I have so many thoughts in my head. Its all too confusing right now. Maybe I have to learn not to think about so many things at one go, it just manifests itself in a sudden crazy personality in me. Its just so weird. I know that everyone in the world has their great fair share of trials and tribulations. Perhaps to each his own.
I was thinking, perhaps everyone had an equal degree of suffering, some of course more, some of course less. Its like, in Africa where people are starving due to famine, drought and dying from AIDS, they don't exactly seem to have great family and emotional issues as their unity in essence is the very resilience to hang to to dear life.
Likewise in the more developed countries, people face things more like academic pressure, emotional woes, money woes and economics worries. Its like in this case, we have all necessary for our survival, just that our level of acceptance is much different our level of expectation and this causes conflict in many areas of our lives.
I honestly don't know what I'm rambling about, but felt I just had to put it out this way and "get it off my chest". Whoever can decipher, I applaud. Apparently no one understands me (God not included) most of the times. Not even my family.
Somehow after thinking through my value systems and priorities in life, I realise my greatest flaws in character is that of apathy as well as being of a stubborn heart. I usually don't change my mind once I've made it up. Perhaps even too proud to do an about turn and change my intended course. Yet I don't want to end up like a Titanic.
After thinking through as much as I can ever ponder. I've come to the conclusion that the greatest thing in life is not to love and to be loved. But it is simply put it, love. Phileos, Eros and Agape. Love is the greatest thing that ever is. It is the binding energy, the force of unison, the power to change, the resilience of spirit soul mind and body and it is what makes the world the world in its best essence.
As cliched as it might sound. I realise that after all this time, that the intangibles of life are truly the things that really really matter to us. No doubt, tangibles like money, academics, materialisms and so on do matter to a certain extent. But when I've come to the end of my life and I look back. What do I really really really see?
Suddenly I realise that all the results in my life don't exactly matter. Its not how many A's I got for my exams, how many billions of dollars I made and gave to charity, how many girls I managed to date and so on. Then I realise things like how much time did I really give up for those who were less disadvantaged in society, what did I do to help those who can't help themselves, and even perhaps, who are the people whom I've regretted never ever bringing them to church. Or even opening my mouth to ASK them.
It is the things that are unseen that last forever. In the span of a great length of time, personality fades away to reveal true character, actions and words said from the past suddenly seem to be interpreted in a totally different perspective. And it scary. Imagine all the people we hurt with our words when we didn't even know. And all the actions we did that might have ruined the lives of other for our own selfish personal gains.
And what about Faith? What about my walk with God. Woud I see myself as a person who runs through the finishing line victoriously or would I see myself having crashed in my faith long before? I don't know. I honestly don't know. Perhaps a word that characterises my life as a Christian would simply be the word - Struggle. Its like so easy and yet so hard to be a Christian.
Success is important. We need to feed our families, provide them with a good life, pay for their health upkeeps. We need to learn to enjoy life as it is, perhaps even of what the world has to offer. But really, what I do crave about is to live a life of significance. I realise that most people can't even remember who the President's Scholar was 10 years ago, or who is Singapore's Richest Man. But mention Mother Theresa and everyone gives a nod of deep understanding.
Most people don't even remember the general who led the war that Florence Nightingale worked ever so tirelessly to nurse wounded soldiers from the battlefield. I can't even remember who gave me how much for my Ang Pows at Chinese New Year this year, yet I can recall who has been extraordinarily kind to me. Tangibles vs. Intagibles. I-deals vs. Ideals.
Who are the people who live lives of significance and yet are not counted successful? The doctor or the Nurse? The Psychologist or the Social Worker? The Businessman or The Missionary? Or perhaps, the Lawyer and The Religious Leader? I know its not very good comparisons, but somehow, I have an inkling that if life is to be led to the very end of what existence can be categorically defined as. Then perhaps it is in the life of significance that really overules the successful.
Of course there are great trade offs. Whoever heard of a nurse being treated at a 6 Star Hotel banquet for all efforts put into nursing others back into health. There is much to give up in terms of tangibles, in return for a more illustrious intangible. Of course, this will not sit well with most people who have been primed to note that success is probably one of the most important thing of existence.
It is good to be excellent, to be the best to do very well in the things of the world, in the world of tangibles, but it is even more important to keep sight of the intangibles and perhaps even considering them a more important priority in life. Love is just one intangible, so is kindness, care, faith, hope, unity and so on. Things that are not seen are often taken for granted or not believed in.
To me, after Love, probably the most important thing to me is family. As much as I am an anti-social person and keep to myself all the time and for the fact that I don't even communicate with my family members and that my family is rather dysfunctional one, in the end, I do care about my Dad, Mum and Brother. As screwed up as everything really is.
I agree with the logic that with Men of excellent character, there will be strong familes and strong families will build strong societies and social orders. Its biblical, I believe. No wonder the evil constantly seeks to tear society apart by attacking families. Maybe I'm not in the best family around right now. But what I would say is that I do desire to be a person of excellence character - good is not good enough.
Perhaps one day, when God has moulded me and fired my character in a furnace that I will have the character attributes that God really wants to see in His Children. Full of Peace, Love, Gentleness, Kindness, Joy, Patience, Goodness, Faithfulness and Self Control and more. These are very difficult character attributes to attain. Not to mention the 7 things God commands us to add to our faith.
I can honestly say that I'm quite bad in my faith. In fact, I could bluntly put it that I am backsliding. It is a very tough journey, very difficult and very hard for me indeed. I struggle most of the time in my faith. Sometimes, I do find it very hard to even stand up and walk. Most of the times I'm just crawling around.
I do feel that I'm not really living up to my purpose for life. Even right now I don't have a clear idea of my purpose. I'm not even sure of what goals to set in life. Such is the apathy in my life. Perhaps even after setting goals, I don't feel the deep urge or motivation to go do them. It just doesn't "feel right" most of the time. I know that I have to develop excellent Character. Yet honestly, doing the bare minimum is already hard enough as it is.
Family means a lot to me. I do feel the pain in other people when I see how miserable their family life is. And this is despite having this icy-cold exterior intending to upkeep a hard skinned macho image. I'm quite vunerable inside. I do feel the pain of other people, just that I very seldom talk about it, even rarer that I show it. Perhaps I'm too controlled a person. Its like a division that does no good to me or any one around me. I don't know.
93% of people believe that it is God's will for some people to be single or they are not sure about such a purpose. I could say that I am sitting in between the fence of both camps. Its like one side of me says, "Get Attached! Get a Girlfriend!" Then the more "resoning side of me" goes, "No... You have to WAIT for God first". Then another part goes, "Ah Heck it lah! I don't care about girls!". This one I have "chucked it" to God a very long time ago. I don't know how things will be.
I do find it humourous that a schoolmate from ACJC days puts "Find a Nice Girl" as one of his goals. On one hand its funny, on the other it speaks of something more serious and something to relate on a very deep level. Oh this is so confusing. Its such a complex issue that I can summarise down into two paths. 1) God gives me "a nice girl" and I'll do whatever it takes to be the best family man around. 2) God keeps me single and then I'll run around the world living the life of an uncommitted person. Both have their perks as well as downfalls. But I'll definitely let God call the shots on this one, as much as I am a person who often insists on having things done my way and not God's way. Despite not being a good Christian.
Adulthood looms, a life heavy with responsibilities lies ahead. What can I say? I don't know seems to be the best answer. Maybe I'll lose myself in work, or maybe something will happen that will either mess up my life more or perhaps give me a more defining sense of purpose in life. It can be so daunting at times, so discouraging just to look at the future and see how I can relate to it now only in mediocre terms.
Likewise, perhaps the path we walk now is really bumpy and messy and screwed up. Perhaps it winds around in weird way and ends abruptly at some points. Funny when we look back that things really looked the best they really were. Today, brother, after having failed his JC1 in the science combination, repeated his JC1 in the Arts faculty in probably the coolest Arts Class I've ever seen in ACJC, scored straight A's with an A1 in GP today. He got 3 years of the best time of his life.
I realise after all this that I am an ARTS student after all. I ought to have repeated as well and gone to ARTS. Join him in a super ultra funky ARTS class and have that same spirit of excellence. It is no surprise that his class has a great number of people with Straight A's, enough to rival the AHs.
The Christian Fellowship did very well too. Joel Goh (9 distinctions 2001) wants to be a Pastor. Winston Chin (9 Distinctions, President's Scholar) is like SOOOOO HOLY a Christian and now Gabriel has Nine Disctinctions to his credit and he is the Pianist in Christian Fellowship! Quite a number on the committe have excelled with their 7, 6, 5 and 4 Distinctions as well. It is almost like a repeat of my year where we had 9 all the way to 1 As. Hahahahaha!
I think God is really really faithful. He really honours those who honour Him. As much as I didn't believe this in the past, I now can say it with much conviction that He really means what He says. And as much as I have been SO unfaithful to Him all these years, God is still faithful to me. For all the times we have failed Him, He has remained faithful, good and kind to us. Whether I stay in a local university or go overseas and study is just a symbol of God's faithfulness towards me. Whatever happens, I'll be thankful for the opportunities that I have in life.
Looking forward, the future looks really scary at times. Looking back, I can see how God has worked His way in my life. I'm probably not the guy with the best testimony out there, but perhaps my life message would be of God's faithfulness towards me. In Spite of all my unfaithfulness towards Him. God is Great! That is why I put my trust in the intangibles of this world rather than the tangibles.
I want to take this opportunity, for whoever who has read this this ending to just encourage you. No matter how bumpy and rough the path really is. And how dark the future might seem. Remember, results are just a tangible of the world. Look back from now and see how things have worked out thus far. Look back from the future and one will realise how much more important the intangibles of life overide the tangibles.
I was thinking, perhaps everyone had an equal degree of suffering, some of course more, some of course less. Its like, in Africa where people are starving due to famine, drought and dying from AIDS, they don't exactly seem to have great family and emotional issues as their unity in essence is the very resilience to hang to to dear life.
Likewise in the more developed countries, people face things more like academic pressure, emotional woes, money woes and economics worries. Its like in this case, we have all necessary for our survival, just that our level of acceptance is much different our level of expectation and this causes conflict in many areas of our lives.
I honestly don't know what I'm rambling about, but felt I just had to put it out this way and "get it off my chest". Whoever can decipher, I applaud. Apparently no one understands me (God not included) most of the times. Not even my family.
Somehow after thinking through my value systems and priorities in life, I realise my greatest flaws in character is that of apathy as well as being of a stubborn heart. I usually don't change my mind once I've made it up. Perhaps even too proud to do an about turn and change my intended course. Yet I don't want to end up like a Titanic.
After thinking through as much as I can ever ponder. I've come to the conclusion that the greatest thing in life is not to love and to be loved. But it is simply put it, love. Phileos, Eros and Agape. Love is the greatest thing that ever is. It is the binding energy, the force of unison, the power to change, the resilience of spirit soul mind and body and it is what makes the world the world in its best essence.
As cliched as it might sound. I realise that after all this time, that the intangibles of life are truly the things that really really matter to us. No doubt, tangibles like money, academics, materialisms and so on do matter to a certain extent. But when I've come to the end of my life and I look back. What do I really really really see?
Suddenly I realise that all the results in my life don't exactly matter. Its not how many A's I got for my exams, how many billions of dollars I made and gave to charity, how many girls I managed to date and so on. Then I realise things like how much time did I really give up for those who were less disadvantaged in society, what did I do to help those who can't help themselves, and even perhaps, who are the people whom I've regretted never ever bringing them to church. Or even opening my mouth to ASK them.
It is the things that are unseen that last forever. In the span of a great length of time, personality fades away to reveal true character, actions and words said from the past suddenly seem to be interpreted in a totally different perspective. And it scary. Imagine all the people we hurt with our words when we didn't even know. And all the actions we did that might have ruined the lives of other for our own selfish personal gains.
And what about Faith? What about my walk with God. Woud I see myself as a person who runs through the finishing line victoriously or would I see myself having crashed in my faith long before? I don't know. I honestly don't know. Perhaps a word that characterises my life as a Christian would simply be the word - Struggle. Its like so easy and yet so hard to be a Christian.
Success is important. We need to feed our families, provide them with a good life, pay for their health upkeeps. We need to learn to enjoy life as it is, perhaps even of what the world has to offer. But really, what I do crave about is to live a life of significance. I realise that most people can't even remember who the President's Scholar was 10 years ago, or who is Singapore's Richest Man. But mention Mother Theresa and everyone gives a nod of deep understanding.
Most people don't even remember the general who led the war that Florence Nightingale worked ever so tirelessly to nurse wounded soldiers from the battlefield. I can't even remember who gave me how much for my Ang Pows at Chinese New Year this year, yet I can recall who has been extraordinarily kind to me. Tangibles vs. Intagibles. I-deals vs. Ideals.
Who are the people who live lives of significance and yet are not counted successful? The doctor or the Nurse? The Psychologist or the Social Worker? The Businessman or The Missionary? Or perhaps, the Lawyer and The Religious Leader? I know its not very good comparisons, but somehow, I have an inkling that if life is to be led to the very end of what existence can be categorically defined as. Then perhaps it is in the life of significance that really overules the successful.
Of course there are great trade offs. Whoever heard of a nurse being treated at a 6 Star Hotel banquet for all efforts put into nursing others back into health. There is much to give up in terms of tangibles, in return for a more illustrious intangible. Of course, this will not sit well with most people who have been primed to note that success is probably one of the most important thing of existence.
It is good to be excellent, to be the best to do very well in the things of the world, in the world of tangibles, but it is even more important to keep sight of the intangibles and perhaps even considering them a more important priority in life. Love is just one intangible, so is kindness, care, faith, hope, unity and so on. Things that are not seen are often taken for granted or not believed in.
To me, after Love, probably the most important thing to me is family. As much as I am an anti-social person and keep to myself all the time and for the fact that I don't even communicate with my family members and that my family is rather dysfunctional one, in the end, I do care about my Dad, Mum and Brother. As screwed up as everything really is.
I agree with the logic that with Men of excellent character, there will be strong familes and strong families will build strong societies and social orders. Its biblical, I believe. No wonder the evil constantly seeks to tear society apart by attacking families. Maybe I'm not in the best family around right now. But what I would say is that I do desire to be a person of excellence character - good is not good enough.
Perhaps one day, when God has moulded me and fired my character in a furnace that I will have the character attributes that God really wants to see in His Children. Full of Peace, Love, Gentleness, Kindness, Joy, Patience, Goodness, Faithfulness and Self Control and more. These are very difficult character attributes to attain. Not to mention the 7 things God commands us to add to our faith.
I can honestly say that I'm quite bad in my faith. In fact, I could bluntly put it that I am backsliding. It is a very tough journey, very difficult and very hard for me indeed. I struggle most of the time in my faith. Sometimes, I do find it very hard to even stand up and walk. Most of the times I'm just crawling around.
I do feel that I'm not really living up to my purpose for life. Even right now I don't have a clear idea of my purpose. I'm not even sure of what goals to set in life. Such is the apathy in my life. Perhaps even after setting goals, I don't feel the deep urge or motivation to go do them. It just doesn't "feel right" most of the time. I know that I have to develop excellent Character. Yet honestly, doing the bare minimum is already hard enough as it is.
Family means a lot to me. I do feel the pain in other people when I see how miserable their family life is. And this is despite having this icy-cold exterior intending to upkeep a hard skinned macho image. I'm quite vunerable inside. I do feel the pain of other people, just that I very seldom talk about it, even rarer that I show it. Perhaps I'm too controlled a person. Its like a division that does no good to me or any one around me. I don't know.
93% of people believe that it is God's will for some people to be single or they are not sure about such a purpose. I could say that I am sitting in between the fence of both camps. Its like one side of me says, "Get Attached! Get a Girlfriend!" Then the more "resoning side of me" goes, "No... You have to WAIT for God first". Then another part goes, "Ah Heck it lah! I don't care about girls!". This one I have "chucked it" to God a very long time ago. I don't know how things will be.
I do find it humourous that a schoolmate from ACJC days puts "Find a Nice Girl" as one of his goals. On one hand its funny, on the other it speaks of something more serious and something to relate on a very deep level. Oh this is so confusing. Its such a complex issue that I can summarise down into two paths. 1) God gives me "a nice girl" and I'll do whatever it takes to be the best family man around. 2) God keeps me single and then I'll run around the world living the life of an uncommitted person. Both have their perks as well as downfalls. But I'll definitely let God call the shots on this one, as much as I am a person who often insists on having things done my way and not God's way. Despite not being a good Christian.
Adulthood looms, a life heavy with responsibilities lies ahead. What can I say? I don't know seems to be the best answer. Maybe I'll lose myself in work, or maybe something will happen that will either mess up my life more or perhaps give me a more defining sense of purpose in life. It can be so daunting at times, so discouraging just to look at the future and see how I can relate to it now only in mediocre terms.
Likewise, perhaps the path we walk now is really bumpy and messy and screwed up. Perhaps it winds around in weird way and ends abruptly at some points. Funny when we look back that things really looked the best they really were. Today, brother, after having failed his JC1 in the science combination, repeated his JC1 in the Arts faculty in probably the coolest Arts Class I've ever seen in ACJC, scored straight A's with an A1 in GP today. He got 3 years of the best time of his life.
I realise after all this that I am an ARTS student after all. I ought to have repeated as well and gone to ARTS. Join him in a super ultra funky ARTS class and have that same spirit of excellence. It is no surprise that his class has a great number of people with Straight A's, enough to rival the AHs.
The Christian Fellowship did very well too. Joel Goh (9 distinctions 2001) wants to be a Pastor. Winston Chin (9 Distinctions, President's Scholar) is like SOOOOO HOLY a Christian and now Gabriel has Nine Disctinctions to his credit and he is the Pianist in Christian Fellowship! Quite a number on the committe have excelled with their 7, 6, 5 and 4 Distinctions as well. It is almost like a repeat of my year where we had 9 all the way to 1 As. Hahahahaha!
I think God is really really faithful. He really honours those who honour Him. As much as I didn't believe this in the past, I now can say it with much conviction that He really means what He says. And as much as I have been SO unfaithful to Him all these years, God is still faithful to me. For all the times we have failed Him, He has remained faithful, good and kind to us. Whether I stay in a local university or go overseas and study is just a symbol of God's faithfulness towards me. Whatever happens, I'll be thankful for the opportunities that I have in life.
Looking forward, the future looks really scary at times. Looking back, I can see how God has worked His way in my life. I'm probably not the guy with the best testimony out there, but perhaps my life message would be of God's faithfulness towards me. In Spite of all my unfaithfulness towards Him. God is Great! That is why I put my trust in the intangibles of this world rather than the tangibles.
I want to take this opportunity, for whoever who has read this this ending to just encourage you. No matter how bumpy and rough the path really is. And how dark the future might seem. Remember, results are just a tangible of the world. Look back from now and see how things have worked out thus far. Look back from the future and one will realise how much more important the intangibles of life overide the tangibles.
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