These are my Confessions
Usually when I'm far out at sea and its about the time just before dawn - where the sky turns into an extremely dark shade of blue that brightens up gradually to the morning dawn and most of the times a sunrise. I am often swept with all kinds of deep thoughts, strange reminisciences, odd quirks of nature as well as funny flashbacks to a time when life was much more carefree; when I did not have to bother about a great amount of nonsensical detail.
As I'm never really a good person in terms of advanced speech and "interaction" in a complex level. It would be better that I wrote down as much as I can recollect of a question that I get asked so very often, that throws up this entire mirth of feelings and thoughts with me to the extent its like one big blur. And I can only mumble a few lame words in reply. Strange to say that life is so strange. What's weirder at times is my irrational behaviour. Wonder what future psychologists would diagnose me as suffering from. Then again, that's a different question.
I don't know who actually reads my blog. Or who follows it and never leaves comments. Or who lands on it by accident and happens to read up all the silly sordid stuff that I wrote x number of posts back. Then again, I cringe when reading my archives and so I expect to cringe when I re-read this post sometime in the not-too-distant future. Often times I've rambled seemingly incoherently with vagues references to her,her and her. Yeah, its so strange. But that's just me.
I still recall with fondness the blur that way my two years in the most nonsensical college in the country. Countless amounts of time spent languishing in a place doing nothing except to enjoy the charm and excitement of an honest philosophical discussion else lame conversation in the old canteen (aka. the legendary void deck). Other than that, having a good touch of a good number of people in school did help in some way or other to aid my perspectives and viewpoints on a great number of issues too.
Although I didn't spend my first 3 months in the most nonsensical college in the country. One thing was for sure was that whenever I skipped school, I would almost always end up joining another group of ACS people who had skipped and cut both classes and lectures at YJC, SRJC and CJC. A good number of these jokers made it back by virtue of affliation, sports and peaked results back into the foray of the white and blue. It was when I started to immerse myself back into the complex world of girls, BGR and relationships of all sorts.
While most people would have known me to be a rather mild, even cold person whenever the topic of relationships was broached, I would often enjoy to intently listen on to whatever the other guys had to say. For the most part of the time, I almost ended up going to bachelor parties as well as having all-made gathering on the benches and tables in the void deck. It was coined by a good true-blue ACSian that "it's so much of male-bonding that its almost gay..."
I learnt that in life, the rules and boundaries can change within an instant of time. That accepted notions might just fall overnight and start up a new paradigm shift altogther in mind as well as mentality. Overnight after the first week of orientation back in '02. I was getting notices that "all sorts of weird things had happened at the orientation".
For once, there was this classmate of mine back in Barker and we all knew him to the be kind of guy that really studies hard, definitely more towards the nerdy side as well as being a homely "mother's boy" (aw....!). Of course, we all poked plain fun at him most of the time with rather emotionally mean jokes of which the number 1 one that I can recall was "eh! I think you study and go ACJC also cannot find girlfriend one lah!" To much guffaws and laughter in the canteen. At that time, for most barker people, even making it to ACJC for the 1st three months already being quite an achievement in itself.
After the first week of school. He called me and said, "Eh! Guess what! I'm attached now!". I was really surprised. Thinking it was a sick joke. No i wasn't jealous. I was just wondering "what kind of girl would want a guy like him" (sorry, but I was quite childish at that time too). Later on, the gossip machine swung into full swing (as always) to the conclusion: "I can't believe it man! We're a bunch of failures!". The best irony was that this particular guy was now seeing some girl who had broken up with one of my other ACS friends. Nonsense right?
While I don't know for sure if relationships are taken seriously back in ACJ, or they are just farcical formal attachments for the sake of sparing oneself the glare of being "single and available". I guess that in certain cliches, that was more or less the case of "be attached, or be nobody". Else on my side it was "eh! we're all BRUDDERS right?". While I usually don't place a premium on relationships and the like. At one point of time I went through my phonebook in my then phone and slightly more than 70% of the people I knew was attached already. Both girls and guys.
While I'm generally a cold and emotionally non-responsive person by nature. I can say that I do put heavy emphasis and probably heavy emotional invovlment in a relationship. Yet I do not figure how do some people have this great sense of an "immunity" to "break-up pain". It strange to see a girl wail over "her ex-boyfriend" for a day and the day after say that "she's just fine and I'm looking around again". of course, there are some that get hurt once, twice shy and feel that all guys on the planet are a waste of time. The extremes heading off towards the lesbian/butch camp. While I admit that most of the nonsensical stuff with regards to relationships I experienced are rather chauvinistic by nature. This was my time in JC1, when I was still fooling around in the world and had yet to meet people like Rev. Charles, Matt and the whole Christian Fellowship.
Once, a good friend of mine took up a few pictures and pointed to a really pretty girl. I still remember the exact words he said to me, which are quite frank and honest in a way:
"eh! see this girl" (points to the picture)
[me] "ya?"
"chio right?" ("Chio" seems to be one of the few non-english words in the Anti-Chinese School-ACS)
[me] "ya why?"
"wah lau! you don't know ah? she's a lesbian leh! ....
And the rest I shan't mention. The thing is that. Things on one hand felt really really superficial. Like it was all so fake. One big soap opera with the school as the stage and all of us as participants in the play/musical as well as spectating like it was reality tv of its time. Of course there are exceptions where I do know of a few couples that were intently serious from Day 1 and weren't playing around with each other's feelings. For these tiny handful, i have to really respect them for bearing with all that "emotional strain" that comes from such a nonsenscal school environment. But I digress.
Well, let's fast forward all the chauvinistic value system programmed into my mind for one year till JC2 and when my life and mind was renewed and changed once more in a more God-oriented direction. And I realised at the prom at the end of the year. That a good number of couples broke up immediately after the release of the prelim results and just before the A-levels started. Some people blamed the MOE for being the chief cause of unhappy relationships in Singapore (maybe that's why the marriage rate is dwindling, the divorce rate is skyrocketing and the baby rate is crashing...). Of course, the saying goes, "until you're 18, everything blame MOE, until you 21, everything blame SAF, when you go uni, blame NUS/NTU, when you marry, blame HDB, LTA, when you retire, blame CPF and when you die, blame HPB..."
Well, I guess that settles it for the haphazard introduction of mine. Basically, its hard to convey the environment in school for 2 years into a few paragraphs. Probably need at least a few volumes before all the theories could be exhausted in print. Amongst this crappy environment to find some decent girl with a good heart. I guess its very difficult when material wealth, childishness, opinions, peer pressure tend to cloud our judgement and rationality.
For the most part of my NS, whenever I meet someone new at the base. Usually after the standard few questions that I get asked. The number one question that precedes all this is "so.... do you have a girlfriend". Usually I mumble a no and later sigh to myself. As this is a big mental trigger personally that just fires off all kinds of memories and feelings in my neuro-network-of-nonsense (n-cubed). Well, recently, I guess I thought I'd write it all down, just for posterity's sake, as well as in a bid to try to straighthen out whatever thoughts that I have on this issue. Strange thing was that it came froma number of people simultaneously. Oddity.
Well. For starters. She or Her, in its context. Actually refers to "my official JC Crush". Basically almost everyone except her knew about it. Nonsense right? Talk about a vacuum packed "security" when basically my whole class knows I admire her. Her best friend knows that she captures my imagination as well as makes me slow down in my tracks whenever I pass her by in the New Canteen with the added turn of my head to catch a fleeting glance.
The strangest thing was that, she was a super-low profile girl. I only saw her for the first time in the mezza9 floor. Basically T-Squared, L-Squared and Jaimes were with me sitting on one of those table with Prof. Wang in another table next to us. I was stuck in the Mezza9 floor doing something called "compulsory self-study". Basically it was like a penalty of sorts for all those who didn't do well in their prelims to start studying and to buck up for the A-levels. The school said that help would be provided in the form of a teacher. But sad to say, the teachers, especially for physics, were rather useless when we gave them the Hwa Chong Junior College Paper (are they setting a physics paper for S-paper students or normal people????) and they told us, "why do so difficult one, no need to study, just do your 10 year series only can already... its all in the syllabus " (Yeah, right! Crap! Most likely they themselves don't even know how to do the questions!)
I was mulling over some nonsense in physics (I love the subject, but I don't like the way its taught in this country) when I looked up and saw her for the first time in my life. Wow. Beautiful girl caught my eye instantly and just stared at her for a while. No problem since I've got both T-Squared and Jaimes to "cover me". After like a minute or so, while she was busy doing her work with this other girl in the table. This other girl, whose back was facing me, happened to turn around and I almost fell off my chair. Apparently, her best friend is a very good friend of mine! For almost two years, I didn't even know who a good friend's best friend was. And it turned out to be her! Sorry if I sound so childish, or so cliched. Its just that I desire to capture the "mood", the "essence". The "arty-farti-ness" of that "moment in time".
So I whipped out the Nokia and sms-ed my good friend. And this very good friend of mine agreed to cook up a whole story on my behalf that she needs help in mathematics and has decides to get "one of her friends in the F-maths combination to come over and to help". Thank God I took F-maths! Yeah! Down with Econs! T-Squared and Jaimes soon noticed me laughing quietly to myself. So they turned around, took one glance at her and said.
"you mean you never noticed her in school before?". I think they wanted to punch my face. Hard.
And after the plot was hatched. I packed up my stuff, and sauntered over to her table. As I took F-maths, I could chose either the Mechanics or Statistics Component for Paper 2. All this while, I had been "majoring" on the side of Mechanics. So I went over there, full of confidence. Sat down. And the first question my friend "asked" me was a statistics one. And I was STUMPED!!!! Continuous Random Variable Distribution! (Whatever it was!). And I know I so looked like a big loser at that point in time. Thank God, I had my chance to talk to her later on. For miserable sad freaks like me who seldom talk to girls. It was quite something. Not to mention that it was a welcome reprieve from the stiffling exam-fever atmosphere in the mezza9 floor (nonsense name for a nonsense place in a nonsense college).
And later. I found out that she's some really really rich girl. When everything ended, her chauffeur picked her up in a 7 series BMW and took her home. The next day it was an S-Class Mercedes (I think a 430.. or was it a 500?). And I had to walk home. How sad. Uptown girl...
Of course, the class teased me about it. But I guess it was ok, since I was already so thick-skinned. Funny thing was that actually never talked to her again. Sad to say. But her security was so tight after that! She always had this company of othe girls around her in the Mezza9 floor thereafter. And it would be so awkward and weird to just enter her cliche just like that. So I have to parry myself away from such situations. Very understandable. That's why the "theorem" that my senior told me is so true:
"To get to a girl, you have to get past her 'security' first.". For some guys, its no problem. For me. Ah. don't say lah. Can cry.
Fast forward to Prom night. And she was wandering around the center of the ballroom of the Ritz-Carlton hotel. Wow. Pretty girl made my heart race. Her best friend told me, "This is is your last chance to see her, to talk to her and to take a picture with her! Go! Go! Cause she's going overseas to study next month and you're enlisting very soon!"
Sad to say. I resisted. All the way till about 12.45a.m in the morning. Prom ended at 12.30a.m or so and everyone was still taking pictures. I thought that I had lost her already when I saw this whole queue of guys waiting to take a picture with her. My goodness. I didn't want to queue up. It would be so embarrassing to be at the last guy in the queue. So I hung around in the vicinity while every guy got their picture taken with her till there was no one left. Then before she went off. I asked her for a picture. So sad right? I'm such a loser at such situations. Well, I got my picture, a smile. And her driver whisked her away back home after that. If there was one photograph that I wanted really badly to see when I sent my pictures in for developing hours later. It was this one. The rest could be thrown away for all I care. But this one. Is the one I wanted badly and I was so relieved when it wasn't blur, over saturated, over exposed or whatever.
She's quite a normal person. Yet utterly captures my attention like no other. Well, she's now at one of the better universities on the West Side. Doing her studies and enjoying herself tremendously at that. Her best friend told me that she still flies back first class almost every semester break. Even if its for a few days only. I guess that's a luxury that not many people can afford.
During the time when I first met her and till prom night. She definitely changed my perspective as well as influenced greatly a few other of my key core values in life. The strangest thing was that, while she revealed to me what the meaning of the word "understanding" and "patience" and "longsuffering" in the Christian context was. Ironically, she was a hard up atheist that slept in during Chapel on Mondays. I know, cos I've seen her doze off on the lecture table before during praise and worship. Most of her "security" are also Christian. Yet I guess she left Him a long long time ago for reasons I will never know. God knows. I was really dissapointed when her best friend told me about such. And I realised that in life, I can't get everything I want in my preference.
So while it was rather childish, the experience and all. As well as the superficial actions that I indulged in for a passing of a moment of time. I look back sometimes and ponder, "what if" she had been a Christian. "What If" things changed to my favor. Then again. There are some things in life not worth thinking about, for they provide us with no clues or answers. But only stir up more questions of all kinds. It is my hope that she will get saved again someday. At the same time, I don't know what else to say except, "Life may be unfair. But God is fair."
For all my time in AC. I guess there are only two girls whom I really took a serious fancy to. The rest were a waste of my time to even think about or ponder nonsensicalities in the beginning. Looks, Talent and Personality might get you the girl of your dreams. But only excellent character on your part will keep your marriage together forever. Oftentimes, I do feel cynical about marriage. Its just a formality to live together and indulge in bedtime activities in some more conservative circles. Then again, it seems nowadays that people get attached as a sort of halfway point to being a boyfriend and girlfriend couple. And honestly, how many couples have you seen lately who are actually working seriously towards marriage? How many? Not many. In my whole life in ACJC, I've only counted 4. Sad to say that people nowadays prefer to get attached for the status, or as a demonstration of "skill in getting a pretty girl" or for all the wrong reasons except its original intended purpose.
I could say more about all this relational-theorems with regards to marriage. Yet I have to digress as it is far too huge a topic for me to even think through. Almost like stuffing a 1 GB file into a computer with just 32 MB of RAM. And then came her.
She was also a very beautiful girl. Absolutely flawless complexion and with a skin tone fair enough to model for SK-II. The strange thing was that she was originally attached to my former classmate. Who I have to salute for being one of those ACS guys with character, and was {Tall, Strong, Rich, Smart, Handsome}, that is, he satisfies the equations of the five-dimensional vector space. When I first met her, it was through a whole load of long-time ACS friends. And I know for a certain unspoken rule to avoid conflict in ACJC. The two golden rules were really simple:
1)Do not "steal" a friend's girlfriend
2)Do not date a friend's ex-girlfriend
With these two golden rules. I actually avoided all the potential "conflicts of interest" with regards to all my ACS friends. I never had any problems of any sort with them regardling their past or present relationships and generally, most people saw me as "little harm to their girlfriends". I guess its true. That I learn that I should not covet my neighbour's wife. Then again. Sometimes complications appear.
When I went back to ACJ after the first 3 months. For the 2nd intake, I saw her in school. And this time, she was single and available. While I can only describe her in terms of looks. I find it very difficult to personify her true character as well as pesonality. Yet, from all the things her ex-boyfriend declared to a number of us, would I be wrong as to safely say that she fell into the category of a nice decent girl who wasn't stuck up and not sucked into the passing pleasures of this world.
Its hard to imagine that only a few days after that, she got attached to an even better guy. This guy was literally {Taller, Stronger, Richer, Smarter} and more handsome than the previous boyfriend. And a person of a good heart too. Not stuck-up. Not arrogant, not proud and no hint of "an attitude problem". Too bad for me, so the two golden rules smashed into my face and she became the one girl I admired secretly. No one knew. Not even T-Squared, L-Squared, Jaimes, Prof. Wang. While I know they'll eventually read this post or so. Circumstances allow me to say this freely now because enough time has passed already.
One of my class girls was on very very good terms with her. They were actually childhood friends and had been classmates or schoolmates for the longest of times. On Thursdays when my class was having a period for recess, that same time slot would be her class biology tutorial time. And immediately after that, her recess time. The thing was that, our physics tutorial after recess would be held in the same classroom as her bio-tutorial. So, this was one of the few times that I always got to see her constantly. Of course, with her boyfriend in tow.
She was really smart. For a while a candidate for 2 S-papers, along with her boyfriend, till she decided to drop it off in favour of having more time for themselves and I understood it really well. She did really well for her A-levels and is in one of the very coveted slots in one of the faculty's in NUs now. In addition, her boyfriend has already gartnered a place for the medical faculty in one of the top American Universities. Well, I'll miss her for sure.
It has been a great pleasure to just seep into admiring a really nice girl for so long. In the few times that I've managed to converse with her, she is by nature a very pleasnt person. And while I do not know how as to say why I like her, apart from her looks as well as personality and character. She taught me the meaning of what it feels like to "be so near, and yet so faraway". As I have difficulty expressing my feelings. Its best that I do not write any further.
The last I heard of her, was that she's been doing really well in university and will soon be headed up to attend a top overseas university in America to complete her A.M/Ph.D in Molecular-Biology and Genetics. She stayed in Singapore for her University studies just so that she can spend weekends with her now officer-commissioned boyfriend. Talk about dedication. And I have tremendous respect for the both of them. Success in their own definition. The only girl in her entire combination in ACJ who had the maturity and character to work towards a serious committed marriage. Almost like her. In this case, being the opposite - a totally committed Christian who loves God fervently. How can I not help admire her?
While I won't dwell too much about her now. I wish her all the best in her life. Whichever man on this planet wins her heart. Will have a treasure more valuable than a shipload of gold in my honest opinion.
Lastly. I've finally come to her, the one person, who evokes the strongest emotions and feelings in me. She is no other, than the girl of my dreams. I reserve the bold for "she" and "her" for her alone. The one person who helped me to feel and to touch what emotions really are.
I met her when I was in secondary 4. At this Christian Fellowship camp that I was asked to go for, at the VERY last minute. I didn't want to go at all actually. What happened on the day itself was that I took the bus and somehow or other actually missed the stop and ended up at the interchange!
What complicates this all was that I originally signed up for the camp because I was told at last minute that this other particular girl that I used to like (not love) was going for it too. Yes, its really childish, but please, the original reason why I went to church when I was 13/14 was to "look for girls". And I'm not ashamed to say that I made such mistakes in the past. At least I'm willing to acknowledge them and change myself for the better. This particular girl, however, 4 years down the road, is a good friend of mine that I treasure immensely. So I thank God too for her.
I have neglected thus far to mention that for these three girls, who have been most influential in my life thus far, are all from the same school. You'd probably have guessed by now - MGS. that's why I could have kicked myself in the head when I realised that I missed the bus stop for MGS. Nonsense right? My batch had an affinity for MGS girls - some sort of "preferred girl's school". I know my juniors preferred RGS and SCGS. And now at my brother's batch. Apparently the preferred girl's school is St. Marg's...
Normally before any camp, there will always be a period of break in - the ice breaker. In this case it was held at the MGS basketball court. I still remember the day as it were yesterday. I walked up to the MGS concourse and dumped all my stuff for the camp there. Literally dumped all my stuff there. I was just slightly interested in God only. I actually came for the whole thing with the wrong focus in mind, body, soul and spirit. Funny thing was that I bumped into the girl I liked originally at the concourse. But she didn't take my fancy anymore. Probably a mood thing.
I trudged down to the basketball court for the much dreaded "ice-breaker". I was in school Uniform that time (pants baggy enough to stuff a few chickens inside). I sat down. And I saw her. And I thought I died and gone to heaven. I saw the most beautiful girl in my whole life till till as far as I have lived now. I thought for a while that I was looking at an angel, instead of a real human being. Believe me, when I came with the wrong focus in mind (i.e: girls!), I got dazed when I first saw her.
Then my mind brought me smashing back to earth. And I concluded. "She has a boyfriend!". At that time it was a random stab in the dark. I found out a few hours later that her then boyfriend was from ACS also. Oh my goodness! Why does it all "run in the family?" And till that time, I had known her boyfriend for 10 solid years in ACS. So it did come as a surprise to me that he never told us and kept it so low profile.
Till January till year, I have never met a girl nicer that her in my whole entire life. No other girl has influenced my thoughts and perspectives so greatly. Believe me, it only takes time to see through a girl with looks but no brains. She had brains, character, personality and beauty - all the elements of a dream girl. Even if I remove her beauty totally from her. Her depth of character is simply "wow!". Her level of maturity is at least 10 years ahead of her real age. There's no other person who moderated my childish beliefs into much more mature ones over so short a period of time. No other girl.
While I still do have my momentarily bouts of silly childishness (esp back in ACJ). I believe all those who've read the time where my posts were mostly philosophical would believe otherwise. I can't really judge myself, as it will be in unfair light. So I guess its best that I let other people judge me. Whether they feel that I've matured as a person, else still remained silly and childish. =)
I wish she had come to ACJC for her studies, yet this was not so. We got along extremely well as friends for a long period of time. Initially, she had been set on heading to ACJ to study. Then changed her mind to RJC. After all, she is a very bright girl too. Later on, things did not turn out the way it is and now she's studying overseas at a top university down under. Rather than go through the insecurities as well as the inevitablities of a long distance relationship. Circumstances dictated that I can only be friends with her.
Well. The last I heard of her? She's happily attached to some malaysian billionaire's son. The irony was that told her once that she could marry for money, and be a trophy wife to any extremely rich man out there. I was childish and her answer flattened me.
"Its not worth it to marry for money"
I heard that the billionaire's son had alot of trouble wooing her. Hahaha. Well So to those who actually read this far. I congratuate you. This post took me 3 hours to blog out. One end to the other end. Non-stop. I'm not going to check for spelling errors or the like. So I'll let it be as that. Yet, I'd appreciate comments. Even the fiery ones. After all, my character has a very long way to go. In the meantime, I'd like so say that even though these 3 girls have influenced and impacted me greately one way or another. She is a person I've now lost contact with. She is a person who've I've decided to steer clear from and to let her be happy with the man of her choice. And as for her. Well, since I've already left all this dating game things to the Lord a long long time ago. I'll smile and be very contented at her happiness.
I'm too tired to continue blogging any further. Originally I wanted to put down my "personal criteria" for a girl along with all the justifications. Yet I realise now its unnecessary. Because I guess I'll be happy with whoever God chooses for. I would say that I'm not fussy. Because I have to lower my expectations to avoid dissapointment in life. Reverend Charles once told me to share with him, my so-called "love story" when I finally get attached. Yet I am in no hurry,a nd feel no urge to press forward to look around even. I'm happy being literally swinging single first. While I let the Lord mould my character over time. Till then, I'll hug my camera in my arms and create.
Usually when I'm far out at sea and its about the time just before dawn - where the sky turns into an extremely dark shade of blue that brightens up gradually to the morning dawn and most of the times a sunrise. I am often swept with all kinds of deep thoughts, strange reminisciences, odd quirks of nature as well as funny flashbacks to a time when life was much more carefree; when I did not have to bother about a great amount of nonsensical detail.
As I'm never really a good person in terms of advanced speech and "interaction" in a complex level. It would be better that I wrote down as much as I can recollect of a question that I get asked so very often, that throws up this entire mirth of feelings and thoughts with me to the extent its like one big blur. And I can only mumble a few lame words in reply. Strange to say that life is so strange. What's weirder at times is my irrational behaviour. Wonder what future psychologists would diagnose me as suffering from. Then again, that's a different question.
I don't know who actually reads my blog. Or who follows it and never leaves comments. Or who lands on it by accident and happens to read up all the silly sordid stuff that I wrote x number of posts back. Then again, I cringe when reading my archives and so I expect to cringe when I re-read this post sometime in the not-too-distant future. Often times I've rambled seemingly incoherently with vagues references to her,her and her. Yeah, its so strange. But that's just me.
I still recall with fondness the blur that way my two years in the most nonsensical college in the country. Countless amounts of time spent languishing in a place doing nothing except to enjoy the charm and excitement of an honest philosophical discussion else lame conversation in the old canteen (aka. the legendary void deck). Other than that, having a good touch of a good number of people in school did help in some way or other to aid my perspectives and viewpoints on a great number of issues too.
Although I didn't spend my first 3 months in the most nonsensical college in the country. One thing was for sure was that whenever I skipped school, I would almost always end up joining another group of ACS people who had skipped and cut both classes and lectures at YJC, SRJC and CJC. A good number of these jokers made it back by virtue of affliation, sports and peaked results back into the foray of the white and blue. It was when I started to immerse myself back into the complex world of girls, BGR and relationships of all sorts.
While most people would have known me to be a rather mild, even cold person whenever the topic of relationships was broached, I would often enjoy to intently listen on to whatever the other guys had to say. For the most part of the time, I almost ended up going to bachelor parties as well as having all-made gathering on the benches and tables in the void deck. It was coined by a good true-blue ACSian that "it's so much of male-bonding that its almost gay..."
I learnt that in life, the rules and boundaries can change within an instant of time. That accepted notions might just fall overnight and start up a new paradigm shift altogther in mind as well as mentality. Overnight after the first week of orientation back in '02. I was getting notices that "all sorts of weird things had happened at the orientation".
For once, there was this classmate of mine back in Barker and we all knew him to the be kind of guy that really studies hard, definitely more towards the nerdy side as well as being a homely "mother's boy" (aw....!). Of course, we all poked plain fun at him most of the time with rather emotionally mean jokes of which the number 1 one that I can recall was "eh! I think you study and go ACJC also cannot find girlfriend one lah!" To much guffaws and laughter in the canteen. At that time, for most barker people, even making it to ACJC for the 1st three months already being quite an achievement in itself.
After the first week of school. He called me and said, "Eh! Guess what! I'm attached now!". I was really surprised. Thinking it was a sick joke. No i wasn't jealous. I was just wondering "what kind of girl would want a guy like him" (sorry, but I was quite childish at that time too). Later on, the gossip machine swung into full swing (as always) to the conclusion: "I can't believe it man! We're a bunch of failures!". The best irony was that this particular guy was now seeing some girl who had broken up with one of my other ACS friends. Nonsense right?
While I don't know for sure if relationships are taken seriously back in ACJ, or they are just farcical formal attachments for the sake of sparing oneself the glare of being "single and available". I guess that in certain cliches, that was more or less the case of "be attached, or be nobody". Else on my side it was "eh! we're all BRUDDERS right?". While I usually don't place a premium on relationships and the like. At one point of time I went through my phonebook in my then phone and slightly more than 70% of the people I knew was attached already. Both girls and guys.
While I'm generally a cold and emotionally non-responsive person by nature. I can say that I do put heavy emphasis and probably heavy emotional invovlment in a relationship. Yet I do not figure how do some people have this great sense of an "immunity" to "break-up pain". It strange to see a girl wail over "her ex-boyfriend" for a day and the day after say that "she's just fine and I'm looking around again". of course, there are some that get hurt once, twice shy and feel that all guys on the planet are a waste of time. The extremes heading off towards the lesbian/butch camp. While I admit that most of the nonsensical stuff with regards to relationships I experienced are rather chauvinistic by nature. This was my time in JC1, when I was still fooling around in the world and had yet to meet people like Rev. Charles, Matt and the whole Christian Fellowship.
Once, a good friend of mine took up a few pictures and pointed to a really pretty girl. I still remember the exact words he said to me, which are quite frank and honest in a way:
"eh! see this girl" (points to the picture)
[me] "ya?"
"chio right?" ("Chio" seems to be one of the few non-english words in the Anti-Chinese School-ACS)
[me] "ya why?"
"wah lau! you don't know ah? she's a lesbian leh! ....
And the rest I shan't mention. The thing is that. Things on one hand felt really really superficial. Like it was all so fake. One big soap opera with the school as the stage and all of us as participants in the play/musical as well as spectating like it was reality tv of its time. Of course there are exceptions where I do know of a few couples that were intently serious from Day 1 and weren't playing around with each other's feelings. For these tiny handful, i have to really respect them for bearing with all that "emotional strain" that comes from such a nonsenscal school environment. But I digress.
Well, let's fast forward all the chauvinistic value system programmed into my mind for one year till JC2 and when my life and mind was renewed and changed once more in a more God-oriented direction. And I realised at the prom at the end of the year. That a good number of couples broke up immediately after the release of the prelim results and just before the A-levels started. Some people blamed the MOE for being the chief cause of unhappy relationships in Singapore (maybe that's why the marriage rate is dwindling, the divorce rate is skyrocketing and the baby rate is crashing...). Of course, the saying goes, "until you're 18, everything blame MOE, until you 21, everything blame SAF, when you go uni, blame NUS/NTU, when you marry, blame HDB, LTA, when you retire, blame CPF and when you die, blame HPB..."
Well, I guess that settles it for the haphazard introduction of mine. Basically, its hard to convey the environment in school for 2 years into a few paragraphs. Probably need at least a few volumes before all the theories could be exhausted in print. Amongst this crappy environment to find some decent girl with a good heart. I guess its very difficult when material wealth, childishness, opinions, peer pressure tend to cloud our judgement and rationality.
For the most part of my NS, whenever I meet someone new at the base. Usually after the standard few questions that I get asked. The number one question that precedes all this is "so.... do you have a girlfriend". Usually I mumble a no and later sigh to myself. As this is a big mental trigger personally that just fires off all kinds of memories and feelings in my neuro-network-of-nonsense (n-cubed). Well, recently, I guess I thought I'd write it all down, just for posterity's sake, as well as in a bid to try to straighthen out whatever thoughts that I have on this issue. Strange thing was that it came froma number of people simultaneously. Oddity.
Well. For starters. She or Her, in its context. Actually refers to "my official JC Crush". Basically almost everyone except her knew about it. Nonsense right? Talk about a vacuum packed "security" when basically my whole class knows I admire her. Her best friend knows that she captures my imagination as well as makes me slow down in my tracks whenever I pass her by in the New Canteen with the added turn of my head to catch a fleeting glance.
The strangest thing was that, she was a super-low profile girl. I only saw her for the first time in the mezza9 floor. Basically T-Squared, L-Squared and Jaimes were with me sitting on one of those table with Prof. Wang in another table next to us. I was stuck in the Mezza9 floor doing something called "compulsory self-study". Basically it was like a penalty of sorts for all those who didn't do well in their prelims to start studying and to buck up for the A-levels. The school said that help would be provided in the form of a teacher. But sad to say, the teachers, especially for physics, were rather useless when we gave them the Hwa Chong Junior College Paper (are they setting a physics paper for S-paper students or normal people????) and they told us, "why do so difficult one, no need to study, just do your 10 year series only can already... its all in the syllabus " (Yeah, right! Crap! Most likely they themselves don't even know how to do the questions!)
I was mulling over some nonsense in physics (I love the subject, but I don't like the way its taught in this country) when I looked up and saw her for the first time in my life. Wow. Beautiful girl caught my eye instantly and just stared at her for a while. No problem since I've got both T-Squared and Jaimes to "cover me". After like a minute or so, while she was busy doing her work with this other girl in the table. This other girl, whose back was facing me, happened to turn around and I almost fell off my chair. Apparently, her best friend is a very good friend of mine! For almost two years, I didn't even know who a good friend's best friend was. And it turned out to be her! Sorry if I sound so childish, or so cliched. Its just that I desire to capture the "mood", the "essence". The "arty-farti-ness" of that "moment in time".
So I whipped out the Nokia and sms-ed my good friend. And this very good friend of mine agreed to cook up a whole story on my behalf that she needs help in mathematics and has decides to get "one of her friends in the F-maths combination to come over and to help". Thank God I took F-maths! Yeah! Down with Econs! T-Squared and Jaimes soon noticed me laughing quietly to myself. So they turned around, took one glance at her and said.
"you mean you never noticed her in school before?". I think they wanted to punch my face. Hard.
And after the plot was hatched. I packed up my stuff, and sauntered over to her table. As I took F-maths, I could chose either the Mechanics or Statistics Component for Paper 2. All this while, I had been "majoring" on the side of Mechanics. So I went over there, full of confidence. Sat down. And the first question my friend "asked" me was a statistics one. And I was STUMPED!!!! Continuous Random Variable Distribution! (Whatever it was!). And I know I so looked like a big loser at that point in time. Thank God, I had my chance to talk to her later on. For miserable sad freaks like me who seldom talk to girls. It was quite something. Not to mention that it was a welcome reprieve from the stiffling exam-fever atmosphere in the mezza9 floor (nonsense name for a nonsense place in a nonsense college).
And later. I found out that she's some really really rich girl. When everything ended, her chauffeur picked her up in a 7 series BMW and took her home. The next day it was an S-Class Mercedes (I think a 430.. or was it a 500?). And I had to walk home. How sad. Uptown girl...
Of course, the class teased me about it. But I guess it was ok, since I was already so thick-skinned. Funny thing was that actually never talked to her again. Sad to say. But her security was so tight after that! She always had this company of othe girls around her in the Mezza9 floor thereafter. And it would be so awkward and weird to just enter her cliche just like that. So I have to parry myself away from such situations. Very understandable. That's why the "theorem" that my senior told me is so true:
"To get to a girl, you have to get past her 'security' first.". For some guys, its no problem. For me. Ah. don't say lah. Can cry.
Fast forward to Prom night. And she was wandering around the center of the ballroom of the Ritz-Carlton hotel. Wow. Pretty girl made my heart race. Her best friend told me, "This is is your last chance to see her, to talk to her and to take a picture with her! Go! Go! Cause she's going overseas to study next month and you're enlisting very soon!"
Sad to say. I resisted. All the way till about 12.45a.m in the morning. Prom ended at 12.30a.m or so and everyone was still taking pictures. I thought that I had lost her already when I saw this whole queue of guys waiting to take a picture with her. My goodness. I didn't want to queue up. It would be so embarrassing to be at the last guy in the queue. So I hung around in the vicinity while every guy got their picture taken with her till there was no one left. Then before she went off. I asked her for a picture. So sad right? I'm such a loser at such situations. Well, I got my picture, a smile. And her driver whisked her away back home after that. If there was one photograph that I wanted really badly to see when I sent my pictures in for developing hours later. It was this one. The rest could be thrown away for all I care. But this one. Is the one I wanted badly and I was so relieved when it wasn't blur, over saturated, over exposed or whatever.
She's quite a normal person. Yet utterly captures my attention like no other. Well, she's now at one of the better universities on the West Side. Doing her studies and enjoying herself tremendously at that. Her best friend told me that she still flies back first class almost every semester break. Even if its for a few days only. I guess that's a luxury that not many people can afford.
During the time when I first met her and till prom night. She definitely changed my perspective as well as influenced greatly a few other of my key core values in life. The strangest thing was that, while she revealed to me what the meaning of the word "understanding" and "patience" and "longsuffering" in the Christian context was. Ironically, she was a hard up atheist that slept in during Chapel on Mondays. I know, cos I've seen her doze off on the lecture table before during praise and worship. Most of her "security" are also Christian. Yet I guess she left Him a long long time ago for reasons I will never know. God knows. I was really dissapointed when her best friend told me about such. And I realised that in life, I can't get everything I want in my preference.
So while it was rather childish, the experience and all. As well as the superficial actions that I indulged in for a passing of a moment of time. I look back sometimes and ponder, "what if" she had been a Christian. "What If" things changed to my favor. Then again. There are some things in life not worth thinking about, for they provide us with no clues or answers. But only stir up more questions of all kinds. It is my hope that she will get saved again someday. At the same time, I don't know what else to say except, "Life may be unfair. But God is fair."
For all my time in AC. I guess there are only two girls whom I really took a serious fancy to. The rest were a waste of my time to even think about or ponder nonsensicalities in the beginning. Looks, Talent and Personality might get you the girl of your dreams. But only excellent character on your part will keep your marriage together forever. Oftentimes, I do feel cynical about marriage. Its just a formality to live together and indulge in bedtime activities in some more conservative circles. Then again, it seems nowadays that people get attached as a sort of halfway point to being a boyfriend and girlfriend couple. And honestly, how many couples have you seen lately who are actually working seriously towards marriage? How many? Not many. In my whole life in ACJC, I've only counted 4. Sad to say that people nowadays prefer to get attached for the status, or as a demonstration of "skill in getting a pretty girl" or for all the wrong reasons except its original intended purpose.
I could say more about all this relational-theorems with regards to marriage. Yet I have to digress as it is far too huge a topic for me to even think through. Almost like stuffing a 1 GB file into a computer with just 32 MB of RAM. And then came her.
She was also a very beautiful girl. Absolutely flawless complexion and with a skin tone fair enough to model for SK-II. The strange thing was that she was originally attached to my former classmate. Who I have to salute for being one of those ACS guys with character, and was {Tall, Strong, Rich, Smart, Handsome}, that is, he satisfies the equations of the five-dimensional vector space. When I first met her, it was through a whole load of long-time ACS friends. And I know for a certain unspoken rule to avoid conflict in ACJC. The two golden rules were really simple:
1)Do not "steal" a friend's girlfriend
2)Do not date a friend's ex-girlfriend
With these two golden rules. I actually avoided all the potential "conflicts of interest" with regards to all my ACS friends. I never had any problems of any sort with them regardling their past or present relationships and generally, most people saw me as "little harm to their girlfriends". I guess its true. That I learn that I should not covet my neighbour's wife. Then again. Sometimes complications appear.
When I went back to ACJ after the first 3 months. For the 2nd intake, I saw her in school. And this time, she was single and available. While I can only describe her in terms of looks. I find it very difficult to personify her true character as well as pesonality. Yet, from all the things her ex-boyfriend declared to a number of us, would I be wrong as to safely say that she fell into the category of a nice decent girl who wasn't stuck up and not sucked into the passing pleasures of this world.
Its hard to imagine that only a few days after that, she got attached to an even better guy. This guy was literally {Taller, Stronger, Richer, Smarter} and more handsome than the previous boyfriend. And a person of a good heart too. Not stuck-up. Not arrogant, not proud and no hint of "an attitude problem". Too bad for me, so the two golden rules smashed into my face and she became the one girl I admired secretly. No one knew. Not even T-Squared, L-Squared, Jaimes, Prof. Wang. While I know they'll eventually read this post or so. Circumstances allow me to say this freely now because enough time has passed already.
One of my class girls was on very very good terms with her. They were actually childhood friends and had been classmates or schoolmates for the longest of times. On Thursdays when my class was having a period for recess, that same time slot would be her class biology tutorial time. And immediately after that, her recess time. The thing was that, our physics tutorial after recess would be held in the same classroom as her bio-tutorial. So, this was one of the few times that I always got to see her constantly. Of course, with her boyfriend in tow.
She was really smart. For a while a candidate for 2 S-papers, along with her boyfriend, till she decided to drop it off in favour of having more time for themselves and I understood it really well. She did really well for her A-levels and is in one of the very coveted slots in one of the faculty's in NUs now. In addition, her boyfriend has already gartnered a place for the medical faculty in one of the top American Universities. Well, I'll miss her for sure.
It has been a great pleasure to just seep into admiring a really nice girl for so long. In the few times that I've managed to converse with her, she is by nature a very pleasnt person. And while I do not know how as to say why I like her, apart from her looks as well as personality and character. She taught me the meaning of what it feels like to "be so near, and yet so faraway". As I have difficulty expressing my feelings. Its best that I do not write any further.
The last I heard of her, was that she's been doing really well in university and will soon be headed up to attend a top overseas university in America to complete her A.M/Ph.D in Molecular-Biology and Genetics. She stayed in Singapore for her University studies just so that she can spend weekends with her now officer-commissioned boyfriend. Talk about dedication. And I have tremendous respect for the both of them. Success in their own definition. The only girl in her entire combination in ACJ who had the maturity and character to work towards a serious committed marriage. Almost like her. In this case, being the opposite - a totally committed Christian who loves God fervently. How can I not help admire her?
While I won't dwell too much about her now. I wish her all the best in her life. Whichever man on this planet wins her heart. Will have a treasure more valuable than a shipload of gold in my honest opinion.
Lastly. I've finally come to her, the one person, who evokes the strongest emotions and feelings in me. She is no other, than the girl of my dreams. I reserve the bold for "she" and "her" for her alone. The one person who helped me to feel and to touch what emotions really are.
I met her when I was in secondary 4. At this Christian Fellowship camp that I was asked to go for, at the VERY last minute. I didn't want to go at all actually. What happened on the day itself was that I took the bus and somehow or other actually missed the stop and ended up at the interchange!
What complicates this all was that I originally signed up for the camp because I was told at last minute that this other particular girl that I used to like (not love) was going for it too. Yes, its really childish, but please, the original reason why I went to church when I was 13/14 was to "look for girls". And I'm not ashamed to say that I made such mistakes in the past. At least I'm willing to acknowledge them and change myself for the better. This particular girl, however, 4 years down the road, is a good friend of mine that I treasure immensely. So I thank God too for her.
I have neglected thus far to mention that for these three girls, who have been most influential in my life thus far, are all from the same school. You'd probably have guessed by now - MGS. that's why I could have kicked myself in the head when I realised that I missed the bus stop for MGS. Nonsense right? My batch had an affinity for MGS girls - some sort of "preferred girl's school". I know my juniors preferred RGS and SCGS. And now at my brother's batch. Apparently the preferred girl's school is St. Marg's...
Normally before any camp, there will always be a period of break in - the ice breaker. In this case it was held at the MGS basketball court. I still remember the day as it were yesterday. I walked up to the MGS concourse and dumped all my stuff for the camp there. Literally dumped all my stuff there. I was just slightly interested in God only. I actually came for the whole thing with the wrong focus in mind, body, soul and spirit. Funny thing was that I bumped into the girl I liked originally at the concourse. But she didn't take my fancy anymore. Probably a mood thing.
I trudged down to the basketball court for the much dreaded "ice-breaker". I was in school Uniform that time (pants baggy enough to stuff a few chickens inside). I sat down. And I saw her. And I thought I died and gone to heaven. I saw the most beautiful girl in my whole life till till as far as I have lived now. I thought for a while that I was looking at an angel, instead of a real human being. Believe me, when I came with the wrong focus in mind (i.e: girls!), I got dazed when I first saw her.
Then my mind brought me smashing back to earth. And I concluded. "She has a boyfriend!". At that time it was a random stab in the dark. I found out a few hours later that her then boyfriend was from ACS also. Oh my goodness! Why does it all "run in the family?" And till that time, I had known her boyfriend for 10 solid years in ACS. So it did come as a surprise to me that he never told us and kept it so low profile.
Till January till year, I have never met a girl nicer that her in my whole entire life. No other girl has influenced my thoughts and perspectives so greatly. Believe me, it only takes time to see through a girl with looks but no brains. She had brains, character, personality and beauty - all the elements of a dream girl. Even if I remove her beauty totally from her. Her depth of character is simply "wow!". Her level of maturity is at least 10 years ahead of her real age. There's no other person who moderated my childish beliefs into much more mature ones over so short a period of time. No other girl.
While I still do have my momentarily bouts of silly childishness (esp back in ACJ). I believe all those who've read the time where my posts were mostly philosophical would believe otherwise. I can't really judge myself, as it will be in unfair light. So I guess its best that I let other people judge me. Whether they feel that I've matured as a person, else still remained silly and childish. =)
I wish she had come to ACJC for her studies, yet this was not so. We got along extremely well as friends for a long period of time. Initially, she had been set on heading to ACJ to study. Then changed her mind to RJC. After all, she is a very bright girl too. Later on, things did not turn out the way it is and now she's studying overseas at a top university down under. Rather than go through the insecurities as well as the inevitablities of a long distance relationship. Circumstances dictated that I can only be friends with her.
Well. The last I heard of her? She's happily attached to some malaysian billionaire's son. The irony was that told her once that she could marry for money, and be a trophy wife to any extremely rich man out there. I was childish and her answer flattened me.
"Its not worth it to marry for money"
I heard that the billionaire's son had alot of trouble wooing her. Hahaha. Well So to those who actually read this far. I congratuate you. This post took me 3 hours to blog out. One end to the other end. Non-stop. I'm not going to check for spelling errors or the like. So I'll let it be as that. Yet, I'd appreciate comments. Even the fiery ones. After all, my character has a very long way to go. In the meantime, I'd like so say that even though these 3 girls have influenced and impacted me greately one way or another. She is a person I've now lost contact with. She is a person who've I've decided to steer clear from and to let her be happy with the man of her choice. And as for her. Well, since I've already left all this dating game things to the Lord a long long time ago. I'll smile and be very contented at her happiness.
I'm too tired to continue blogging any further. Originally I wanted to put down my "personal criteria" for a girl along with all the justifications. Yet I realise now its unnecessary. Because I guess I'll be happy with whoever God chooses for. I would say that I'm not fussy. Because I have to lower my expectations to avoid dissapointment in life. Reverend Charles once told me to share with him, my so-called "love story" when I finally get attached. Yet I am in no hurry,a nd feel no urge to press forward to look around even. I'm happy being literally swinging single first. While I let the Lord mould my character over time. Till then, I'll hug my camera in my arms and create.
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