I just want to thank the person who lands on this blog regularly for reading it. A big heart of thanks to those who often leave comments. I really value comments, in a sense, at least to me, I feel that whatever feedback I receive, whatever it may be, means that whatever I have written has been appreciated to a certain degree. For that I'm thankful.
I realise that if I take away all forms of academic studies, all goals that I set for myself in this world, all the things that I am constantly busy with and all the friends that I have. What is left of me? Indeed, I realise that what is left of me is remnant of the true person that I really am. Who am I under the veil and mask of disguise of activities, personality, studies and so on?
At the end of the day, I can honestly say that I am still not very clear of my purpose in life. I am really tugged at deeply in my heart into two or more very very separate directions. For the most part of my life I have put off the decision to decide what I really really want to do with my life. Its very easy to say that "I want to live my life for God". But when I just take that first step, the resistance I feel is just so challenging. I feel so tempted to step back, look back in fact and to consider other options.
I love God very much. Even though I may not be a very good Christian, nor the Christian that I really want to be or the person that God wants me to be. Sometimes, I find it pointless to say "God I love you" when clearly the actions and the things in my life clearly declare otherwise. Sometimes, I feel that I ought not to say "God I love you" because it just reads like a complete lie to my mind, that I am really not living the way He really wants me to live.
I can't just stick to the Christian basics, my whole life has to revolve around Him. And as silly as it sounds, I don't care anymore. Sometimes, deep in my heart, I feel so incredibly compelled to just forsake everything I've worked my life for thus far and to just drop everything and go and serve God full-time. I'm not in it for the money, respect, or secondary gains. It just feels right for me. Its like, doesn't matter how stressful it is, how low the pay is, how much persecution I might face. I just have a deep heart to help people.
As uncaring and unloving and selfish and proud as I am. Yes I'm guilty of them. I do love people very much. I just don't show it to anyone. My heart longs to keep loving all groups of people, whilst my mind consciously chooses to ignore my emotions and instead desires to seal up all semblances of "weaknesses" that a "man should not display". I will be so much a happier working hand in hand with God to fix up broken lives and broken marriages than to earn a few million dollars a year. Money is no doubt very important, but I believe that should I do everything that God wants me to do, He will ensure that I will have more than enough. Another big leap of faith for me over there.
At the same time, I'm really really really wondering if I ought to take some pre-medical studies in the university. I've always had a heart to cure the sick. Seeing people sick makes my heart feel painful. As strange as that might sound. I cannot walk through a hospital world without feeling a deep sense of sadness. Like my physics teacher once said to me:
"If you think your life really sucks. Then go and walk through a hospital ward. See all the people who are sick and dying and suffering in pain. Maybe that will change your perception towards life and you will find that you're life isn't so sucks anymore"
Its so true. I go to an old folk's home and then I see so many sick old people dumped by their families waiting for a call from death. It just repulses me. i walk through the wards and see all sorts of sick people and I do feel compelled to help them in some way or other. Even though I'm quite a weird person. Perhaps I only become really sane inside a chaotic world of a hospital where worlds collide.
I'll do the pre-medical studies purely out of interest and fun. It does not matter if I do not qualify for medical school or other. All I want is the basic knowledge about medicine such that no doctor will be able to smoke me and my loved ones. I still get to chose arts and humanities disciplines far from my concentration and at the same time I get to major in Mathematics. Everything's on track just for the addition of pre-medical studies.
I'll only be a doctor if by God's grace I win a scholarship to study medicine in the States. I do not want to burden my parents financially anymore. I want them to enjoy their life and whatever money they have worked so hard for in their life. After degree, everything is up to me. I will no longer lean upon them. I will come back to Singapore. Maybe even then someone might just sponser me to study medicine at the John Hopkins University branch.
This all sounds so crazy. I want to be a scientist, I want to be a doctor, I want to be a math major and a guy with a Ph.D in physics. It all just doesn't add up. My purpose to write all the crazy thoughts in my head now are for me to re-read this and consider them in another perspective. I believe that we often tend to read things slightly differently the second time round.
I cannot stand sick people. Whatever it is, I value the health of others more than my own. I feel so compelled to help sick people recover and I can't stand it when doctors just seem so incompetant at times. If they can't do it then I will have to. I'm just thinking in a very positive and pro-active manner in this case. My Ph.D in physics is till going to be a goal, one that I will certainly attain in this lifetime only for the basis of pure fun and no more. And yes, everyone I've met thinks I'm totally weird in this aspect.
Someone whom I barely know just came up to me over the weekend and said straight to my face that "you should be a mathematician". Indeed, as much as I will put effort to balance my knowledge from the ARTS to the humanities and the social sciences, I will most probably be a person with a mind meant to think in abstract concepts and theorems. Like someone once told me, I am just too abstract at times and maybe perhaps that is one reason why people cannot understand me and I cannot communicate effectively with others.
One thing that really hits me about having a medical degree? Its the most unlikely thing. In fact, I was told that with a medical degree, i could gain a visa to any country in the world. Even if its a closed country like Iran or North Korea. Honestly, if there was someone to sponser medicine, medical supplies and provisions. I wouldn't mind going to North Korea to treat the people there for free. My life isn't so important in comparison to seeing a million people die of starvation at any one period of time. It just sucks. But visa to North Korea? MISSIONS!!!!!
Academically, this is so crazy and I will have to pray about it. Get a A.B degree with a major in mathematics studying all the subjects that I love/like and balance it with humanities, social sciences, arts subjects furthest from my major. At the same time, take pre-medical classes. Stretch myself to do 5 modules per semester.instead of 4. Then M.B.A and later, Ph.D. But if God is willing. Then I will go to medical school and be a doctor. And I'll be more than happy to treat people for free. I'm not motivated by money. I'm motivated by love.
Singapore's medical system should be modelled after New Zealand's. Nurses there have to take 5 year degree course and being a nurse is most highly respected profession in the country. And not to mention, they select doctors not because of grades and motivation for the potential to earn huge amounts of money, but simply for the desire to cure people. Not to mention that they are well versed in EQ. I don't understand why doctors in Singapore seem to all fall into a stereotype:
"graduate from NUS. work for three years in the public sector. jumpship to the private sector to earn big bucks. low eq" And you notice that practically all the polyclinics are stocked with young doctors who have just come out of the university? Nowonder, now we know. To have a truly good health care system. We need to doctors and nurses who are motivated to heal the sick and not motivated by money and potential job prospects.
I realise that if I take away all forms of academic studies, all goals that I set for myself in this world, all the things that I am constantly busy with and all the friends that I have. What is left of me? Indeed, I realise that what is left of me is remnant of the true person that I really am. Who am I under the veil and mask of disguise of activities, personality, studies and so on?
At the end of the day, I can honestly say that I am still not very clear of my purpose in life. I am really tugged at deeply in my heart into two or more very very separate directions. For the most part of my life I have put off the decision to decide what I really really want to do with my life. Its very easy to say that "I want to live my life for God". But when I just take that first step, the resistance I feel is just so challenging. I feel so tempted to step back, look back in fact and to consider other options.
I love God very much. Even though I may not be a very good Christian, nor the Christian that I really want to be or the person that God wants me to be. Sometimes, I find it pointless to say "God I love you" when clearly the actions and the things in my life clearly declare otherwise. Sometimes, I feel that I ought not to say "God I love you" because it just reads like a complete lie to my mind, that I am really not living the way He really wants me to live.
I can't just stick to the Christian basics, my whole life has to revolve around Him. And as silly as it sounds, I don't care anymore. Sometimes, deep in my heart, I feel so incredibly compelled to just forsake everything I've worked my life for thus far and to just drop everything and go and serve God full-time. I'm not in it for the money, respect, or secondary gains. It just feels right for me. Its like, doesn't matter how stressful it is, how low the pay is, how much persecution I might face. I just have a deep heart to help people.
As uncaring and unloving and selfish and proud as I am. Yes I'm guilty of them. I do love people very much. I just don't show it to anyone. My heart longs to keep loving all groups of people, whilst my mind consciously chooses to ignore my emotions and instead desires to seal up all semblances of "weaknesses" that a "man should not display". I will be so much a happier working hand in hand with God to fix up broken lives and broken marriages than to earn a few million dollars a year. Money is no doubt very important, but I believe that should I do everything that God wants me to do, He will ensure that I will have more than enough. Another big leap of faith for me over there.
At the same time, I'm really really really wondering if I ought to take some pre-medical studies in the university. I've always had a heart to cure the sick. Seeing people sick makes my heart feel painful. As strange as that might sound. I cannot walk through a hospital world without feeling a deep sense of sadness. Like my physics teacher once said to me:
"If you think your life really sucks. Then go and walk through a hospital ward. See all the people who are sick and dying and suffering in pain. Maybe that will change your perception towards life and you will find that you're life isn't so sucks anymore"
Its so true. I go to an old folk's home and then I see so many sick old people dumped by their families waiting for a call from death. It just repulses me. i walk through the wards and see all sorts of sick people and I do feel compelled to help them in some way or other. Even though I'm quite a weird person. Perhaps I only become really sane inside a chaotic world of a hospital where worlds collide.
I'll do the pre-medical studies purely out of interest and fun. It does not matter if I do not qualify for medical school or other. All I want is the basic knowledge about medicine such that no doctor will be able to smoke me and my loved ones. I still get to chose arts and humanities disciplines far from my concentration and at the same time I get to major in Mathematics. Everything's on track just for the addition of pre-medical studies.
I'll only be a doctor if by God's grace I win a scholarship to study medicine in the States. I do not want to burden my parents financially anymore. I want them to enjoy their life and whatever money they have worked so hard for in their life. After degree, everything is up to me. I will no longer lean upon them. I will come back to Singapore. Maybe even then someone might just sponser me to study medicine at the John Hopkins University branch.
This all sounds so crazy. I want to be a scientist, I want to be a doctor, I want to be a math major and a guy with a Ph.D in physics. It all just doesn't add up. My purpose to write all the crazy thoughts in my head now are for me to re-read this and consider them in another perspective. I believe that we often tend to read things slightly differently the second time round.
I cannot stand sick people. Whatever it is, I value the health of others more than my own. I feel so compelled to help sick people recover and I can't stand it when doctors just seem so incompetant at times. If they can't do it then I will have to. I'm just thinking in a very positive and pro-active manner in this case. My Ph.D in physics is till going to be a goal, one that I will certainly attain in this lifetime only for the basis of pure fun and no more. And yes, everyone I've met thinks I'm totally weird in this aspect.
Someone whom I barely know just came up to me over the weekend and said straight to my face that "you should be a mathematician". Indeed, as much as I will put effort to balance my knowledge from the ARTS to the humanities and the social sciences, I will most probably be a person with a mind meant to think in abstract concepts and theorems. Like someone once told me, I am just too abstract at times and maybe perhaps that is one reason why people cannot understand me and I cannot communicate effectively with others.
One thing that really hits me about having a medical degree? Its the most unlikely thing. In fact, I was told that with a medical degree, i could gain a visa to any country in the world. Even if its a closed country like Iran or North Korea. Honestly, if there was someone to sponser medicine, medical supplies and provisions. I wouldn't mind going to North Korea to treat the people there for free. My life isn't so important in comparison to seeing a million people die of starvation at any one period of time. It just sucks. But visa to North Korea? MISSIONS!!!!!
Academically, this is so crazy and I will have to pray about it. Get a A.B degree with a major in mathematics studying all the subjects that I love/like and balance it with humanities, social sciences, arts subjects furthest from my major. At the same time, take pre-medical classes. Stretch myself to do 5 modules per semester.instead of 4. Then M.B.A and later, Ph.D. But if God is willing. Then I will go to medical school and be a doctor. And I'll be more than happy to treat people for free. I'm not motivated by money. I'm motivated by love.
Singapore's medical system should be modelled after New Zealand's. Nurses there have to take 5 year degree course and being a nurse is most highly respected profession in the country. And not to mention, they select doctors not because of grades and motivation for the potential to earn huge amounts of money, but simply for the desire to cure people. Not to mention that they are well versed in EQ. I don't understand why doctors in Singapore seem to all fall into a stereotype:
"graduate from NUS. work for three years in the public sector. jumpship to the private sector to earn big bucks. low eq" And you notice that practically all the polyclinics are stocked with young doctors who have just come out of the university? Nowonder, now we know. To have a truly good health care system. We need to doctors and nurses who are motivated to heal the sick and not motivated by money and potential job prospects.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home