I'm crushed. My hope for this june has all but vapourised in a moment of unexpectancy. My Church had planned for a missions trip to Israel this June in conjuction with another church from Sweden. However, with the assassination of the leader of Hamas in the West Bank and the very definite impending revenge as well as revolt attacks, my parents have decided otherwise to pay for my trip there.
Of course, I could technically pay for my short trip over there. But the general feeling is really bad when I go off on such things without my parent's blessings. So I'll honour them even though I so badly want to go. Half of me is raring to go despite whatsoever semblance of danger is being protrayed in the Media. The other half just feels like backing away and trashing the whole thing for the sake of "safety".
I've had a deep heart of expectancy to go to Israel this June. A tour that was part of the package would familiarise ourselves with what was being mentioned in the Bible and the like. I would head over to the Wailing Wall, Golgotha, Garden of Gethsemane, Church of the Nativity, Church of the Holy Sepulcre, the 12 stations of the Cross and so on and so forth. It runs very much in parrallel with The Passion of the The Christ being screened in movies theatre here. With regards to the movie, the first time they're ever using a "MA 18" rating on it.
Over last year, I've saved up my leave, whatever I had of it. I had to run around, renew my passport, then there's all the paper work associated with NSmen leaving the country as well as having been blessed with a new camera. I really want to go. It will not just be my very first missions trip at long last, but also a time where I believe I can increase my faith and be more committed to God. Now I don't know. It feels like a door has been slammed in my face.
Well, indeed, hope deferred really makes the heart sick. I'm feeling quite sad now. Can't believe all this has to happen. Of course, I'm not angry with God or anything, maybe He just wants to test my faith/patience a little wee bit before actually allowing me to go instead of letting it be all smooth-sailing all the way? I don't know.
At the same time, I have a feeling that I won't even go overseas to study. I may end up doing my studies in Singapore instead. Maybe it just isn't God's Will for me to do Liberal Arts/Medicine. Maybe I am dreaming dreams too crazy but they don't come from God. Maybe it is all about me and my self-seeking for glory nature. I guess that bringing Glory to God is a lot more difficult that it really is.
Whatever it is, I really hope that I can go. But if it is just not possible, then its ok. Although I'll definitely feel the sting when everyone who has gone from the trip comes back and tells me how awesome it was.
The other spoiler of the week was when I was actually trying to invite my non-Christian friends at the base to go watch The Passion of The Christ. My church is giving out free tickets in the hope that it will be an effective tool for evangelism. For me, I have not yet made evangelism a lifestyle, choosing most of the times to relate "secularly" to the world outside and "Christian" to all the people in church. Double-minded isn't it? Perhaps that is why I seem so unstable in all my ways.
The best part was that as I was trying to invite some of them, one of the guys happily just fished out a pirated DVD of the movie in front of me. I felt like the very means of reaching out to them was taken away from me right under my nose. The feeling is really horrible. Nevermind, at least I managed to get 2 friends down to watch the show. Better than nothing I guess.
Well at least I thank God for the humility to accept my faults and flaws without much adue. Am I just another unfinished work? I admit that sometimes I just don't listen to God or obey whatever He wants of me, even though I request the He call the shots. So maybe God just has to take more firm action to prevent me from running around like a little kid anymore.
Sigh.
Of course, I could technically pay for my short trip over there. But the general feeling is really bad when I go off on such things without my parent's blessings. So I'll honour them even though I so badly want to go. Half of me is raring to go despite whatsoever semblance of danger is being protrayed in the Media. The other half just feels like backing away and trashing the whole thing for the sake of "safety".
I've had a deep heart of expectancy to go to Israel this June. A tour that was part of the package would familiarise ourselves with what was being mentioned in the Bible and the like. I would head over to the Wailing Wall, Golgotha, Garden of Gethsemane, Church of the Nativity, Church of the Holy Sepulcre, the 12 stations of the Cross and so on and so forth. It runs very much in parrallel with The Passion of the The Christ being screened in movies theatre here. With regards to the movie, the first time they're ever using a "MA 18" rating on it.
Over last year, I've saved up my leave, whatever I had of it. I had to run around, renew my passport, then there's all the paper work associated with NSmen leaving the country as well as having been blessed with a new camera. I really want to go. It will not just be my very first missions trip at long last, but also a time where I believe I can increase my faith and be more committed to God. Now I don't know. It feels like a door has been slammed in my face.
Well, indeed, hope deferred really makes the heart sick. I'm feeling quite sad now. Can't believe all this has to happen. Of course, I'm not angry with God or anything, maybe He just wants to test my faith/patience a little wee bit before actually allowing me to go instead of letting it be all smooth-sailing all the way? I don't know.
At the same time, I have a feeling that I won't even go overseas to study. I may end up doing my studies in Singapore instead. Maybe it just isn't God's Will for me to do Liberal Arts/Medicine. Maybe I am dreaming dreams too crazy but they don't come from God. Maybe it is all about me and my self-seeking for glory nature. I guess that bringing Glory to God is a lot more difficult that it really is.
Whatever it is, I really hope that I can go. But if it is just not possible, then its ok. Although I'll definitely feel the sting when everyone who has gone from the trip comes back and tells me how awesome it was.
The other spoiler of the week was when I was actually trying to invite my non-Christian friends at the base to go watch The Passion of The Christ. My church is giving out free tickets in the hope that it will be an effective tool for evangelism. For me, I have not yet made evangelism a lifestyle, choosing most of the times to relate "secularly" to the world outside and "Christian" to all the people in church. Double-minded isn't it? Perhaps that is why I seem so unstable in all my ways.
The best part was that as I was trying to invite some of them, one of the guys happily just fished out a pirated DVD of the movie in front of me. I felt like the very means of reaching out to them was taken away from me right under my nose. The feeling is really horrible. Nevermind, at least I managed to get 2 friends down to watch the show. Better than nothing I guess.
Well at least I thank God for the humility to accept my faults and flaws without much adue. Am I just another unfinished work? I admit that sometimes I just don't listen to God or obey whatever He wants of me, even though I request the He call the shots. So maybe God just has to take more firm action to prevent me from running around like a little kid anymore.
Sigh.
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