Unified Field Theory
don't read me
"At the end of the day, I find that love is more difficult to understand than complex analysis; more difficult to justify and prove than further mathematical induction; much more abstract than analytical geometry; having more dimensions to it than infinite n-dimensional imaginary vector spaces and yet, more fundamental than number theory... you know, count one two three..."
[Me]"I think its just a kernel! Null vector. Zero! Kosong!"
At amongst the last few disccussions I had with as many people as could be found on one of the tables in the Void Deck just before the A-level exams (the time immediately after compulsory self-study). The usual light banter choice of a topic had remained unchanged since day 1 - Girls. Its amazing that later just before this meeting broke up, most of us shared our franks and honest views with each other in a nonetheless no-holds barred session. Almost like a drinking session with good buddies in a stylish club. Such discussions could induce a personal high and mass hysteria of all sorts of laughter.
"So! Gentlemen! Tell me about your experiences with girls, as far as you have had it in your lives thus far..."
[Respondent #1] Well, I'm happily attached! (howls of *chey!*)
[Respondent #2] Oh you all know lah, I am the laughing stock of the school when it comes to girls...(*laughter*)
[Respondent #3] Come to think of it, rather uneventful lah, nothing much more than silly conversations about the same few things. I still can't understand what's with their shopping nonsense *more laughter*
[Respondent #4] Ok lah, been in and out of relationships. Not that it'll matter since I'm going to army soon lah
[Me] uh... uh.... nothing much lah. None of the girls I liked liked me... *more laughter*
Of course, later someone summed up to me that "your experiences with girls are nothing short of rotten indeed". "So suay one", said another. Well, it doesn't matter, it happened so long ago, now I just look back and laugh at it all. Then again, I'm amazed that the way feelings can be torn around and twisted into all shapes of fancy by the one emotional theorem called "love". We can't deny the fact that peple seethe in anger, revel in hate, brood in jealousy and have all sorts of feelings, both negative and positive stirred up in them when it just comes to this one emotion of life. Truly, its very powerful. And its mastery and understanding is something to behold.
You know, oftentimes, I've heard about many guys who gripe about their girlfriend's best friend. And it seems that it is a rather legitimate thing that we must all come to understand in the realm of relationships. Its like, for any girl in particular, most likely, her time, effort and other factors will have to split and shared between her boyfriend and her best friend(s) or group(s) of cliche(s). Also called "the Security Apparatus that accompanies her". And by virtue of the principle of ECONOMICS, there has to be a division somewhere, somehow and usually, one side isn't happy at all.
Notably, its quite interesting to note about guys' horror stories about their girlfriend's "security" putting them to all sorts of invisible tests or judgmental circumstances that does not bode well to build a good strong relationship with their girlfriends. Sad to say, life indeed is like this. A friend described this "messing around with economics" as a "wedge in my relationship. So small, and yet so much damange". Its already hard enough to approch a girl like her in the New Canteen when she's nicely seated on one of the yellow tables with 6 accompanying ("supposedly swinging single") friends to "jagga her". As another ACS friend noted:
"Most of the time, the security is damn cmi one lah". But there are exceptions where two beautiful girls jagga each other and are sometimes termed as "The Dynamic Duo". Nevertheless very small and isolated in number in the handfuls. Remember, I'm backtracking to a time where things were much more childish and everything was pretty much more on the simple-minded side. We didn't have to bother about cleaning our rifles or misfiring or waking up at 4.30a.m everyday.
Well, for starters, I've had a few closer AC friends who've swallowed the bitter pill and decided to trash their relationships totally save one guy. Who so often complained bitterly that "whenever I ask her out, somehow her best friend will come along and spoil it all..." While he's very happily attached today (after the best friend got attached herself). I guess not everyone has the patience, time, money and effort to "wait-out" such cirucmstances of life that get thrown to us. Another ACS friend had a relational theorem of sorts to explain that "its actually because the best friend fears that she might be losing her best friend in some way, that's why she has to turn up her guard and become all protectionist to defend her 'stake' in that particular girl you're aiming for. If you were the best friend, you're likely to do it as well. Girls place a high value of emotional quotient level of their girl hypen friend's relationships, same for the security apparatus as well".
I don't blame them for it because, I myself have tasted and swallowed such a bitter pill before. And believe me, it hurts. And maybe that's why they say that "falling in love can bring about depression". Because when we look and measure ourselves in the mirrors of another person. It is so very difficult to match up to their expectations that just seem to high at times. While some have no problems easily surpassing expectations in the 5-dimensional vector space region. I believe that the majority does not do so well in either case. So there's a sense of missing flexibility when it comes to filtering out potential mates. Perhaps at the end of the day, someone ideal and someone to love would simply be a person whom I put a polarising filter over, such that it glosses and cancels out all the perpendiculars of polarity not to my liking.
There is certainly no perfect girl out there. And there is no perfect guy out there as well. The funniest thing I notice girls/women in general ask for in a man is for a "sense of humour". Yet they cannot define this "sense of humour". Do they want a funny guy (and dismiss him as lame or childish), or a person who jokes at the right times (too dry, too boring) or someone whose funny by nature (its hard to be serious then). It is almost as much as I putting down "Oh! I'd like to have a decent girl with a good heart". Because I myself cannot define the words "decent" and "good heart" in a persoanality complex. Its like one of things that "I see only then I know". Well, such variances of expectation is even more difficult to take into account should we decide to use "a mathematical model to compute the girl we have the greatest chance of falling for us with".
Its very sad to say that for the one girl I truly loved in the past, her best friend was violently opposed to me just even going out with her. How very very sad indeed. That's why "my experiences with girls have been nothing short of rotten". I'm not even asking for a cheesy movie outing. Just half an hour's worth of meaningful conversation at King Albert Park's MacDonald's. As I'm often a person who prefer to avoid conflict and prefers not to cause conflict. I often end up playing the role ofthe "give-way vessel" despite the fact that my port side is facing them. At the end of the day, I feel that its not nice to sour relationships with good friends just for the sake of own personal gain. As if they'd let it be soured in the first place. Then that's a different consideration altogether. Come to think of it, as a person who doesn't express himself very well except by means of lame jokes and silly quotes. Come to think of it, if I can hold a meaningful conversation with a girl for more than 15 minutes. Its quite a big achievement in its essence already. Even online as I chat on msn or icq. Most of my replies are pretty lame and of the very dry sort. So I'll know.
Talking to her is like being a purveyor of fine petrus wine. Its very smooth a conversation that can easily last for hours without a hint of tiredness or slowing down in momentum. I believe that any form of a stable and well-balance relationship has a good load of foundation on proper clear and honest communication. We aren't talking about weather or silly fashion nonsense. Rather, we focus on things that really DO matter and things that are often relegated to the sidelines by a good number of 'couples' that I used to know or still know off (almost all broke up already, for the rest - 'its just a matter of time'). Deep conversation is often very rewarding and I do feel a tinge of dissapointment whenever it has to come to an end. Unfortunately for me, things never really turn out the way it should. And I don't blame God for anything, because its one of the things that I resign myself to "just letting it be". Whereas being outside of a worship service with 10,000 people inside is not an option in all honesty.
Being a weird guy who watches shows like "loser" (Jason Biggs and Mena Suvari) as well as even more nonsense shows like "Underworld" (Romeo and Juliet for Vampires and Werewolves???). I guess its not so difficult to accept the judging axe of circumstances of life. Yet I share from personal experience that its really true. Unless one wins over all the security apparatus, by means of appeasement or otherwise. We can just forget about the whole deal. Because its like throwing baskets of fruit into a volcano. So if we wonder why Social Engineering efforts in the Premier Institution of Socal Engineering and its Associated Institution of Social Engineering doesn't really work out. Maybe they can consider looking at this factor in a very transparent and honest manner. Its very very diffult to build a happy friendship, perhaps leading on to a relationship if her friend's are playing a game of Rebel Blockade. And it doesn't help when your own guy pals start their own version of Seige Warfare. Sigh. And Megaphone communication too.
A very very brilliant ACS Boy once posed this open question to everyone on a table in the Void Deck. He asked: "Assuming, that you have meet the girl of your dreams and one day from your wedding, she get's into an accident and is a vegetable for the rest of her life. What would you do? Please don't give me shitty answers"
There was silence. Of course we could say "Oh! we'll still marry her! We love her don't we?" and the like. Then again. Let's be true to ourselves for once. Looks do really count. Later, this person twisted his question:
"Ok, let's say she's 100% fine. But now, she has this really ugly scar that stretches from one corner of her face to another". Gesturing a scarface from the top left eyebrow to the right chin. And that question really got me thinking. Because, if we so really love the person of our dreams. Does looks actually play a part anymore? Or do we prefer a person with looks just so that it might be a "boost to our ego". C'mon. I've seen a GOOD number of people in Police Academy who whip out their wallets and start comparing the looks of their girlfriends and rank each other by virtue of their "prowess" in "getting a pity gerfwen". We can reverse the polarity of the question to see that sometimes. Its the guy's friend's who are also very respnsible for making things very difficult for the girl. Its a little bit hard to explore this region since I've not talked to enough girls about it and most of my ACS knowledge is rather slanted to the male chauvinist side by nature. I'm sorry, but when I often talk to so many people whom I refer to as "brothers" by nature. Sometimes being in a friendly all-male environment till its almost gay has its negative side-effects too.
Usually in most cases. Circumstances in life have it that "nice guys will be the very last to be discovered". There is this saying that I got off the net 7 years ago and it read "Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful." Or maybe too, we'll know that its the right person for us. Yet not to long ago, we read of stories in the gahmen press about 50 something year old men who had their previous dates 30 years ago and are forever seemingly destined to live their live in solitude listening to Love 97.2 FM (what a miserably sad irony...) As much as we can harp all along that "inner beauty is more important than outer beauty". As the sex-guru Mr Kadir has it to say (blogged before) that "you must be at least satisfied with the way your partner looks". Quite a notable thought indeed. Although it is possible to discount it as being more on the self-centered side and selfish to one's own end. To live a life of solitude, especially in the golden years is not easy indeed! Imagine a life that there is no one to share happiness with. And no one to divide sorrows upon. Maybe that's why some people just marry for the sake of marrying as well as for companionship. Because such a single-marital-statust-of-existence is worst than death itself.
I'm sorry if this post seems to terribly mixed up and garbled up. By nature, I find it very difficult to gather, sort and organise all my thoughts efficiently and with brevity. What takes a person a few words to say, I will do with about ten times more on average and with more confusion and less clarity at it. By nature, I'm quite vague, quite strage as the expressions that use and even more odd in the way that I chose to communicate. I'm just "letting it all go" as honestly as I can. Since I do want to get this off my chest in its totality. And then I can finally heave my own sigh of relief since all the things on the tip of my tongue need to be mention first before I find solace in the silence of a pressure drop.
I don't know what about the reunion for the J4 people of my batch when it happens two days short of Christmas later this year. I know for a certainty that she will be there. As well as her too. Then what? I can no longer go up there and introduce myself can I? After all, it'll be so awkward in all directions. Ah, once again, relegated to hide in the shadows in a group of pretence of artificiality. Once again, she will be so near. And yet so far away. Its no problem to admire her from a distance still. But then again, I do not know what will happen when all these feelings as well as memories start to flood back into the empty canyon void that hath existed since enlistment. As much as I have no interest in going. I'll just show my face for posterity's sake and then no more. Once again, mildness of depression exhibition itself through LSE.
Often times, I wonder about the nice guy who often is the last one in the queue. Will his waiting game, while the most sincere, backfire upon him by denying himself the chances to other "targets of opportunity"? Isn't it so -funny- when people say that "all the nice guys are ugly!" Love is like a loaf of sliced bread. It comes in two sizes: Regular. And The End. There are still many things that I cannot imagine myself. I still cannot see myself asking any particular girl to be my girlfriend for starters. Worst is that I cannot even see myself being any girl's "Knight in Shining Armour". More like "a night without ah ma".
I am told that "love is easily satisfied", while "lust craves for more and more". That love seeks to gift and lust seeks to get. That love is all about self-sacrifice. And lust is more on the side of selfishness. I don't know about this, yet the general consensus it seems to me is that Singapore Girls in general, are very difficult to please at times. Then again, the counter accusations are that "Singaporean guys are very boring and they don't know how to please their girls". Sigh. I wish to be spared of all such debates as they rage on between Male-Chauvinist and Feminists to no ends. Sigh. When I looked at a friend's personal expectations of a guy, and I measured myself up to it in realistic terms. I found that I only met 15% of her criteria. How discouraging! Actually, I was "elminated" instantly when when she put first on her list of requirements was a guy that was Eurasian. And at least 1.8m tall. Isn't there a famous quote floating around the internet that says "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with". Well, I could add that, if you let it go. Most probably it'll never find its way back.... The greatest oddity I observe personally so far? That in most avenues and outlets to meet new people, practically everyone describes themselves as easy-going. Yet how many REALLY ARE? Let's keep that in mind first... And finally, I've come to the part, where for once, I'll put down my personal expectations in a girl:
-She has to love God with all her heart, strength, soul and might
-She has to be a very very understanding person
-She must not be impressed by wealth nor affected by poverty
-She must be emotionally stable, non-bipolar, no violent moodswings and positive in nature
-She must have a kind, caring, peaceful and forgiving nature
-She must have a cliche of wonderful friends
These are probably the few major points that I can think of. While I'd like to look at the whole package deal. For me, the first two already negates putting down alot of other "requisites" and "qualifications". At the end of the day, if she loves God witha ll her heart, soul, mind and body. It won't be long before the rest of her character just totally falls into place. And i needn't bother about asking for a person who is "patient, longsuffering, gentleness... etc etc etc". It comes in "by default" by means of a "standard package". =)
As for being a very very understanding person. This attribute alone can easily eliminate 95% of the girls that I know. Its very hard to know people who can understand me for starters. Especially a person like me with all my quirks, idiosyncracies, weird thougths, vagaries of perception, strange quotes et al. I'm quite a weird person by nature. Gets a little bit high once in a while. Yet generally quite stable at other times. Having a girl who really loves God and is very very understanding is like light passing through a circular polariser angled at 89 degrees.
Adding a personal request for a girl who isn't easily impressed by wealth could be directly taken from her. Come to think of it. In an ever more materialistic world. I wonder if there's any girl out there who could one day eat caviar at a fine french restaurant for lunch and later at a hawker center for dinner. I put this here honestly also because I will not know what my financial state will be in the future. Maybe I'll be glamorously wealthy, else maybe just a typical poor person. I feel sorry for a good number of wealthy men who go bankrupt and their wives later dump them because they can no longer mantain their upper class uptown-girl high class lifestyle of a tai-tai.
As I more or less lean towards the side of slight negativity as well as then to take things with a more bleak prospect for the future. A girl with a positive nature would be really nice to "balance" and "even things out". In addition, that explain why I prefer someone who is more on the emotionally stable side, simply because I lean towards the more unstable side. Come to think of it. The most scary thing is a girl who suffers from violent moodswings. One minute happy and the next extremely angry, or seeped with depression and sadness and later back to being melancholy and so on. To me, that is truly shaky and unstable ground to even build any friendship upon in the first place.
I'm going make alot of mistakes in life. Its not what mistakes or whether or not I'll make them. Its just a matter of when. And I expect to have quite a few major screw up s and bust-ups ahead of me in life. Who doesn't, anyway? Someone with a forgiving heart would be ideal too. Then again, I understand that I cannot ask for too much, because idealism has to be tampered with realism. I picked out the character traits of being caring, kind and patient with people from her. I learnt that despite a girl of her kind of wealth and opulence in life. She actually did bother to take 6 months off from university to go to Nepal to do community service there. For six solid months in the winter. Yeah, taking baths in the cold dirty river water as well as using the communal toilets that are even worst than those in China.
What more may I ask? Um.. Gentle heart? Peaceful Nature? Loving Kindness? I don't know, I don't expect a perfect girl anyway. So even if she comes in with a great number of flaws. I expect myself to adapt to it accordingly. Its not always about me. Its about giving, self-sacrifice, loving, being patient on my part (I'm quite impatient by nature) as well as going the extra mile more by nature, rather than by self-imposed forced choice. Although one "extra" if I might "ask" would be that she be fluent in Mandarin at least. Since my chinese is a complete disaster. If she can speak Cantonese (isn't it a beautiful dialect of the Chinese language?), that would be an even bigger plus.
I know that in return. I'll do and make necessary changes to my life as far as possible. If its like changing a habit or changing a way of doing things. It should be difficult. The only hard part would be things like "trying to be more emotional", or maybe "trying to be more friendly". Things that lean towards the more emotional side of my persona. Which I find to be extraordinarily difficult to change from. Like I said, I'm not perfect. If she wants me to give up photography, I guess, that's fine with me. If she wants me to quit all the discussions with politics, yeap, no problem too. Its pretty much a give and take situation where opposite parties mould each other gently. Seen as one flesh by the Lord as one of the great mysteries of God.
Lastly, while I didn't mention looks or other factors like race and the like. For these "variables", more or less I'll just put it nicely here that 90% of the girls I know in church will fit these variables just fine. The two or three main sieves being the few things I look for in character. I'm not so concerned about "the packaging". I'm more interested in what's inside "the package". Doesn't matter if she's 1.6 or less, or she's an "airport runway" or whether she has crooked teeth or whatever. I don't care whether she's a doctor or a shoe salegirl. Its really not so important to me. I'm not so concerned about such details. Its the hear that's the most important. Like for her. Definitely a heart worth more than a shipload worth of gold. I'll gladly trash the gold anytime for a girl with a heart like her's. Only too bad that she's now happily attached...So sad. White Cat.
Generally, I'm not a romantic person. The most romantic thing I can think of is to have coffee in the autumn of a Parisian Cafe with a view of the Eiffel Tower. Maybe a slightly more romantic version would be to hold hands and walk through the beautiful timeless Gothic City of Budapest in Hungary in the late evening. Perhaps go for a piano solo musical recital in Vienna, Austria and end off by walking down the cobble stone streets of the old city of London. What's missing is a dSLR with an attached Big Mama lens. Just a simple leica camera with black and white film and one prime lens will do just fine! Of course, to go around Europe, Asia and America would require me to a be a rich man already. So as for how I am going to get that wealth. I really don't know. That's why I always just prepare for "worst-case scenarios" where the most romantic thing I can think of is just to hire a bumboat and sail down the Singapore river late at night. Of course the whole boat at the very least...Even better if I'm the steersman.
So in short like a friend put it succintly, "I want a Japanese born girl, educated in America that cooks good chinese food! And she's of the subservient, obidient and caring type of girl!"
[Someone] I think like this you better go get yourself a vietnam mail order bride already lah! (*laughter*)
In a strange analogy. I liken to hold the hand of the one a person truly loves to holding a 1-Series Canon Camera (like a Canon 1V, 1D, 1Ds and its Mark II equivalents). Because after holding a superb 1 series camera for a few minutes to a few days usage. After that, every other camera seems to pale away by comparison. And that's the way it should be for one's partner in life. That his/her hand feels like this place where the act of merely joining hands can communicate and transmit ideas as well as bond the two together even closer such that another person's hand just feels so alien, just fades away into oblivion. I'm sorry, I'm rambling here... But that was just a lame thought.
In closing. I'm sorry to say that I lost focus when I started blogging this out. Its just that I chose to link everything through here and I do what I can to let it all out as far as I can. 4 hours to blog this. And I think I'll gladly take some rest first. Go and take some pictures, before my next post... Which I do not know what to write about since I've run dry of ideas. I'll let things be as usual. In the meantime, I wonder who really actually read everything the way through and ended up here. Almost like a short story in itself. Probably my longest post so far I think and yeah, maybe my most abstract one as well. Its been a great release writing this. And now I can take my rest. =D And listen to "For Once in my Life" by Frank Sinatra featuring Gladys Knight. Beautiful Song.
don't read me
"At the end of the day, I find that love is more difficult to understand than complex analysis; more difficult to justify and prove than further mathematical induction; much more abstract than analytical geometry; having more dimensions to it than infinite n-dimensional imaginary vector spaces and yet, more fundamental than number theory... you know, count one two three..."
[Me]"I think its just a kernel! Null vector. Zero! Kosong!"
At amongst the last few disccussions I had with as many people as could be found on one of the tables in the Void Deck just before the A-level exams (the time immediately after compulsory self-study). The usual light banter choice of a topic had remained unchanged since day 1 - Girls. Its amazing that later just before this meeting broke up, most of us shared our franks and honest views with each other in a nonetheless no-holds barred session. Almost like a drinking session with good buddies in a stylish club. Such discussions could induce a personal high and mass hysteria of all sorts of laughter.
"So! Gentlemen! Tell me about your experiences with girls, as far as you have had it in your lives thus far..."
[Respondent #1] Well, I'm happily attached! (howls of *chey!*)
[Respondent #2] Oh you all know lah, I am the laughing stock of the school when it comes to girls...(*laughter*)
[Respondent #3] Come to think of it, rather uneventful lah, nothing much more than silly conversations about the same few things. I still can't understand what's with their shopping nonsense *more laughter*
[Respondent #4] Ok lah, been in and out of relationships. Not that it'll matter since I'm going to army soon lah
[Me] uh... uh.... nothing much lah. None of the girls I liked liked me... *more laughter*
Of course, later someone summed up to me that "your experiences with girls are nothing short of rotten indeed". "So suay one", said another. Well, it doesn't matter, it happened so long ago, now I just look back and laugh at it all. Then again, I'm amazed that the way feelings can be torn around and twisted into all shapes of fancy by the one emotional theorem called "love". We can't deny the fact that peple seethe in anger, revel in hate, brood in jealousy and have all sorts of feelings, both negative and positive stirred up in them when it just comes to this one emotion of life. Truly, its very powerful. And its mastery and understanding is something to behold.
You know, oftentimes, I've heard about many guys who gripe about their girlfriend's best friend. And it seems that it is a rather legitimate thing that we must all come to understand in the realm of relationships. Its like, for any girl in particular, most likely, her time, effort and other factors will have to split and shared between her boyfriend and her best friend(s) or group(s) of cliche(s). Also called "the Security Apparatus that accompanies her". And by virtue of the principle of ECONOMICS, there has to be a division somewhere, somehow and usually, one side isn't happy at all.
Notably, its quite interesting to note about guys' horror stories about their girlfriend's "security" putting them to all sorts of invisible tests or judgmental circumstances that does not bode well to build a good strong relationship with their girlfriends. Sad to say, life indeed is like this. A friend described this "messing around with economics" as a "wedge in my relationship. So small, and yet so much damange". Its already hard enough to approch a girl like her in the New Canteen when she's nicely seated on one of the yellow tables with 6 accompanying ("supposedly swinging single") friends to "jagga her". As another ACS friend noted:
"Most of the time, the security is damn cmi one lah". But there are exceptions where two beautiful girls jagga each other and are sometimes termed as "The Dynamic Duo". Nevertheless very small and isolated in number in the handfuls. Remember, I'm backtracking to a time where things were much more childish and everything was pretty much more on the simple-minded side. We didn't have to bother about cleaning our rifles or misfiring or waking up at 4.30a.m everyday.
Well, for starters, I've had a few closer AC friends who've swallowed the bitter pill and decided to trash their relationships totally save one guy. Who so often complained bitterly that "whenever I ask her out, somehow her best friend will come along and spoil it all..." While he's very happily attached today (after the best friend got attached herself). I guess not everyone has the patience, time, money and effort to "wait-out" such cirucmstances of life that get thrown to us. Another ACS friend had a relational theorem of sorts to explain that "its actually because the best friend fears that she might be losing her best friend in some way, that's why she has to turn up her guard and become all protectionist to defend her 'stake' in that particular girl you're aiming for. If you were the best friend, you're likely to do it as well. Girls place a high value of emotional quotient level of their girl hypen friend's relationships, same for the security apparatus as well".
I don't blame them for it because, I myself have tasted and swallowed such a bitter pill before. And believe me, it hurts. And maybe that's why they say that "falling in love can bring about depression". Because when we look and measure ourselves in the mirrors of another person. It is so very difficult to match up to their expectations that just seem to high at times. While some have no problems easily surpassing expectations in the 5-dimensional vector space region. I believe that the majority does not do so well in either case. So there's a sense of missing flexibility when it comes to filtering out potential mates. Perhaps at the end of the day, someone ideal and someone to love would simply be a person whom I put a polarising filter over, such that it glosses and cancels out all the perpendiculars of polarity not to my liking.
There is certainly no perfect girl out there. And there is no perfect guy out there as well. The funniest thing I notice girls/women in general ask for in a man is for a "sense of humour". Yet they cannot define this "sense of humour". Do they want a funny guy (and dismiss him as lame or childish), or a person who jokes at the right times (too dry, too boring) or someone whose funny by nature (its hard to be serious then). It is almost as much as I putting down "Oh! I'd like to have a decent girl with a good heart". Because I myself cannot define the words "decent" and "good heart" in a persoanality complex. Its like one of things that "I see only then I know". Well, such variances of expectation is even more difficult to take into account should we decide to use "a mathematical model to compute the girl we have the greatest chance of falling for us with".
Its very sad to say that for the one girl I truly loved in the past, her best friend was violently opposed to me just even going out with her. How very very sad indeed. That's why "my experiences with girls have been nothing short of rotten". I'm not even asking for a cheesy movie outing. Just half an hour's worth of meaningful conversation at King Albert Park's MacDonald's. As I'm often a person who prefer to avoid conflict and prefers not to cause conflict. I often end up playing the role ofthe "give-way vessel" despite the fact that my port side is facing them. At the end of the day, I feel that its not nice to sour relationships with good friends just for the sake of own personal gain. As if they'd let it be soured in the first place. Then that's a different consideration altogether. Come to think of it, as a person who doesn't express himself very well except by means of lame jokes and silly quotes. Come to think of it, if I can hold a meaningful conversation with a girl for more than 15 minutes. Its quite a big achievement in its essence already. Even online as I chat on msn or icq. Most of my replies are pretty lame and of the very dry sort. So I'll know.
Talking to her is like being a purveyor of fine petrus wine. Its very smooth a conversation that can easily last for hours without a hint of tiredness or slowing down in momentum. I believe that any form of a stable and well-balance relationship has a good load of foundation on proper clear and honest communication. We aren't talking about weather or silly fashion nonsense. Rather, we focus on things that really DO matter and things that are often relegated to the sidelines by a good number of 'couples' that I used to know or still know off (almost all broke up already, for the rest - 'its just a matter of time'). Deep conversation is often very rewarding and I do feel a tinge of dissapointment whenever it has to come to an end. Unfortunately for me, things never really turn out the way it should. And I don't blame God for anything, because its one of the things that I resign myself to "just letting it be". Whereas being outside of a worship service with 10,000 people inside is not an option in all honesty.
Being a weird guy who watches shows like "loser" (Jason Biggs and Mena Suvari) as well as even more nonsense shows like "Underworld" (Romeo and Juliet for Vampires and Werewolves???). I guess its not so difficult to accept the judging axe of circumstances of life. Yet I share from personal experience that its really true. Unless one wins over all the security apparatus, by means of appeasement or otherwise. We can just forget about the whole deal. Because its like throwing baskets of fruit into a volcano. So if we wonder why Social Engineering efforts in the Premier Institution of Socal Engineering and its Associated Institution of Social Engineering doesn't really work out. Maybe they can consider looking at this factor in a very transparent and honest manner. Its very very diffult to build a happy friendship, perhaps leading on to a relationship if her friend's are playing a game of Rebel Blockade. And it doesn't help when your own guy pals start their own version of Seige Warfare. Sigh. And Megaphone communication too.
A very very brilliant ACS Boy once posed this open question to everyone on a table in the Void Deck. He asked: "Assuming, that you have meet the girl of your dreams and one day from your wedding, she get's into an accident and is a vegetable for the rest of her life. What would you do? Please don't give me shitty answers"
There was silence. Of course we could say "Oh! we'll still marry her! We love her don't we?" and the like. Then again. Let's be true to ourselves for once. Looks do really count. Later, this person twisted his question:
"Ok, let's say she's 100% fine. But now, she has this really ugly scar that stretches from one corner of her face to another". Gesturing a scarface from the top left eyebrow to the right chin. And that question really got me thinking. Because, if we so really love the person of our dreams. Does looks actually play a part anymore? Or do we prefer a person with looks just so that it might be a "boost to our ego". C'mon. I've seen a GOOD number of people in Police Academy who whip out their wallets and start comparing the looks of their girlfriends and rank each other by virtue of their "prowess" in "getting a pity gerfwen". We can reverse the polarity of the question to see that sometimes. Its the guy's friend's who are also very respnsible for making things very difficult for the girl. Its a little bit hard to explore this region since I've not talked to enough girls about it and most of my ACS knowledge is rather slanted to the male chauvinist side by nature. I'm sorry, but when I often talk to so many people whom I refer to as "brothers" by nature. Sometimes being in a friendly all-male environment till its almost gay has its negative side-effects too.
Usually in most cases. Circumstances in life have it that "nice guys will be the very last to be discovered". There is this saying that I got off the net 7 years ago and it read "Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful." Or maybe too, we'll know that its the right person for us. Yet not to long ago, we read of stories in the gahmen press about 50 something year old men who had their previous dates 30 years ago and are forever seemingly destined to live their live in solitude listening to Love 97.2 FM (what a miserably sad irony...) As much as we can harp all along that "inner beauty is more important than outer beauty". As the sex-guru Mr Kadir has it to say (blogged before) that "you must be at least satisfied with the way your partner looks". Quite a notable thought indeed. Although it is possible to discount it as being more on the self-centered side and selfish to one's own end. To live a life of solitude, especially in the golden years is not easy indeed! Imagine a life that there is no one to share happiness with. And no one to divide sorrows upon. Maybe that's why some people just marry for the sake of marrying as well as for companionship. Because such a single-marital-statust-of-existence is worst than death itself.
I'm sorry if this post seems to terribly mixed up and garbled up. By nature, I find it very difficult to gather, sort and organise all my thoughts efficiently and with brevity. What takes a person a few words to say, I will do with about ten times more on average and with more confusion and less clarity at it. By nature, I'm quite vague, quite strage as the expressions that use and even more odd in the way that I chose to communicate. I'm just "letting it all go" as honestly as I can. Since I do want to get this off my chest in its totality. And then I can finally heave my own sigh of relief since all the things on the tip of my tongue need to be mention first before I find solace in the silence of a pressure drop.
I don't know what about the reunion for the J4 people of my batch when it happens two days short of Christmas later this year. I know for a certainty that she will be there. As well as her too. Then what? I can no longer go up there and introduce myself can I? After all, it'll be so awkward in all directions. Ah, once again, relegated to hide in the shadows in a group of pretence of artificiality. Once again, she will be so near. And yet so far away. Its no problem to admire her from a distance still. But then again, I do not know what will happen when all these feelings as well as memories start to flood back into the empty canyon void that hath existed since enlistment. As much as I have no interest in going. I'll just show my face for posterity's sake and then no more. Once again, mildness of depression exhibition itself through LSE.
Often times, I wonder about the nice guy who often is the last one in the queue. Will his waiting game, while the most sincere, backfire upon him by denying himself the chances to other "targets of opportunity"? Isn't it so -funny- when people say that "all the nice guys are ugly!" Love is like a loaf of sliced bread. It comes in two sizes: Regular. And The End. There are still many things that I cannot imagine myself. I still cannot see myself asking any particular girl to be my girlfriend for starters. Worst is that I cannot even see myself being any girl's "Knight in Shining Armour". More like "a night without ah ma".
I am told that "love is easily satisfied", while "lust craves for more and more". That love seeks to gift and lust seeks to get. That love is all about self-sacrifice. And lust is more on the side of selfishness. I don't know about this, yet the general consensus it seems to me is that Singapore Girls in general, are very difficult to please at times. Then again, the counter accusations are that "Singaporean guys are very boring and they don't know how to please their girls". Sigh. I wish to be spared of all such debates as they rage on between Male-Chauvinist and Feminists to no ends. Sigh. When I looked at a friend's personal expectations of a guy, and I measured myself up to it in realistic terms. I found that I only met 15% of her criteria. How discouraging! Actually, I was "elminated" instantly when when she put first on her list of requirements was a guy that was Eurasian. And at least 1.8m tall. Isn't there a famous quote floating around the internet that says "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with". Well, I could add that, if you let it go. Most probably it'll never find its way back.... The greatest oddity I observe personally so far? That in most avenues and outlets to meet new people, practically everyone describes themselves as easy-going. Yet how many REALLY ARE? Let's keep that in mind first... And finally, I've come to the part, where for once, I'll put down my personal expectations in a girl:
-She has to love God with all her heart, strength, soul and might
-She has to be a very very understanding person
-She must not be impressed by wealth nor affected by poverty
-She must be emotionally stable, non-bipolar, no violent moodswings and positive in nature
-She must have a kind, caring, peaceful and forgiving nature
-She must have a cliche of wonderful friends
These are probably the few major points that I can think of. While I'd like to look at the whole package deal. For me, the first two already negates putting down alot of other "requisites" and "qualifications". At the end of the day, if she loves God witha ll her heart, soul, mind and body. It won't be long before the rest of her character just totally falls into place. And i needn't bother about asking for a person who is "patient, longsuffering, gentleness... etc etc etc". It comes in "by default" by means of a "standard package". =)
As for being a very very understanding person. This attribute alone can easily eliminate 95% of the girls that I know. Its very hard to know people who can understand me for starters. Especially a person like me with all my quirks, idiosyncracies, weird thougths, vagaries of perception, strange quotes et al. I'm quite a weird person by nature. Gets a little bit high once in a while. Yet generally quite stable at other times. Having a girl who really loves God and is very very understanding is like light passing through a circular polariser angled at 89 degrees.
Adding a personal request for a girl who isn't easily impressed by wealth could be directly taken from her. Come to think of it. In an ever more materialistic world. I wonder if there's any girl out there who could one day eat caviar at a fine french restaurant for lunch and later at a hawker center for dinner. I put this here honestly also because I will not know what my financial state will be in the future. Maybe I'll be glamorously wealthy, else maybe just a typical poor person. I feel sorry for a good number of wealthy men who go bankrupt and their wives later dump them because they can no longer mantain their upper class uptown-girl high class lifestyle of a tai-tai.
As I more or less lean towards the side of slight negativity as well as then to take things with a more bleak prospect for the future. A girl with a positive nature would be really nice to "balance" and "even things out". In addition, that explain why I prefer someone who is more on the emotionally stable side, simply because I lean towards the more unstable side. Come to think of it. The most scary thing is a girl who suffers from violent moodswings. One minute happy and the next extremely angry, or seeped with depression and sadness and later back to being melancholy and so on. To me, that is truly shaky and unstable ground to even build any friendship upon in the first place.
I'm going make alot of mistakes in life. Its not what mistakes or whether or not I'll make them. Its just a matter of when. And I expect to have quite a few major screw up s and bust-ups ahead of me in life. Who doesn't, anyway? Someone with a forgiving heart would be ideal too. Then again, I understand that I cannot ask for too much, because idealism has to be tampered with realism. I picked out the character traits of being caring, kind and patient with people from her. I learnt that despite a girl of her kind of wealth and opulence in life. She actually did bother to take 6 months off from university to go to Nepal to do community service there. For six solid months in the winter. Yeah, taking baths in the cold dirty river water as well as using the communal toilets that are even worst than those in China.
What more may I ask? Um.. Gentle heart? Peaceful Nature? Loving Kindness? I don't know, I don't expect a perfect girl anyway. So even if she comes in with a great number of flaws. I expect myself to adapt to it accordingly. Its not always about me. Its about giving, self-sacrifice, loving, being patient on my part (I'm quite impatient by nature) as well as going the extra mile more by nature, rather than by self-imposed forced choice. Although one "extra" if I might "ask" would be that she be fluent in Mandarin at least. Since my chinese is a complete disaster. If she can speak Cantonese (isn't it a beautiful dialect of the Chinese language?), that would be an even bigger plus.
I know that in return. I'll do and make necessary changes to my life as far as possible. If its like changing a habit or changing a way of doing things. It should be difficult. The only hard part would be things like "trying to be more emotional", or maybe "trying to be more friendly". Things that lean towards the more emotional side of my persona. Which I find to be extraordinarily difficult to change from. Like I said, I'm not perfect. If she wants me to give up photography, I guess, that's fine with me. If she wants me to quit all the discussions with politics, yeap, no problem too. Its pretty much a give and take situation where opposite parties mould each other gently. Seen as one flesh by the Lord as one of the great mysteries of God.
Lastly, while I didn't mention looks or other factors like race and the like. For these "variables", more or less I'll just put it nicely here that 90% of the girls I know in church will fit these variables just fine. The two or three main sieves being the few things I look for in character. I'm not so concerned about "the packaging". I'm more interested in what's inside "the package". Doesn't matter if she's 1.6 or less, or she's an "airport runway" or whether she has crooked teeth or whatever. I don't care whether she's a doctor or a shoe salegirl. Its really not so important to me. I'm not so concerned about such details. Its the hear that's the most important. Like for her. Definitely a heart worth more than a shipload worth of gold. I'll gladly trash the gold anytime for a girl with a heart like her's. Only too bad that she's now happily attached...So sad. White Cat.
Generally, I'm not a romantic person. The most romantic thing I can think of is to have coffee in the autumn of a Parisian Cafe with a view of the Eiffel Tower. Maybe a slightly more romantic version would be to hold hands and walk through the beautiful timeless Gothic City of Budapest in Hungary in the late evening. Perhaps go for a piano solo musical recital in Vienna, Austria and end off by walking down the cobble stone streets of the old city of London. What's missing is a dSLR with an attached Big Mama lens. Just a simple leica camera with black and white film and one prime lens will do just fine! Of course, to go around Europe, Asia and America would require me to a be a rich man already. So as for how I am going to get that wealth. I really don't know. That's why I always just prepare for "worst-case scenarios" where the most romantic thing I can think of is just to hire a bumboat and sail down the Singapore river late at night. Of course the whole boat at the very least...Even better if I'm the steersman.
So in short like a friend put it succintly, "I want a Japanese born girl, educated in America that cooks good chinese food! And she's of the subservient, obidient and caring type of girl!"
[Someone] I think like this you better go get yourself a vietnam mail order bride already lah! (*laughter*)
In a strange analogy. I liken to hold the hand of the one a person truly loves to holding a 1-Series Canon Camera (like a Canon 1V, 1D, 1Ds and its Mark II equivalents). Because after holding a superb 1 series camera for a few minutes to a few days usage. After that, every other camera seems to pale away by comparison. And that's the way it should be for one's partner in life. That his/her hand feels like this place where the act of merely joining hands can communicate and transmit ideas as well as bond the two together even closer such that another person's hand just feels so alien, just fades away into oblivion. I'm sorry, I'm rambling here... But that was just a lame thought.
In closing. I'm sorry to say that I lost focus when I started blogging this out. Its just that I chose to link everything through here and I do what I can to let it all out as far as I can. 4 hours to blog this. And I think I'll gladly take some rest first. Go and take some pictures, before my next post... Which I do not know what to write about since I've run dry of ideas. I'll let things be as usual. In the meantime, I wonder who really actually read everything the way through and ended up here. Almost like a short story in itself. Probably my longest post so far I think and yeah, maybe my most abstract one as well. Its been a great release writing this. And now I can take my rest. =D And listen to "For Once in my Life" by Frank Sinatra featuring Gladys Knight. Beautiful Song.
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