Church - Honest Thoughts
(A very honest long post that will be here for about two weeks)
Its not everday in church that I get to serve God in three consecutive services back to back for the whole day starting at nine and ending the day at six. Funny how irrational serving ministry is. As far as I can recall, all the discouraging factors:
1)I have to stand for the whole service. That's two hours, maybe even longer. For three services as well.
2)I have to skip lunch, skip breakfast, not have a single drop to drink for the whole stretch and its really hard to get to the toilet when needed.
3)Its hectic, tough work, and I don't really enjoy the service fully and completely because I'm distracted half the time handling something or other.
4)Its very very tiring. When I go home, I usually fall asleep quite quickly.
5)I just burnt my sunday off day! And I only get one of it every month!
6)I could have slept longer at home, taken my own sweet time to get to church, left church early to "fellowship" and got home earlier to play my computer/camera/whatever.
7)The weather just makes it so much more worse when I'm stuck doing duty in the hot sun, and that happens all the time
8)I have to deal with pesky people who "don't like my face". (Oops!)
9)Its true, but I find tremendous resistance on a saturday night to skip duty on an early Sunday morning. Its like waking up as early as going to the base for a day shift
10)I never. Repeat - NEVER. Even have the opportunity to see members in my cell group. I'm like a ghost member - on the registry but NEVER around. Always seemingly doing some vanishing act or other. How sad indeed. And I'm in desperate need of social practice just so that I don't end up a cave hermit sometime in the future.
11)I don't know what else I can grumble about - just goes to speak volumes of my character, Christian or not. I have to admit however, that I'm quite a crappy Christian. Sigh-able indeed. Oh yes, did I mention that my shirt is half soaked in sweat by the time I get home? I have to walk that far from the MRT station to my house. Argh. Did I mention that I usually get the most "sai-kang duties" as well?
Sometimes, when the going gets tough, all this negativity just instantly pops up out of nowhere and floods into my brain cavity. It can be really really discouraging when I think about "all that I've done for God" and "it just sucks to be a bottom of the barrel member in the entire ministry".
And what's so great about serving three services? Or serving God in general?
1)I get to praise and worship God three times in one day. All with great music and great singing in a great spiritual atmosphere. I really love to sing to God. To me, this one reasons cancels out all the other negativity. Even if I can only praise and worship God for one service in some "un-worshipable" corner.
2)I can improve my character. Its such a slow process even a snail can crawl faster. And painful one too. Not to mention all the rebukes and chastenings I get for my ever-so-constant mistakes. And I can safely say that no one likes to make mistakes given our risk-adverse, mistake-fault-finding culture in singapore.
3)Doesn't God deserve my best? It doesn't take a doctorate in theology to know this... If not, why then bother to tithe, to give an offering, to sacrifice to God? If my giving doesn't touch me, it probably wouldn't touch God either.
4)God sees! Well of course if He sees all the wrong things we do, then He too must obviously see all the right things we do. Isn't it a great pleasure to bring a smile to God's face? Even if only for a while?
5)"Where my treasure is, my heart will be also". How true. So if my treasure really is with God, shouldn't my heart be with Him as well?
6)The rewards. Well, I comfort myself knowing that "my reward is in heaven". Yet physically tangible rewards are present to when I see more people getting saved at the end of a service. Or better commitments made. I did do something to help the service run smoothly, didn't I?
7)I could think of more reasons, then again, I don't. Maybe its just my natural pessismistic self to view positive things in as dim a light as can be, lest I over-expect and get disappointed as a result. Funny the extent I go to, to live a life as far away from disappointment as can be. (No wonder I'm not trying at all)
Reflections
I can admit. And I know that everyone around me see that I'm a crappy Christian. Somehow, sometimes I don't feel proud to be a Christian. I go to my base, where almost everyone is either an agnostic or non-Christian or even atheist and everyone laughs at me when I tell them that "my whole sunday was spent at Church". I mean "who the hell spends one full day in church right?". Worst is that still I don't seem to reflect God's glory in my workplace that He would like me too. Sigh.
And then when I'm at home? I guess my parents might still think that "I go to cellgroup to meet girls". After all, they've always thought that "I went to church to see girls". True. That was the original reason, but it was more than half a decade ago! And besides, there is only so many girls one can see and admire and REMEMBER clearly for posterity's sake. Well at least, its a blessing that cellgroup meetings, which they once forbade me to go to, are now held at my house. How ironic indeed. Yet I write this with a tinge of sadness, because everyone around me is simply so much on fire and so much more committed to God than I have ever been. So much for "trying to be a good Christian".
Even back in school. I was one person in lectures. Another person at tutorials and a different person altogether at CF. Hypocritical I guess? While I could easily pinpoint and blame my own personality disorders and immaturity. At the end of the day, it just shirks of not taking proper responsibility and living in denial. Or maybe just hoping to ignore such and such until a time passes that the problem will solve by itself. I guess it never happens.
Finally, there's church. I haven't even brought a single person to Christ yet in my whole life. Maybe the one person I brought that converted was my brother. But today, he can't even be bothered about God. And I brought yet another one of my good friends to church. Today, he too can't be bothered about God. In fact, he regularly requests that I accompany him to pubs on a Saturday night till the wee hours of the morning. A temptation to skip serving God? Maybe. But it feels that way.
Somehow, I'm the least involved member in service. The rest have commitments like being trainee cellgroup leaders, serving in not one, but two or even three different ministries, or simply have the job of the greeter, the birthday i/c, the organiser of special events and so on and so forth. Not to mention a good number of them are working part time to support themselves through university. Oh, how easy going my life really is! I've been complaining about things being too hard when I'm already on cruise control mode. And they bring more friends to church to be saved than I ever have.
At the end of the day, isn't it every single believer's job to spread the Good News and bring more people to have their names written in that Book of Life? To spend eternity in Heaven with them? Perhaps it only goes to show how unloving and uncaring I really am towards others. Selfish at the same time too.
Even then, at the end of the day, while I have learnt so much in church. I find it really difficult to put it into my life. Just the simple teaching.
"Say what you mean, mean what you say. Your word is your bond"
And I am floored already. If I can do as such, wouldn't it be just so ideal? What's the point of attempting to invite whatever number of friends that I already have when they look at me and my character and laugh church off as a waste of time. If I can't live that life that impacts other people positively, then what am I doing? Then what am I? Even the best few friends I made in ACJC are either seriously atheist, or seriously devout follower of some other religion or other. So, er, what am I or who am I to go out and try to convert them?
One hand, I agree with the logic that they should be saved. On the other hand, it wouldn't be nice to lose such a friendship right? Especially since I have so few friends... I find that I'm forever conflicting on which set of values to follow. Its like on one hand, I want to love God more. Yet I find it so hard to do so. And its really discouraging. While God doesn't expect me to be perfect, He does expect me to do my best. And I know I haven't been doing my best at all. Not once. Not ever yet. When does Amazing Grace cross over to crazy grace. Such a fine line. Likewise, doing my best and being perfect are more or less separated by such a fine line as well.
Then I do struggle to. Which do I chose? The way God wants me to go that will definitely put me in direct conflict with my parents. Or do I go my route that my parents expect me to go and miss all the open heavens and opportunities God has in store for me. Would I be willing to sacrifice all that I had just to do things that everyone else would consider to be crazy? Wonder how Jesus felt like being mocked at that Cross. "If you are really the Son of God, then come down from the cross!". Its quite hard a choice to make. I could easily siam, take cover or keng by saying "oh I'll just pray about it" but come to no decision. Funny how we Christians "pray about things" that don't really need any prayer and don't pray about the things that do need prayer.
I know I'm not supposed to go bow down before any graven image under heaven. Its God's commandment. But then what would I do when my parents insist that I go pray to ancestors and do that qing ming "festivities"? Worst, qing ming is always on a Sunday. Imagine the guilt I feel when I walk into church later on that day. How hard it is to praise a God that I dishonored that very morning! And honestly, I find it hard to keep my ten commandments too. I'm told not to covet. But how can I escape all of it in an especially material society like ours?
Yes I do find some books of the Bible boring too. If its not boring, then its very hard to understand exactly what's being written. I don't read my bible as often as I'm supposed to. And I don't pray as long as "recommended". Worst is that sometimes I fall asleep praying to God. Oh my goodness. What would God think such?
I'm not a very intellectual person. Just a person who enjoys reading abstract passages just for fun. But somehow I'm always surrounded by plenty of intellectuals that seem dead out to prove to me by reason, logic, philosophy or atheist quotes that God doesn't exist. Of course He exists! If He doesn't exist, then I'll be even worst a person than I am right now.
Yet at times I feel like I'm just "going through the motion". I know. I haven't been living the life that God wants me to live. Haven't been honoring the way He wants me to honor him. Maybe that's why I feel that we're sometimes so far apart. I too wonder "what is my life assignment" when pastor talks about it. I've never been really any good in all the things that I've attempted so far. I'm a disaster at sports. Lousy in my studies, poor in character... sigh. Sometimes, I too wonder, "what talents did God really really really give me" when pastor talks about using our talents to bless others. Oh please don't tell me photography. Because I'm quite below average in standard.
I don't think I'll ever make a leader in church. A good number of the Christians I know whether from CF, or from church or those AC friends who serve in their own churches are either cell leaders, musicians, senior ushers and stuff... At the same time, its quite sad to know that the person who brought me to church isn't in church anymore. And the person whom I'd always thought would be a buddhist all his life said hi to me in church today. Burnt out? Tired out? Or just sick of everything? I wonder sometimes if I'll ever end up like those on the wayside. Too discouraged to ever stand up and walk again on that straight and narrow path.
I love Jesus. But I don't want to say it and join all the hype. I just want my actions, my life, my words, my character and my personality to reflect and be like Him? Well yeah. Unless God works a few hundred miracles in my life, I don't think I'm ever going to reach there in this lifetime. It really isn't easy to be a Christian. Its harder to be a good Christian. I'm still a very long way from loving God and loving people unconditionally.
When I look back. Seriously, without Charles in my life in JC2, I wouldn't even go to church now. Ironically, I was at one of my lowest times of my life when I ended up at the CF camp in 2001. Actually I didn't want to go at all. But my form teacher thrust the form into my arms one day after economics tutorial and request and insisted that I go. The best thing was that the O level CL B fell on the second day of the camp. So I effectively got a 3 day 2 night experience instead of a 5 day 4 night one. And even after my exam, I reluctantly packed my bags for that camp. And somehow Aunty Ros has to call me up and tell me that she will drive all the way to my house to bring me tot he camp site in Sentosa as I was "hoping" to get lost and not find my way there. And I acted blur during the bible study sessions. Yet somehow someone had to give me his file which had a whole slew of notes meticulously copied out about the previous 2 days messages. I was more interested in playing games than worshipping God. After all, I was leading a shitty Christian life in JC1.
Even till the end. I didn't want to go for the altar call. But someone called Matt literally PUSHED and DRAGGED me to the front to be prayed for by Rev. Charles. And the rest is history. Well, once again I'm feeling really low in my spirits. Need to recharge. Need another real encounter with God. Feels like I haven't really progressed much in the last 2 years... sigh. Its amazing how just 1 prayer from a man of God can really impact and change my life in an instant. If God ever allows and wills and gives me the opportunity. I am willing to serve under Reverend Charles' Ministry when God gives him the green light to go ahead. I've been tremendously blessed by this one person, I really don't know what else to say... And honestly, I wish I could emulate him in Character, Spirituality, Personality, Wisdom, Knowledge and so on.
I love God. And I really want to be what God wants me to be as far as possible. Not for any personal self gain or glory or leadership roles or titles. I couldn't be bothered with such. All I want is just to put a smile on God's face. Is that too much to ask for? And I do thank God that even though I only know a tiny handful of people in Church, at least they're willing to walk me through the darkest and toughest valleys of life with a smile, constant encouragement and support. And I do want to complete the life assignment that God has assigned for me with whatever talent(s) He has given to me. I know it won't be easy. Even right now, I'm not running, not flying, not even walking. Somehow, it lies somewhere between trudging and crawling on that path God wants me to go on. Its really easy to give up and side by the wayside altogether. But I can't. Not now, not ever.
I wonder who ever read everything till here. But this is probably the most honest post I've written here in a long time. I'll be gone for a short while. God bless everybody. And me too.
(A very honest long post that will be here for about two weeks)
Its not everday in church that I get to serve God in three consecutive services back to back for the whole day starting at nine and ending the day at six. Funny how irrational serving ministry is. As far as I can recall, all the discouraging factors:
1)I have to stand for the whole service. That's two hours, maybe even longer. For three services as well.
2)I have to skip lunch, skip breakfast, not have a single drop to drink for the whole stretch and its really hard to get to the toilet when needed.
3)Its hectic, tough work, and I don't really enjoy the service fully and completely because I'm distracted half the time handling something or other.
4)Its very very tiring. When I go home, I usually fall asleep quite quickly.
5)I just burnt my sunday off day! And I only get one of it every month!
6)I could have slept longer at home, taken my own sweet time to get to church, left church early to "fellowship" and got home earlier to play my computer/camera/whatever.
7)The weather just makes it so much more worse when I'm stuck doing duty in the hot sun, and that happens all the time
8)I have to deal with pesky people who "don't like my face". (Oops!)
9)Its true, but I find tremendous resistance on a saturday night to skip duty on an early Sunday morning. Its like waking up as early as going to the base for a day shift
10)I never. Repeat - NEVER. Even have the opportunity to see members in my cell group. I'm like a ghost member - on the registry but NEVER around. Always seemingly doing some vanishing act or other. How sad indeed. And I'm in desperate need of social practice just so that I don't end up a cave hermit sometime in the future.
11)I don't know what else I can grumble about - just goes to speak volumes of my character, Christian or not. I have to admit however, that I'm quite a crappy Christian. Sigh-able indeed. Oh yes, did I mention that my shirt is half soaked in sweat by the time I get home? I have to walk that far from the MRT station to my house. Argh. Did I mention that I usually get the most "sai-kang duties" as well?
Sometimes, when the going gets tough, all this negativity just instantly pops up out of nowhere and floods into my brain cavity. It can be really really discouraging when I think about "all that I've done for God" and "it just sucks to be a bottom of the barrel member in the entire ministry".
And what's so great about serving three services? Or serving God in general?
1)I get to praise and worship God three times in one day. All with great music and great singing in a great spiritual atmosphere. I really love to sing to God. To me, this one reasons cancels out all the other negativity. Even if I can only praise and worship God for one service in some "un-worshipable" corner.
2)I can improve my character. Its such a slow process even a snail can crawl faster. And painful one too. Not to mention all the rebukes and chastenings I get for my ever-so-constant mistakes. And I can safely say that no one likes to make mistakes given our risk-adverse, mistake-fault-finding culture in singapore.
3)Doesn't God deserve my best? It doesn't take a doctorate in theology to know this... If not, why then bother to tithe, to give an offering, to sacrifice to God? If my giving doesn't touch me, it probably wouldn't touch God either.
4)God sees! Well of course if He sees all the wrong things we do, then He too must obviously see all the right things we do. Isn't it a great pleasure to bring a smile to God's face? Even if only for a while?
5)"Where my treasure is, my heart will be also". How true. So if my treasure really is with God, shouldn't my heart be with Him as well?
6)The rewards. Well, I comfort myself knowing that "my reward is in heaven". Yet physically tangible rewards are present to when I see more people getting saved at the end of a service. Or better commitments made. I did do something to help the service run smoothly, didn't I?
7)I could think of more reasons, then again, I don't. Maybe its just my natural pessismistic self to view positive things in as dim a light as can be, lest I over-expect and get disappointed as a result. Funny the extent I go to, to live a life as far away from disappointment as can be. (No wonder I'm not trying at all)
Reflections
I can admit. And I know that everyone around me see that I'm a crappy Christian. Somehow, sometimes I don't feel proud to be a Christian. I go to my base, where almost everyone is either an agnostic or non-Christian or even atheist and everyone laughs at me when I tell them that "my whole sunday was spent at Church". I mean "who the hell spends one full day in church right?". Worst is that still I don't seem to reflect God's glory in my workplace that He would like me too. Sigh.
And then when I'm at home? I guess my parents might still think that "I go to cellgroup to meet girls". After all, they've always thought that "I went to church to see girls". True. That was the original reason, but it was more than half a decade ago! And besides, there is only so many girls one can see and admire and REMEMBER clearly for posterity's sake. Well at least, its a blessing that cellgroup meetings, which they once forbade me to go to, are now held at my house. How ironic indeed. Yet I write this with a tinge of sadness, because everyone around me is simply so much on fire and so much more committed to God than I have ever been. So much for "trying to be a good Christian".
Even back in school. I was one person in lectures. Another person at tutorials and a different person altogether at CF. Hypocritical I guess? While I could easily pinpoint and blame my own personality disorders and immaturity. At the end of the day, it just shirks of not taking proper responsibility and living in denial. Or maybe just hoping to ignore such and such until a time passes that the problem will solve by itself. I guess it never happens.
Finally, there's church. I haven't even brought a single person to Christ yet in my whole life. Maybe the one person I brought that converted was my brother. But today, he can't even be bothered about God. And I brought yet another one of my good friends to church. Today, he too can't be bothered about God. In fact, he regularly requests that I accompany him to pubs on a Saturday night till the wee hours of the morning. A temptation to skip serving God? Maybe. But it feels that way.
Somehow, I'm the least involved member in service. The rest have commitments like being trainee cellgroup leaders, serving in not one, but two or even three different ministries, or simply have the job of the greeter, the birthday i/c, the organiser of special events and so on and so forth. Not to mention a good number of them are working part time to support themselves through university. Oh, how easy going my life really is! I've been complaining about things being too hard when I'm already on cruise control mode. And they bring more friends to church to be saved than I ever have.
At the end of the day, isn't it every single believer's job to spread the Good News and bring more people to have their names written in that Book of Life? To spend eternity in Heaven with them? Perhaps it only goes to show how unloving and uncaring I really am towards others. Selfish at the same time too.
Even then, at the end of the day, while I have learnt so much in church. I find it really difficult to put it into my life. Just the simple teaching.
"Say what you mean, mean what you say. Your word is your bond"
And I am floored already. If I can do as such, wouldn't it be just so ideal? What's the point of attempting to invite whatever number of friends that I already have when they look at me and my character and laugh church off as a waste of time. If I can't live that life that impacts other people positively, then what am I doing? Then what am I? Even the best few friends I made in ACJC are either seriously atheist, or seriously devout follower of some other religion or other. So, er, what am I or who am I to go out and try to convert them?
One hand, I agree with the logic that they should be saved. On the other hand, it wouldn't be nice to lose such a friendship right? Especially since I have so few friends... I find that I'm forever conflicting on which set of values to follow. Its like on one hand, I want to love God more. Yet I find it so hard to do so. And its really discouraging. While God doesn't expect me to be perfect, He does expect me to do my best. And I know I haven't been doing my best at all. Not once. Not ever yet. When does Amazing Grace cross over to crazy grace. Such a fine line. Likewise, doing my best and being perfect are more or less separated by such a fine line as well.
Then I do struggle to. Which do I chose? The way God wants me to go that will definitely put me in direct conflict with my parents. Or do I go my route that my parents expect me to go and miss all the open heavens and opportunities God has in store for me. Would I be willing to sacrifice all that I had just to do things that everyone else would consider to be crazy? Wonder how Jesus felt like being mocked at that Cross. "If you are really the Son of God, then come down from the cross!". Its quite hard a choice to make. I could easily siam, take cover or keng by saying "oh I'll just pray about it" but come to no decision. Funny how we Christians "pray about things" that don't really need any prayer and don't pray about the things that do need prayer.
I know I'm not supposed to go bow down before any graven image under heaven. Its God's commandment. But then what would I do when my parents insist that I go pray to ancestors and do that qing ming "festivities"? Worst, qing ming is always on a Sunday. Imagine the guilt I feel when I walk into church later on that day. How hard it is to praise a God that I dishonored that very morning! And honestly, I find it hard to keep my ten commandments too. I'm told not to covet. But how can I escape all of it in an especially material society like ours?
Yes I do find some books of the Bible boring too. If its not boring, then its very hard to understand exactly what's being written. I don't read my bible as often as I'm supposed to. And I don't pray as long as "recommended". Worst is that sometimes I fall asleep praying to God. Oh my goodness. What would God think such?
I'm not a very intellectual person. Just a person who enjoys reading abstract passages just for fun. But somehow I'm always surrounded by plenty of intellectuals that seem dead out to prove to me by reason, logic, philosophy or atheist quotes that God doesn't exist. Of course He exists! If He doesn't exist, then I'll be even worst a person than I am right now.
Yet at times I feel like I'm just "going through the motion". I know. I haven't been living the life that God wants me to live. Haven't been honoring the way He wants me to honor him. Maybe that's why I feel that we're sometimes so far apart. I too wonder "what is my life assignment" when pastor talks about it. I've never been really any good in all the things that I've attempted so far. I'm a disaster at sports. Lousy in my studies, poor in character... sigh. Sometimes, I too wonder, "what talents did God really really really give me" when pastor talks about using our talents to bless others. Oh please don't tell me photography. Because I'm quite below average in standard.
I don't think I'll ever make a leader in church. A good number of the Christians I know whether from CF, or from church or those AC friends who serve in their own churches are either cell leaders, musicians, senior ushers and stuff... At the same time, its quite sad to know that the person who brought me to church isn't in church anymore. And the person whom I'd always thought would be a buddhist all his life said hi to me in church today. Burnt out? Tired out? Or just sick of everything? I wonder sometimes if I'll ever end up like those on the wayside. Too discouraged to ever stand up and walk again on that straight and narrow path.
I love Jesus. But I don't want to say it and join all the hype. I just want my actions, my life, my words, my character and my personality to reflect and be like Him? Well yeah. Unless God works a few hundred miracles in my life, I don't think I'm ever going to reach there in this lifetime. It really isn't easy to be a Christian. Its harder to be a good Christian. I'm still a very long way from loving God and loving people unconditionally.
When I look back. Seriously, without Charles in my life in JC2, I wouldn't even go to church now. Ironically, I was at one of my lowest times of my life when I ended up at the CF camp in 2001. Actually I didn't want to go at all. But my form teacher thrust the form into my arms one day after economics tutorial and request and insisted that I go. The best thing was that the O level CL B fell on the second day of the camp. So I effectively got a 3 day 2 night experience instead of a 5 day 4 night one. And even after my exam, I reluctantly packed my bags for that camp. And somehow Aunty Ros has to call me up and tell me that she will drive all the way to my house to bring me tot he camp site in Sentosa as I was "hoping" to get lost and not find my way there. And I acted blur during the bible study sessions. Yet somehow someone had to give me his file which had a whole slew of notes meticulously copied out about the previous 2 days messages. I was more interested in playing games than worshipping God. After all, I was leading a shitty Christian life in JC1.
Even till the end. I didn't want to go for the altar call. But someone called Matt literally PUSHED and DRAGGED me to the front to be prayed for by Rev. Charles. And the rest is history. Well, once again I'm feeling really low in my spirits. Need to recharge. Need another real encounter with God. Feels like I haven't really progressed much in the last 2 years... sigh. Its amazing how just 1 prayer from a man of God can really impact and change my life in an instant. If God ever allows and wills and gives me the opportunity. I am willing to serve under Reverend Charles' Ministry when God gives him the green light to go ahead. I've been tremendously blessed by this one person, I really don't know what else to say... And honestly, I wish I could emulate him in Character, Spirituality, Personality, Wisdom, Knowledge and so on.
I love God. And I really want to be what God wants me to be as far as possible. Not for any personal self gain or glory or leadership roles or titles. I couldn't be bothered with such. All I want is just to put a smile on God's face. Is that too much to ask for? And I do thank God that even though I only know a tiny handful of people in Church, at least they're willing to walk me through the darkest and toughest valleys of life with a smile, constant encouragement and support. And I do want to complete the life assignment that God has assigned for me with whatever talent(s) He has given to me. I know it won't be easy. Even right now, I'm not running, not flying, not even walking. Somehow, it lies somewhere between trudging and crawling on that path God wants me to go on. Its really easy to give up and side by the wayside altogether. But I can't. Not now, not ever.
I wonder who ever read everything till here. But this is probably the most honest post I've written here in a long time. I'll be gone for a short while. God bless everybody. And me too.
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