC girls' uniform. It was like "woah! Lao Shi! If I didn't look closely I think you're one of the girls' in school already!" I thoroughly enjoyed my lessons with her. Certainly fun with learning at the same time. Not like the Funky Chinaman's class. Which was pure madness. I invited Lao Shi to my house for my 18th birthday. And Lao Shi really did come and I gave her the first slice of cake! One of the things about Lao Shi is that L-Squared and I like to critique her dressing. Not as though we're fashion experts. But just for fun. In particular, Lao Shi had this shirt that had thick red horizontal stripes. So we called that "Na Ge Striped Shirt". And everytime we saw Lao Shi wear that in school, I'd go, "Wah Lao Shi! You're wearing the Striped Shirt!". And we'd laugh heartily together. No prizes for guessing what Lao Shi wore to my b'day celebrations. That red striped shirt. I really enjoyed my lessons with Lao Shi. And believe me, I really studied for my Ting Xie this time round. I didn't cheat! Ok! Even if I wanted to, I can't because there are only 2 people in each special chinese class catered for O-level chinese failures like me.



As I came in during the 2nd intake. The May paper would be due 8 weeks after my entry in ACJC. I was happy. I had built a great rapport with my Lao Shi in just over a month and it was far better to any other working relationship with any other chinese teacher I had in my 11 years in the white and blue. I really studied doggedly for my O-level chinese exam. I retook it to the best of my ability. I went for the Oral and Aural exam and this time round. I actually passed! This is how much Lao Shi helped. In the sense that even though I could not write very well, she chose to focus on my usage of speech and reading of the Chinese Language rather than to bog me down with endless memorisations. It was fun. Can you believe it? An ACS Boy telling the world that chinese classes with Lao Shi was FUN?

I really studied very very hard for the O-level retake of the chinese paper. Not only did I want to stay in ACJC. At the same time, I wanted to make Lao Shi proud of me. I might not be a great student. But I believed I could do it. And yes, once again, with plenty of upcheer as well as comfort and counsel from her. Beautiful her would be taking the same paper with me. She was finally in secondary 4. I came out the exam and told her, "Oh I found it easy!" and she told me that it was "rather difficult". My standard is just to achieve a D7. Her's was to at least gain an A2. And when the results came out in August?

Well I was sorely dissapointed! I got an E8. This proves one thing. I really really really did work very hard for the previous one and a half years. I really really studied very very hard for the chinese language paper. It was no longer a question of "having an attitude problem" or "not having the right mindset" or "being lazy". For an F9 grade. My real score can span anything form 40 to zero marks. For an E8, however. That means I must have had at least scored a 41 or maybe 44 marks for my overall. So basically missed it by a few marks only? ONLY A FEW MARKS? It was so frustrating. And it was very saddening. At long last I put in so much effort. And yet nothing is rewarded once again except a scant scrape of no real victory over the language. She did really well for her chinese paper, this chinese paper that we took together. Yet she never stopped encouraging me. L-Squared got his D7 and was transported back to the AO-chinese classes.

Lao Shi also asked me to attemp the AO-Chinese paper. Just to do whatever I can do. "Better to try and fail. Than to never try at all". So true. So I went into the exam hall. Paper one - Composition killed me. I couldn't even understand the topic! Much less write those 400 or so chinese characters. I could only fill up half the page. I can't even write a narrative chinese compostion. What more an argumentative version. I went in for the Listening comprehension. And I thought that all the answers in the multiple choice box was equal, similar and the same. I went for the Oral. And I didn't even understand the topic the invigilator spoke to me about. I had absolutely no idea at all. And I went in for paper 2. And I just died. I couldn't even do a single question at all. It was just TOO DIFFICULT. No prizes for guessing my grades - F9. I can't believe how people can even remotely get A1 for such a difficult paper unless you're chinese is really power. Or you're a china scholar.

L-Squared had been struggling miserably in the normal AO-chinese classes. And after he got his F9 for his AO paper. He too, joined back our special chinese class with Lao Shi once again. I'm sure he breathed so much easier being in Lao Shi's class rather than the other chinese teacher that taught the rest of my class.

After I got my E8 for the O-level paper. It was really discouraging. Very sad indeed. Lao Shi then told me that I would study for the O-level CL-B exam in November. And that my Oral Exam was 2 weeks away. Guess where the Oral Exam for the CL-B syllabus was held at?

ACS Barker!

I went there. Familiar with all the surroundings. Met my juniors who laughed at me and said that "I can't believe got ACJC people here to take Oral". Of course, only jokingly. I think Barker had the most number of CL-B candidates. Henceforth the MOE decided to use the campus as the main testing center. And it felt like I was back at O-level Oral examinations again. 104 Juniors in secondary four doing CL-B. 104 out of 230. The numbers speak for themselves. Every one of them desiring to enter JC. If not why even bother to study for the subject since its not required at polytechnic.

One of my juniors came up to me that day. And told me, "I tell you lah, there will be no CL-B if the ministers' son don't struggle with the language lah. All this is to help the ministers' son get into JC as well. I heard one fella got eight A ones and E eight for chinese. Then kena go poly. That sucks right?". Oh well. I guess it really did take a man 40 years to realise what most ACS boys already know in primary one. The bilingual policy is a failure. Come to think of it. Unless one is Joseph Tan. I guess even Winston Chin could not get A1s for both English Language and Higher Chinese. So that's pretty comforting as well. =)

In my eyes. The bilingual policy is just a tripping stone for many people. I'm sure it works both ways for those guys who do really well for the rest of their subjects, but are stuck with a D7 or E8 for English. I had one classmate who had an E8 for English, but an A2 (I think) for Higher Chinese. He too had to do what I did, retake his English O-level paper. So it defnitely works both ways. Not every person out there is linguistically gifted. Not every person out there has the ability to master two languages fluently. Why can't those blockheads at the helm of the civil service understand as such?

I went into the Barker Hall for my Oral. And I was thoroughly relieved that I could real almost every single word in the passage for the first time in my whole life! And the fact is that they actually provided a hanyu pinyin next to a particular chinese character that I had never seen before. L-Square concluded to me that "CL-B is the equivalent of Primary Four Higher Chinese". It was pretty much spot on as reading the CL-B textbook was at long last "readable" and the workbook was at long last "do-able". And I could FINALLY understand what was being taught in class. FINALLY. CL-B classes with Lao Shi was great. She had ability to stoke my constant interest. As well for the fact that lessons always had a twist or other to it. And I really enjoyed myself. I studied for my CL-B. And I studied hard. Very hard indeed. And at long last, I finally found some joy in reading, writing and speaking the language. After almost 11 whole years.

Let's take the story back in time a little bit. I did not do well for my mid year exams in ACJC. I was playing like crazy as far as all the other subjects were concerned. Economics lectures were a complete disaster! When the lecturer picks out a guy in the center of the LT reading "Her World". You really wonder what is she focusing on in her lesson. Looking out for "inappropriate behavior" or really teaching. Let's not go to Econs tutorials. They were massive failures on all fronts. I had to hire an economics tution teacher to help me. And that didnt' work either. If there's one subject for which I NEVER EVER passed a single test, a single exam a single assignment even. It would be economics. I could not even pass a basic essay question on SUPPLY AND DEMAND. The most fundamental topic of all!

Physics lectures. Oh my goodness. My lecture cohort had a pretty demotivated lecturer who was more concerned with looking out for students sending sms messages on their handphones than in teaching. Its like, her voice just dragged on and on and droned in constant tiredness. And no problem skipping her lecture too. Its so boring and attendance is not taken anyway. I remember times where I would sit in the Void Deck on tuesdays after recess. And watch the Void deck with the exception of me and a few other jokers become practically empty. And while the rest suffered in physics lectures. We talked about "life". Hahahahaha!



Further Maths lectures were pretty much ok. Just that I had one tutor who tended to really rush through very quickly. My goodness, she could solve solutions way faster than we could copy them. And very often we had to ask her to keep the transparencies on the projector just so that we could copy that last line. F-Maths lectures were frantic note copying sessions. Yet the passing tube of mentos made it slightly more platable. For my tutorials. I had a seriously demented mathes tutor. But he's cool. When his son was in ACJC and wanted to skip school. He simply drove his son out of school. Sometimes, he'd spend one and half hours drawing a diagram animating the falling of dominoes. Just to explain the properties of "mathematicial induction". Yeah, he's the only teacher I know who cleans of mistakes on his transparencies thoroughly. So when he drew those diminoes. You could bet on your last dollar that they all looked exactly alike. And once in a while, he'd just snap and start shouting and scolding people for no reason at all. The most memorable one was when he was talking about (I think) vectors. And suddenly pointed and shouted at one guy.

"If I gun now I would SHOOT YOU!!!!!!!!"

That really startled us all in the LT. My first lecture with this particular teacher was quite memorable. It was like my FIRST F Maths lecture in LT 5 and my FIRST F-Maths lecture in the history of my life in the nonsense college. I dropped my pen and it rolled underneath the chair of a girl sitting in front of me. This girl sitting in front of me was really beautiful. To me, I would put her in my own personal list of "Top Ten Girls in ACJC" 2 years down the road. Very beautiful girl (In my own opinion). So I tapped her shoulder and asked her if she could help me retrieve my pen. I was seated in the center at row number 4. She was at row number 3. This lecturer looked up. Smiled at me. And said through the microphone:

"Eh! What is this young man! Don't drop drop your pen ask pretty girl to pick and then later ask her for her phone number!" And the whole LT laughed at me! What an experience! I was like "Oh my goodness! I just dropped my pen only!" So this beautiful girl picked up my pen for me. Turned around, gave a real dry face and snapped my pen back on my lecture fold out table with a resounding "clack". I never said a word to her ever again. Until almost 14 months later (Yes, I know, because it was first day of term three!).

My results for the mid year were really bad. I got E F F F. Wow. I I knew that those guys who scored Four F grades as well as failed their chinese and GP were called up to be lectured. I had a classmate who came over to my house and told my mum, "Eh Aunty! Alwyn got EFFF is quite good already you know! I got six F's!". So my mum thought that I was "quite hard working thereafter". Hahahaha!

I didn't do well for the mid year exams for one reason and that was because I had a severe bout of dengue fever during the studying month of June. I was warded in hospital and remained out of action for 3 weeks or so. Believe me. Drips do hurt. They are painful devices when they enter your hand. And when they are removed. I was really really weak during that time. The doctors had told me that my digestive system had shut down due to my very high temperature (42 degrees). And that whatever food I ate was actually rotting in my stomach. That's why I never felt hungry when in reality my body was absolutely famished. Drinking water would incite me to puke blood. Please do not ever have to vomit your own blood. It's a miserable feeling.

The next few months were just a blur. A plain blur. Those months passed by very quickly and I cannot remember them very well. However, due to some very sad circumstances regarding me and her. I knew that we can never be anything except distant friends before the year was out. And I was very very sad. I fell into depression. It's like my happy sunshine world just collapsed one day. I can take academic failures, I can take being severely ill. I can take being cold and alone and tired. But even a person like me, who doesn't have much feelings as compared to most other people, cannot take the pain, the sadness and the ensuing depression as well as inner reflecting that happens when someone very close to me finally had to take a very different route in life. Before the year was out. It was no other than her. One of those persons an uncaring person like me really did care and feel greatly for. And due to circumstances which I can't say much off. Except that her friend didn't like weirdoes like me and that life in general tends to be quite a tad bit unfair sometimes, as well as severely limiting circumstances. We had no choice except to part to our separate ways. So I do know the pain that people feel, when they have to go separate ways in whatever cirumstances. The thing is that I tend to be on the cold and uncaring side as well as can't-be-bothered on most fronts. And the fact is that, if I can feel such deep sadness. Then I do not know about other people.



I fell into depression. It was quite severe. The kind that is nearing the border of suicide and all kinds of raving demented thoughts. Yet, due to the artificiality of the school environment. I masked my feelings as well as my pain and sadness very very well. Outwardly, I would be a crazy, fun-loving person who still smiled. But inwardly, I was crushed. Collapsing inside like a deflated bellow. So if you want to talk about artificiality, acting or simple plain wayang. I guess I know what its like, since I've been there, done that. And know how it feels like. I could still joke and make my classmates laugh over jokes about "circular motion" as well as "shoeshine politics" and others. However, I had to undergo some serious counselling sessions. For which I joked over when my classmates knew about it. No kidding. They'll probably read about this. But I guess its high time they knew that all my so called "counselling sessions" was indeed to help me tide over this really sad dark period of my life in depression. And I was referred to some consultant psychiatrist at the National University of Singapore as a referencing index. I took my set of psychiatric tests as well as tests for emotional disorders and came out scoring extremely high for the schizoprenic as well as schizoid type of personality. That probably explains my sudden bursts of silly laughter and energy at times. While I am really sad inside. That's why this blog is called "rambling thoughts of the demented". Because for a period of tiem in my life. I almost went crazy. I was at the breaking point. The only person I found my comfort in, was God Almightly Himself. I really had to cast all my cares upon Him. As well as just ask that "The Joy of the Lord is my Strength". My depression eventually waned out. "Completing" its viral run on my emotions only in March the following year.

I'm not afraid of saying this. Because its been so long already. More than 3 years? And its good to be honest in life. And I chose to share it, because if I person like me who can appear to happy outwardly can be so sad inside. Sometimes I just need to look at people, and wonder if they were like me once before. I read some deep research on depression later on and realised that a large number of people do suffer from it. One way or another. That tinge of sadness or "exam blues" as we call it, is also a mild form of depression. So yes, I believe it has affected everyone I know one way or another. One time or other.

With regards to my promotional exams in ACJC. I didn't do well either. I did study. But I did not get the 2 A's and 2 AO grade passes to be promoted to JC2. And it was obvious that I did not meet the CCDE minimum criterion to upkeep four subjects. And so I dropped Economics in favor of Further Mathematics. I know its absolutely crazy a combination. But I didn't care anymore. I had never passed a single economics test/exam or assignment. At least for F-Maths, i managed a respectable O. And some Vietnamese scholar who is now at one of the Ivy League universities on the East Side had double my score. My goodness! What are they doing here? Go to a school for the gifted!

What happened was that I got "Advanced". Meaning that I would have to retake my promotional exams in January. That means my whole holidays was ruined! I have to study throughout the months of November and December. So that sucked. If I failed those exams. I would be retained. If I passed them, on to JC2. What was worse was that up till that time. I had never even passed my chinese O-level exams as of yet. So my place in ACJC was provisional. Oh how I disliked that word. I was tired. Academically worn out. Not even sure of my status in ACJC and very tired. And still suffering from depression.



After those disastrous promotional results. I still had to study for my Chinese CL-B final examination in mid-november. I remember the date very clearly - 13th November 2001. Because the Christian Fellowship camp that my form teacher asked me to sign up started on the 12th. I missed the whole first day of the CF camp because I was at home revising for my final examination. Initially I thought that I might want to head down for the camp first. And later come out early in the morning the next day for my exam. A very good Christian brother friend in ACJC dissuaded me from doing so. Telling me that "God wants you to do to the best of your abilities as a student. And you can't honor God as a student if you do not do well in your studies". So I was at home. Studying like crazy one final time before the paper the next day would decide my destiny - staying in ACJC. Or getting kicked out in March next year.

I took the CL-B exam the next day. Managed to finish the entire paper in 15 minutes. And I spent the next 45 minutes just waiting. Checking. Revising. Praying. And asking God for help and guidance. I remember now so clearly that I never honored that particular promise that I made to God if He would let me into ACJC. I told God that I was so sorry that I got sucked up into the activities of the world and had neglected Him altogether. He could still have me kicked out of ACJC, because I still had not honored my end of the bargain! Sitting in my face: Advanced to JC2. Which meant that I could be retained or promoted in January. And my provisional status in ACJC. Which meant that I could be kicked out anytime if I didn't pass my chinese exam. This final chinese exam.

I finished the paper. Walked out of the Sports Medicine Room where the exam was being held. And then went home to pack my things for the camp. I didn't know how to get to the campsite in Sentosa. So Aunty Ros picked me up from Holland Village and drove me all the way there. Constantly encouraging me along the journey that "He has your future in His hands". I reached the campsite at about 2.30p.m and all the groups were playing games. I instantly joined the group with my particular friend who had given me advise about not attending the first day of camp in favor of the exam. And it was great. For once, I did feel free. I did feel like a heavy burden had been lifted off my shoulders and that I actually enjoyed all the games that day. I was lost in the joy of the moment, even though technically speaking, I still had my regression of depression even at this point of time. I didn't miss much from the first day. Some kind soul had copied all the sermon notes as well as references for me. And I still have that file from the CF camp with me today. I really lost alot of my faith in JC1. I lost my focus on God and I just plain, well, felt that I had not honored Him the way He deserves to be honored.

The CF camp was great. We had games, all sorts of activities. Quiet Time, time for sharing on testimonies as well as time for the study of the Word of God. I felt happy. I came with an empty heart and and empty stomach. And was filled during those days. I have to admit that my focus was still no good during those days of the camp. Until the last night. When a very good friend, Matt. Literally DRAGGED me out of where I was standing. And PUSHED me to the front to be prayed for my Rev. Charles. And then I had an incredible encounter with the Lord. And let me remind you, I'm a half past six, crappy Christian by most people's standards. And that night I had a real encounter with God like I never had before. It was just absolutely wonderful. Those who were at the camp will know. But I shall not elaborate any further. It was like, being back in the Arms of the Father, for whom I had wandered away for so long. And I was filled with a deep sense of joy after that.

I was really blessed by the camp. While I do not have any pictures or photos. And what have are only strong memories. They are certainly memories that I will treasure for a long long time. That night, I didn't sleep till 4 in the morning. And the next day in ACS custom. I got my nine person Tau Pok. Yes, nine persons stacked on top of me. And its amazing how my voice from nice and clear became hoarse, rough and painful to speak after being nearly flattened by the combined mass for 9 ACS boys. After that, camp ended. And everyone went their separate ways. I went home at the end of the CF camp a very very very happy person.

I renewed my committment and dedication to God, as well as dumped all the activities in my life in school in favour of spending time with Him. I joined the Christian Fellowship, I helped out as far as I could and definitely grew spiritually during my 2nd year in ACJC. Morning worship at the bleaches. And everyone coming into school else wondering what we were doing. Morning prayer behind the stage in the hall as well as CF meetings on fridays in LT3. I really enjoyed it. I found my joy restored in the Lord. Yet all this while I know for sure that none of my classmates knew about my activities and involvement with the CF. I think they would have found it very difficult to accept a person like me who wanted to devote more time to God, and yet, did not show much external change on the outside. Its true. My character was just not up to par. My testimony as an open book person was just disastrous. So I really didn't know what to do except to gradually tone down on my personality. And I didn't do much more than that. =(

The only time where I believe, my class saw me doing something remotely connected with the CF was on religious emphasis day. It would be a day where there would be a pastor who would preach about the message of salvation and make an open call to the whole school asking who wanted Jesus to be their Lord and Savior and wanted to give their hearts to Him. I helped out in the JC2 section by handing out response slips. And I know my testimony in front of many others just didn't stand up to the scrutiny of the unforgiving ACJC politicking machinery. And I could sense all the deep rooted biasedness around me when I was asking who wanted a response slip as well as collecting whatever response slips there were. I don't think we recorded many salvations that day. But I do know for a certain that a classmate gave her heart to the Lord. Because her response form was at the top of the stack that I had collected.



One thing about morning prayer meetings behind the stage was that after those short prayer meetings, lasting about 20 minutes ended. I could make my way up the staircase at LT1 and have a VERY good opportunity to see her. My secret JC crush.

With her boyfriend next to her.... Talk about sad irony!

Nevertheless. I guess her beauty does captivate me in some sense or other. But let's not go there. Its been so long already.

I had the opportunity to attend a combined meeting of Christian Leaders in Methodist Schools at the Third Place in early of January 2002. Apparently no one from ACJC wanted to go, so Aunty Ros didn't mind sending me on behalf of ACJC. I went there with another ACJC girl as well as a few other people that I can't really remember now. Being in ACJC, and surrounded by secondary 4 students from the various methodists schools automatically made me the "big kor kor" in the place. So I was group leader during that short camp at the Third Place and I really loved it. Those were the days when the main speakers in that church had not yet been installed on the first day of the camp. And it was wonderful. I didn't have much to share since I had been more or less a crappy Christian most of my life. And its really in a sense, quite daunting to see people much younger than me who are totally sold out for God. They are far more committed, far more dedicated and far more concerned with the Cause of the Kingdom than I can ever imagine seeing myself to be. That was like wake up call in a sense to me. And yes I really enjoyed my short camp there as well. I remember the worship sessions being so deep, so honest that you could just feel the presence of the Lord descend on the place. Almost like being in a heavy thunderstorm.

The only advice I could give to all this young leaders at the camp was very simple. "Don't get into relationships at this age. It's not worth it". Its very bitter-sweet I guess. I just shared with them that I felt that at this age, one is just not ready yet for all the emotional as well as spiritual committments that a relationship entails and that it might be distracting or else take one's focus off God. And I really respect them. I'm not very sure, but I'll know soon if a good number of them made to ACJC eventually. =)

This was after my probational examinations. I took off in November to visit my grandparents in New Zealand. And spent about 6 weeks over there. That is basically the whole duration of the end of year school holidays. I toured the beautiful country of New Zealand in all her natural beauty. A pity though that I had not taken up photography then. All my pictures came out like crap. So it was really wasted. I spent the rest of the time in my grandparents' place studying. Studying very hard for my subjects. I only had to work for two subjects - physics and mathematics. And I did whatever I could in my own knowledge to prepare for the probational exams.

The probationals were easy. I remember sitting in a badminton hall with at least a hundred over other people who were advanced just like me. Eight from my class alone. And I did clear my probationals with relatively good grades of ABC. As opposed to my promotional grades of FOOD. So I thanked God for being allowed to be promoted to JC2. Lessons with Lao Shi continued. This time, we assumed that I was going to pass my CL-B chinese exam held in november the previous year and now our focus was on the A-Level CL-B examination syllabus. We were special. It had not yet been offered in ACJC except to 5 persons in the school. All whom had failed chinese at O-level.

I'm not very sure when I got my results for the CL-B exam. I think it was around March, when the normal O-level results were released. I was so nervous that day. Because I knew that if I had failed. That would be my last day in school. My parents had already made arrangements with a private school to accept me as an A-level candidate should things go awry. I begged Lao Shi to let me know whether I passed or failed. Lao Shi only told me that I could know the results at 2p.m. So I waited. The longest hours of my life that year. I didn't eat lunch - lost appetite. Didn't talk much from my usual talkative demeanour and was lost in a world of my own. This time, with no her for comfort. Because she had already been accepted to a top university Down Under and was pursuing her studies there.

I waited for Lao Shi at that area above the Lobby at 2p.m. Lao Shi appeared and dragged me into the staff room where she flipped out a folder with my results. It showed:

Chinese Language B......................MERIT
Chinese Language B (Aural/Oral).........Distinction

I got a merit for my paper! That's the highest pass possible given the three "grades" : Fail/Pass/Merit. I was really happy and overjoyed! I called up my parents to tell the the good news and have them call off all the arrangements with the private school.



At long last. I was no longer a provisional student of ACJC. I was finally an official student of the Red, Blue and GOLD. I was very happy and thanked the Lord as well as went out to celebrate with the rest of my CL-B coursemates. All of whom, had cleared and passed the examination. I thanked Lao Shi for her help and dedication. And Lao Shi just smiled and said to me, "Its your hard work! Shi Ni Nu Li Yong Gong Du Shu de!". At long last. Some REAL praise from a chinese teacher. Tremendously moving as well as encouraging. I was damn happy for the rest of the day. It was a wednesday, school ended early, and so I went out to celebrate in Orchard Road!

Later on, after the first wave of failures in the AO-level chinese paper "emerged" after the results were relased in August. Suddenly, there was a boom in CL-B classes. Yet at the end of the day. My AO-Level CL-B lessons would always be three persons. Lao-Shi, L-Squared and I. And there would be many many more happy memories for my results. Just for the record: I passed my CL-B at AO-level when the results were released on March the 6th last year. So that qualified me entry to at least a Local University.

Today I hold an A-level certifcate. Most people in the country who have attended JC have an A-level certificate. My A-level grades aren't stellar. They aren't exactly superbly fantastic. They are however, decent enough to gain entry to a course in NTU - Accountancy. The fact is that, if not for all that preserverance. All that hard mental battles against the system based on a flawed bilingual policy. All that tears, all that blood shed. All that hard work. Make that VERY hard work. As well as a constant encouragement from her and a God who is faithful to me, even when I am unfaithful towards Him. Aunty Ros once said to me that my "place in ACJC is a miracle from the Lord". and its pretty true. I don't deserve all this. I could be a person who just left polytechnic with some diploma and I just enlisted 2 weeks ago into the army for my NS. I'm very blessed. Incredibly blessed.

When I look at it. I guess God was behind it all along. How can a guy like me, who scores miserable grades in his mid years for secondary four somehow end up with grades good enough to go to JC for his first three months. And only after the school has somehow "moderated" his grade for the 2nd language to a D7. How then can I somehow get those points to enter ACJC by the skin of my teeth. And yet face the prospect of being kicked out at anytime. And that somehow there is a CL-B option for me in JC1. As well as a CL-B option for me in JC2. At the end of the day, there were many Barker boys who were good in in their subjects, but not so good in Chinese. And they chose to go to Polytechnic instead of JC - even though they had the L1R5 grades that would allow as such. I could have been exactly liek any of them. Resigned to the circumstances of time, phase and public policy. I guess God was really merciful enough to show me an alternative way to my dreams. While teaching me the principles of His Kingdom.

I chose to share my story. My long drawn out post of memories, chronological events and a short testimony all intertwined to give others a better picture of myself. For me, just to complete my A-level education is already a miracle. Because I deserve none of this 4 years ago at the cross junction of my life between JC and Poly. I would have never met her. Never seen her in the Mezza9 floor. Never completed my 2 final years of ACS education. Never meet all the wonderful classamtes in my class. Never meet people in the CF that have so impacted my life. Never even had the chance to ever have that encounter with God. And I would never have had opportunies to be counselled, comforted, encouraged and cheer up by her. None of this would happen. I would defnitely be a very different person today. I would not know what the feeling is like when ACJC beats RJC on the rugby field. Not feel any longing for my school days like I do today. And probably be a person who'd look upon those wearing the double pocketed white and blue uniform with envy - wondering what if I had made it there.