Tired
Lately I'm not sure what's been draining my energy. I seem to sleep more and yet feel tired more easily. My health is going down the drain and so is a lot of personal factors about myself and my life.
Just a few minutes ago, I met a very good old friend from barker. And he has changed so much that I couldn't even recognise him anymore. Believe me. Time can make a huge difference in the look, character and personality of a person and while I see a lot of people around me going for gold and striving to become ever more successful and even better in their lives. I seem to be quite the opposite.
I did write a while ago in a post about PES - Physics, Emotion and Spiritual state. At the end of the day, I realise that there are plenty of sacrifices to be made in life and that one desire and want somehow more or less contradicts or opposes another. Call it a principle of economics, a probability of mathematics or a battle of the fates or maybe just a simple "God's Will and my will". While I'm not sure how to start, and where to start. I do honestly feel that I left myself hanging back somewhere behind me as I have walked rather soulessly through this world. Sigh.
Forgive my hard notations. I'm just being abstract for the sake of abstraction. There are so many things ahead of me that I actually don't want to face, yet I know that I can't put things off for much longer and that eventually sooner or later I'll have to take the plunge in life and literally let go and let God. I still don't even know what I'm supposed to do with my life and it quite bothers me - knowing that a good number of friends are working towards being lawyers, doctors, bankers or businessmen and somehow I'm caught in a quagmire - not smart enough to be in an elite white collar profession, not being in a family with any business to inherit (unlike most ACS people) else haven't had a proper alternative direction in life yet.
Its freaky as I see more and more people from years past by. I wonder what things will be like on the 23rd of December. For that ACJC reunion. Yep, I plan to go, even if I can just see her and her again, although on no certain terms (I was supposed to blog about them a while ago, but scratched off the idea). And I probably leave the place wondering how everyone has progressed so far ahead and I'm just lagging ever so badly. Already in NS, so many of my peers are officers and so many of them are just doing so well. Lest me, stuck in the strangest form of NS alive in the country that only a tiny handful of people experience and have a taste of.
I'll probably wonder what happened to everyone after the A levels. I know that alot of people from my cohort will be going overseas to study on Papa-Mama scholarships to the UK and the US. I won't be surprised if people tell me that they gained entrance into elite ivy league universities, as well as other top universities like California-Berkeley, NorthWestern, Chicago or Imperial, University College, Warwick, London School of Economics and so on. Its just plain freaky. Am i just being a paranoid android, or is it just that I'm a person who isn't so overtly competitive in every sense of the word. Or is it that everyone around me has this drive and hunger for success and achievement that I lack. My goodness. I still don't even know what I'm really good at. I mean, I can't do sports to save my life. I'm not smart enough to even to fully comprehend a friend's Lab Report for the sciences and have been rock-bottom in the Arts for so long. Else wise, I'm not artistically talented or trained (oh how I scored lowest in ACS for ART). I can't play music for NUTS (drums is not a musical instrument) and to top it off, my driving sucks for a guy. I can't even park the stupid car!
Yet certainly, I can so safely and assuredly say that I'm not such a fantastic Christian in church. Who participates activiely in all kinds of ministry works and services as well as manages to speed complete all the bible study lessons and seminars and put down every single thing learnt in church into practise in real life (instead of just talking the talk). I'm quite lagging in terms of my bible reading compared to other people, not that good in "alot of things" in church and so I just often wonder and ask God, "what am I here for?". And "what good can I do?".
No I can't take proper pictures for nuts. Give me a manual leica and I'll suffer all the way through not even knowing how to properly expose my photographs normally. A good number of people are just plain talented in photography - and I guess i'm not one of them. Oh well, I know its so lamentable right. Maybe I'm really like that guy in the bible with that one talent and being unsure of himself ends up burying that one talent to no gain of interest to my Master. We all know where that servant ended up in so I won't go there. Argh.
I can't even see myself 10 or 20 years down the road. And I know of a good number of people who have planned their lives such as to retire by the age of 30 or 35 with a large bank account and stuff. While I would say that money is good and money is important and money can do lots of things to make life better. Yet strangely I do not crave it or love it or worship it. I only desire cash in hand I guess for a few things in life like food, giving to the Lord and perhaps supporting my pathetic hobby which is known to be extremely expensive. Yet I know that cash is important for many tasks of life. Oh I'm so confused right now. =)
Yet I don't know. I'll just take it to the Lord in prayer. They say, just literally dump all your cares and concerns at His feet. I'm not sure what I'm here for. And honestly, I don't enjoy the environment in Singapore. Its just too competitive, there's so much competition for an "education" (ya right, more like a paper chase to become a doctor!), so much competition and nonsense in looking for a partner in life. My goodness, there's alot of competition even in finding a parking lot in the city on a weekend! (And I still can't park my car!). There's heavy workplace and business competition (aren't we the 2nd most competitive economy in the world?). Honestly, I just want to throw it all away. Lay it all off to one corner and just be content and happy. Then again - that's real selfishness only to think for myself and not of others.
I'm tired. I can't write anymore. I think I should give up blogging too, since I seem to have lost interest in it (finally) and at last. And probably sell off my camera too (Nikon happily just shaved off 300 dollars off its after sale value no thanks to its Christmast Promotion - Canon Rulez!). I don't enjoy photography as much as I feel I should since the payoffs and the kickbacks are so few and far in between. Soon, maybe no more blog. And no more pictures. =( Argh. I think I'm sinking into depression...
Lately I'm not sure what's been draining my energy. I seem to sleep more and yet feel tired more easily. My health is going down the drain and so is a lot of personal factors about myself and my life.
Just a few minutes ago, I met a very good old friend from barker. And he has changed so much that I couldn't even recognise him anymore. Believe me. Time can make a huge difference in the look, character and personality of a person and while I see a lot of people around me going for gold and striving to become ever more successful and even better in their lives. I seem to be quite the opposite.
I did write a while ago in a post about PES - Physics, Emotion and Spiritual state. At the end of the day, I realise that there are plenty of sacrifices to be made in life and that one desire and want somehow more or less contradicts or opposes another. Call it a principle of economics, a probability of mathematics or a battle of the fates or maybe just a simple "God's Will and my will". While I'm not sure how to start, and where to start. I do honestly feel that I left myself hanging back somewhere behind me as I have walked rather soulessly through this world. Sigh.
Forgive my hard notations. I'm just being abstract for the sake of abstraction. There are so many things ahead of me that I actually don't want to face, yet I know that I can't put things off for much longer and that eventually sooner or later I'll have to take the plunge in life and literally let go and let God. I still don't even know what I'm supposed to do with my life and it quite bothers me - knowing that a good number of friends are working towards being lawyers, doctors, bankers or businessmen and somehow I'm caught in a quagmire - not smart enough to be in an elite white collar profession, not being in a family with any business to inherit (unlike most ACS people) else haven't had a proper alternative direction in life yet.
Its freaky as I see more and more people from years past by. I wonder what things will be like on the 23rd of December. For that ACJC reunion. Yep, I plan to go, even if I can just see her and her again, although on no certain terms (I was supposed to blog about them a while ago, but scratched off the idea). And I probably leave the place wondering how everyone has progressed so far ahead and I'm just lagging ever so badly. Already in NS, so many of my peers are officers and so many of them are just doing so well. Lest me, stuck in the strangest form of NS alive in the country that only a tiny handful of people experience and have a taste of.
I'll probably wonder what happened to everyone after the A levels. I know that alot of people from my cohort will be going overseas to study on Papa-Mama scholarships to the UK and the US. I won't be surprised if people tell me that they gained entrance into elite ivy league universities, as well as other top universities like California-Berkeley, NorthWestern, Chicago or Imperial, University College, Warwick, London School of Economics and so on. Its just plain freaky. Am i just being a paranoid android, or is it just that I'm a person who isn't so overtly competitive in every sense of the word. Or is it that everyone around me has this drive and hunger for success and achievement that I lack. My goodness. I still don't even know what I'm really good at. I mean, I can't do sports to save my life. I'm not smart enough to even to fully comprehend a friend's Lab Report for the sciences and have been rock-bottom in the Arts for so long. Else wise, I'm not artistically talented or trained (oh how I scored lowest in ACS for ART). I can't play music for NUTS (drums is not a musical instrument) and to top it off, my driving sucks for a guy. I can't even park the stupid car!
Yet certainly, I can so safely and assuredly say that I'm not such a fantastic Christian in church. Who participates activiely in all kinds of ministry works and services as well as manages to speed complete all the bible study lessons and seminars and put down every single thing learnt in church into practise in real life (instead of just talking the talk). I'm quite lagging in terms of my bible reading compared to other people, not that good in "alot of things" in church and so I just often wonder and ask God, "what am I here for?". And "what good can I do?".
No I can't take proper pictures for nuts. Give me a manual leica and I'll suffer all the way through not even knowing how to properly expose my photographs normally. A good number of people are just plain talented in photography - and I guess i'm not one of them. Oh well, I know its so lamentable right. Maybe I'm really like that guy in the bible with that one talent and being unsure of himself ends up burying that one talent to no gain of interest to my Master. We all know where that servant ended up in so I won't go there. Argh.
I can't even see myself 10 or 20 years down the road. And I know of a good number of people who have planned their lives such as to retire by the age of 30 or 35 with a large bank account and stuff. While I would say that money is good and money is important and money can do lots of things to make life better. Yet strangely I do not crave it or love it or worship it. I only desire cash in hand I guess for a few things in life like food, giving to the Lord and perhaps supporting my pathetic hobby which is known to be extremely expensive. Yet I know that cash is important for many tasks of life. Oh I'm so confused right now. =)
Yet I don't know. I'll just take it to the Lord in prayer. They say, just literally dump all your cares and concerns at His feet. I'm not sure what I'm here for. And honestly, I don't enjoy the environment in Singapore. Its just too competitive, there's so much competition for an "education" (ya right, more like a paper chase to become a doctor!), so much competition and nonsense in looking for a partner in life. My goodness, there's alot of competition even in finding a parking lot in the city on a weekend! (And I still can't park my car!). There's heavy workplace and business competition (aren't we the 2nd most competitive economy in the world?). Honestly, I just want to throw it all away. Lay it all off to one corner and just be content and happy. Then again - that's real selfishness only to think for myself and not of others.
I'm tired. I can't write anymore. I think I should give up blogging too, since I seem to have lost interest in it (finally) and at last. And probably sell off my camera too (Nikon happily just shaved off 300 dollars off its after sale value no thanks to its Christmast Promotion - Canon Rulez!). I don't enjoy photography as much as I feel I should since the payoffs and the kickbacks are so few and far in between. Soon, maybe no more blog. And no more pictures. =( Argh. I think I'm sinking into depression...
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