I realise that I can never write properly or blog my thoughts in a coherent manner. Well whoever reads this, let him accept it as it is. I am a rather crappy writer who makes weird links to everything. But what to do?
The ability to know that one's abilities isn't exactly anything close to stellar, grounded more to physical "reality", horrendous. To be laughed at by 3 persons that signify the deep humour of the rest of the world and to walk away from it calmly having said that "I have no regrets, I already gave my best" is something that very very few people have. Often times, do we not epitomise those who have the ability to do what they really dream to do in the face of incredible opposition and improbabilities? And yet when the bottle points us, most just chose to shirk back? What really drives us? Our preferences or our convictions? William Hung just rocks the set. Although at the same time I could feel that the producers were reinforcing the typical foreign-chinese asian-american mindset globalised only for the sake of show ratings.
Ok so now I realise why I am so crap at communicating with people. It seems that I fall into the category of an "INTP" by the myers-briggs personality test. As much as I am not really a fan of such tests, the results and the corresponding research that I have read up upon more or less actually corrobates with who I really see myself to be. Abstract. Highly Systematic. Introverted. Its nowonder the language I use tend to be more on the flashy side of heavy vocabulary as well as adjectives. And I often try to express whatever I see visually in a very abstract, metaphorical manner. Its nowonder NOBODY can understand me. Now I laugh and find it really funny and humourous. Its not really my lost. Its just simply me. Apparently, the test says that I am highly suited to do mathematics, which is another interesting point and a good career for me would be that of a "college lecturer". Very interesting indeed. I've been on the wrong frequency all my life. Nowonder all the girls can't stand me.
When I think about Valentine's Day. I have had the same fixed plan every single year for a long time. That is to simply stay at home and play the computer the whole day and finally popping out of my room at around 8 to have dinner with my family. At the same time, allowing them to have a good visual check that I am not on the phone whatsoever. That might just appease my mum who so very often thinks that I have a girlfriend. The funniest thing is that my Dad thinks I'm attached when I almost never go out. So much for family communication. Quite an example to express how bad it really is. My aunt almost always laughs at me everytime she sees me and asks me if I've found a girlfriend. The best thing of all is that every single time I meet a new guy at the base, either because he is a new regular or a new NSmen from the training school, after about 10 questions on the formalities. It ALWAYS inevitably turns to a potential question that ought to be a "long conversation starter".
"Do you have a girlfriend?". Sigh. But No. And apparently they are so shocked. Geeky traits of a rather conservative Christian clashing with full end liberal expression of a non-believer. Worst thing is that I can end up talking to the steersman onboard the boat about his girlfriend till 4 in the morning. Its amazing what actually comes up in relationships when people open up. I've got one of the nicer guys in the base who is this Malay-Muslim guy who honestly admits to being a person of not-so-desirable character that is attached to a Christian girl that he say does excellent in her studies as well as sets the example for character around her social circle. Its very very interesting. All the emotional tuggles as well as the potentials that just lie ahead. It seems that the road to true love is littered with emotional landmines ready to cripple us on that one wrong step. Ok, so that's just a personal observation.
I find it quite interesting that most of my Malay/Muslim colleagues at work love to talk to a Chinese/Christian for a differing perspective on issues like sexuality, morality, politics, finance and so on. And the best thing is that there's always is unworded agreement to be very open and honest about each other's perspectives all the way to religion. So far we haven't started debating on evolution, but yes, there have been times they were telling me the "Jesus was just a prophet in the Koran" and stuff. Whilst I don't get upset or anything, I find it a great way to strengthen my faith that little bit. One of the more "funny" incidents that one of the steersmen told me a rather long time ago was that he had a wife and he was still doing certain undesirable things with other women outside of marriage. And he requested me to tell him. "Tell me, honestly, what you Christians think of such an issue". As much as the base is rotten and it pits senior officers against junior officers, regulars against NSmen, patrol cres against office hour workers. At the end of the day, I find that having a very honest and open chat out in the open sea (with lots and lots of guns onboard) far from the gaze of other people has certainly exposed me to many different ideas as well as ideals. Very interesting indeed.
And whenever it comes to the topic of girls they never seem to believe that I am unattached. Insisting to believe that I am hiding one somewhere. Some have even checked through my phone sms as well as pictures when I was sleeping onboard (I don't mind) to verify my story. And there is ALWAYS the suggestion that "you go church, church got so many girls what, go find one girlfriend there lar!". It has come from everyone from my Team In Charge all the way to my Crew Commanders, steersmen, 1st gunners and even the junior NSmen. Is it me or is it just them? Maybe its me. What can I say? I've been stuck in an all-boys school for 10 years. Nevermind. I end up in the SA combination where its all guys around. I end up in an All-boys CCA (except for the Vice-Admiral, of course), I go to a class where the guys sit on one side and girls on the other. Where we line up with the "girls in front and the boys behind" (SB1, the class next to us, does the opposite, so I could always gawk at their class girls), I serve in a church ministry where its all brothers. And I end up sitting in between guys in church for practically almost every service. Hasn't anyone realised that when I'm at lecture, Anthony sits on my left and Ish (The GREAT INDIAN MATHEMATICIAN) sits on my right? Now obviously I'm quite sad. As one of my friends told me quite plainly,
"Alwyn, you are a SSB man, a Single Sad Bastard". And we laughed at the miserable state of our lives. It doesn't help that L-Squared according to Aaron "doesn't try at all" and that T-Squared isn't exactly someone to follow after in the realm of girls as well. Poor Jaimes had his horrific controversy with that GIRL stoked by Davis and apparently Professor Wang isn't very popular with his anti-feminist male-chauvinist views (haha!). We can't forget what Aaron did right? It was horrible. Brother laughed at it for 9 months (so did I). I could mention even even more names. Of course, I shouldn't forget that that even in J2, the only few girls I ever said more than 100 words to in my life were the CF girls and those were on mere formalities only. Quite sad. So now you know why I'm happily still unattached and loving it. Although my silly heart does nag at my brain sometimes, I find it quite odd. Love is about giving and not about getting. So definitely like Charles I have to "meditate on this area". I guess when psychologists say that we are who our friends us, it doesn't help that the 5 or us almost always meet up and talk about everything under the sun except girls. How convieniently sad, some might say.
I'm not really the sensitive sort who can detect subtle shifts in a woman's mood and stuff. Most of the time, I am so oblivious and so "heck care" that I don't bother at all. Worse, there's that "time of the month" and they start snapping at me for no particular reason at all (teachers included). Sad to say, whatever my experience with girls it. It has been far from favourable. It would be something Kaveh would deem as MISERABLE. Oh well, i won't dwell on such anymore. Its just too negative. If there isn't enough babies, then too bad for this country! We have such a horrific mismatch of social-expectations, financial-requisites, educational-demands, traditional-thinking and stress plus white-washed big cracks in society such that I am not suprised if the marriage rate over 5 years plunges very sharply. Get married, can't stand each other, divorce. Already 1/4 of marriages don't make it past 3 years. What more 5 years. Children? We can forget about that. Its hard to think about all such stuff as well as get involved with all the potential nonsense that happens when most people are worried-sick about their survivability of their ricebowl.
Do people really get attached for love. Seems like people get attached because of peer pressure, social expecations, boredom, or because its just plain "cool" or some other weird rationale (to me, at least). When I read books by Dr. Edwin Louis Cole, the man who founded the Christian Men's Network. I personaly realise that the MINIMUM STANDARDS of character that God sets for MEN is very far lacking from the male population today. Me included. I guess only a small tiny handful can make that cut for character. And perceviing how much garbage of the way women is looked upon in today's men's magazines, its quite sad that men only get attached to women for so many wrong reasons. Its easy to fake loving, being a superficial lover is probably the easiest thing out there. Nowonder the courtship goes very well, only to find the marriage turn out a disaster. Quite sad. The golden rule is that if a person's character cannot stand up to the challenge of true love. Then it is as good as no love at all.
Men really should check their hearts, their value systems, their beliefs and personal philosophies when it comes to love.
"Would you still love her now if she got into an accident and there was this huge ugly thick scar that stretched from her left eye all the way to the bottom of her right cheek?". Oh wow, now I can't use her as your pawn to show off her looks to my friends and their girlfriends just to prove to them about who is better at getting attached to the prettier girl. Looks matter, its not everything. Its too superficial. Superficiality is the leprosy of our age.
"Would you still love her now if she got into a serious accident and was confined to a wheelchair and required help even for the simplest of tasks?" Or would I chose to just dump her and scoot of for a easier to mantain girl? Very interesting indeed. Am I willing to sacrifice my time, my energy, my effort, my life for the person I really love? Am I able to bear up to all my friends who will snigger behind my backs, not to mention relatives who aren't so understanding? What will my parents say?
If I got rid of everything I could get out from her in the form of pride or else and instead I could only give to her understandably with little or no reciprocation at all. Would I do it? I don't know? Right now I'm still stuck in the stage where I try my best not to judge people by their looks but to realy and sincerely get to know them. Yet I can't help but let looks of a person influence me so much. I still want to get. But that isn't the way. I want to learn to GIVE. I haven't learn to do that yet. And that explains why I most probably will never get hitched.
I do not see the purpose of building a relationship on touch. No doubt touch can communicate more in 5 minutes than words can in 60. But at the end of the day. The primary reason to love is to give. Its not to get the sensation or temporal high knowing how this part of her body feels when I touch it and brush across it with my hand or other. I still believe in the very old tradtional ability that even as I shoudl love in the 5 languages of love. At the end of the day, should the situation come that I can only trufully and truely love from a distance. Can I do that? A big question I ought to ask myself. Its very interesting. Yet I understand there is only so much we can do to pin for someone in life, Whether that person is still inside our lives or has walked far far away like east is from the west.
The most ironic thing is that just a moment ago, my friend sent me a copy of "Double Your Dating". Some book that he had bought online and sent it to me. Okay, strictly mathematically speaking. TWO times ZERO (or "ZEEWO" as DK would call it) is still equals to the universal arbitary constant of unity which is a zero. Wonder where that book is going to get me. Am I being cycnical? or am I simply paranoid to let a crack appear in the polished shiny vanadium-steeled safe over it? Or shall I say that I'm just scared that some girl will come around and cut through my heart like a hot knife through butter? Its amazing how crazily abstract I suddenly become when the four key letters permutate into a nice comination that the world can understand in a life is beautiful theme. Has anyone listened to old Nat King Cole songs from the sixties? They're beautiful jazz pieces that transcend time and passion to declaring every so very simply about what our technically greatest secular purpose really is.
Yet at the same time, the pertinent life-time bogging question of whether should one wait out for the "real deal" transcribed from heavenly illusions/visions of grandeur or should we follow the philosophy of the one blade of grass that we are allowed to pick in a vast field, ever walking forward with no recourse of turning direction. Yet is it true that first loves are the true one or is it that "maybe God just wants us to meet a few wrong people in life, so that we'll know who the right one really is". Or yet better. Be the sad person that continually stays loyal to his feelings and just pins for that one particular person which absolutely no chance of anything worthwhile returning. I wonder where the word "pining" came from. At the same time, I wonder what are we really chasing for in this whol relationship charade.
She leaves on saturady. I'm very sad.
I'm standing here right now
I'll never let you down
I'll give my everything
Cos I want you to feel me
I'll open up to you
I'll know your heart is true
I'll save myself for you
Cos I want you to feel me
- Feel Me, Mandy Moore.
The ability to know that one's abilities isn't exactly anything close to stellar, grounded more to physical "reality", horrendous. To be laughed at by 3 persons that signify the deep humour of the rest of the world and to walk away from it calmly having said that "I have no regrets, I already gave my best" is something that very very few people have. Often times, do we not epitomise those who have the ability to do what they really dream to do in the face of incredible opposition and improbabilities? And yet when the bottle points us, most just chose to shirk back? What really drives us? Our preferences or our convictions? William Hung just rocks the set. Although at the same time I could feel that the producers were reinforcing the typical foreign-chinese asian-american mindset globalised only for the sake of show ratings.
Ok so now I realise why I am so crap at communicating with people. It seems that I fall into the category of an "INTP" by the myers-briggs personality test. As much as I am not really a fan of such tests, the results and the corresponding research that I have read up upon more or less actually corrobates with who I really see myself to be. Abstract. Highly Systematic. Introverted. Its nowonder the language I use tend to be more on the flashy side of heavy vocabulary as well as adjectives. And I often try to express whatever I see visually in a very abstract, metaphorical manner. Its nowonder NOBODY can understand me. Now I laugh and find it really funny and humourous. Its not really my lost. Its just simply me. Apparently, the test says that I am highly suited to do mathematics, which is another interesting point and a good career for me would be that of a "college lecturer". Very interesting indeed. I've been on the wrong frequency all my life. Nowonder all the girls can't stand me.
When I think about Valentine's Day. I have had the same fixed plan every single year for a long time. That is to simply stay at home and play the computer the whole day and finally popping out of my room at around 8 to have dinner with my family. At the same time, allowing them to have a good visual check that I am not on the phone whatsoever. That might just appease my mum who so very often thinks that I have a girlfriend. The funniest thing is that my Dad thinks I'm attached when I almost never go out. So much for family communication. Quite an example to express how bad it really is. My aunt almost always laughs at me everytime she sees me and asks me if I've found a girlfriend. The best thing of all is that every single time I meet a new guy at the base, either because he is a new regular or a new NSmen from the training school, after about 10 questions on the formalities. It ALWAYS inevitably turns to a potential question that ought to be a "long conversation starter".
"Do you have a girlfriend?". Sigh. But No. And apparently they are so shocked. Geeky traits of a rather conservative Christian clashing with full end liberal expression of a non-believer. Worst thing is that I can end up talking to the steersman onboard the boat about his girlfriend till 4 in the morning. Its amazing what actually comes up in relationships when people open up. I've got one of the nicer guys in the base who is this Malay-Muslim guy who honestly admits to being a person of not-so-desirable character that is attached to a Christian girl that he say does excellent in her studies as well as sets the example for character around her social circle. Its very very interesting. All the emotional tuggles as well as the potentials that just lie ahead. It seems that the road to true love is littered with emotional landmines ready to cripple us on that one wrong step. Ok, so that's just a personal observation.
I find it quite interesting that most of my Malay/Muslim colleagues at work love to talk to a Chinese/Christian for a differing perspective on issues like sexuality, morality, politics, finance and so on. And the best thing is that there's always is unworded agreement to be very open and honest about each other's perspectives all the way to religion. So far we haven't started debating on evolution, but yes, there have been times they were telling me the "Jesus was just a prophet in the Koran" and stuff. Whilst I don't get upset or anything, I find it a great way to strengthen my faith that little bit. One of the more "funny" incidents that one of the steersmen told me a rather long time ago was that he had a wife and he was still doing certain undesirable things with other women outside of marriage. And he requested me to tell him. "Tell me, honestly, what you Christians think of such an issue". As much as the base is rotten and it pits senior officers against junior officers, regulars against NSmen, patrol cres against office hour workers. At the end of the day, I find that having a very honest and open chat out in the open sea (with lots and lots of guns onboard) far from the gaze of other people has certainly exposed me to many different ideas as well as ideals. Very interesting indeed.
And whenever it comes to the topic of girls they never seem to believe that I am unattached. Insisting to believe that I am hiding one somewhere. Some have even checked through my phone sms as well as pictures when I was sleeping onboard (I don't mind) to verify my story. And there is ALWAYS the suggestion that "you go church, church got so many girls what, go find one girlfriend there lar!". It has come from everyone from my Team In Charge all the way to my Crew Commanders, steersmen, 1st gunners and even the junior NSmen. Is it me or is it just them? Maybe its me. What can I say? I've been stuck in an all-boys school for 10 years. Nevermind. I end up in the SA combination where its all guys around. I end up in an All-boys CCA (except for the Vice-Admiral, of course), I go to a class where the guys sit on one side and girls on the other. Where we line up with the "girls in front and the boys behind" (SB1, the class next to us, does the opposite, so I could always gawk at their class girls), I serve in a church ministry where its all brothers. And I end up sitting in between guys in church for practically almost every service. Hasn't anyone realised that when I'm at lecture, Anthony sits on my left and Ish (The GREAT INDIAN MATHEMATICIAN) sits on my right? Now obviously I'm quite sad. As one of my friends told me quite plainly,
"Alwyn, you are a SSB man, a Single Sad Bastard". And we laughed at the miserable state of our lives. It doesn't help that L-Squared according to Aaron "doesn't try at all" and that T-Squared isn't exactly someone to follow after in the realm of girls as well. Poor Jaimes had his horrific controversy with that GIRL stoked by Davis and apparently Professor Wang isn't very popular with his anti-feminist male-chauvinist views (haha!). We can't forget what Aaron did right? It was horrible. Brother laughed at it for 9 months (so did I). I could mention even even more names. Of course, I shouldn't forget that that even in J2, the only few girls I ever said more than 100 words to in my life were the CF girls and those were on mere formalities only. Quite sad. So now you know why I'm happily still unattached and loving it. Although my silly heart does nag at my brain sometimes, I find it quite odd. Love is about giving and not about getting. So definitely like Charles I have to "meditate on this area". I guess when psychologists say that we are who our friends us, it doesn't help that the 5 or us almost always meet up and talk about everything under the sun except girls. How convieniently sad, some might say.
I'm not really the sensitive sort who can detect subtle shifts in a woman's mood and stuff. Most of the time, I am so oblivious and so "heck care" that I don't bother at all. Worse, there's that "time of the month" and they start snapping at me for no particular reason at all (teachers included). Sad to say, whatever my experience with girls it. It has been far from favourable. It would be something Kaveh would deem as MISERABLE. Oh well, i won't dwell on such anymore. Its just too negative. If there isn't enough babies, then too bad for this country! We have such a horrific mismatch of social-expectations, financial-requisites, educational-demands, traditional-thinking and stress plus white-washed big cracks in society such that I am not suprised if the marriage rate over 5 years plunges very sharply. Get married, can't stand each other, divorce. Already 1/4 of marriages don't make it past 3 years. What more 5 years. Children? We can forget about that. Its hard to think about all such stuff as well as get involved with all the potential nonsense that happens when most people are worried-sick about their survivability of their ricebowl.
Do people really get attached for love. Seems like people get attached because of peer pressure, social expecations, boredom, or because its just plain "cool" or some other weird rationale (to me, at least). When I read books by Dr. Edwin Louis Cole, the man who founded the Christian Men's Network. I personaly realise that the MINIMUM STANDARDS of character that God sets for MEN is very far lacking from the male population today. Me included. I guess only a small tiny handful can make that cut for character. And perceviing how much garbage of the way women is looked upon in today's men's magazines, its quite sad that men only get attached to women for so many wrong reasons. Its easy to fake loving, being a superficial lover is probably the easiest thing out there. Nowonder the courtship goes very well, only to find the marriage turn out a disaster. Quite sad. The golden rule is that if a person's character cannot stand up to the challenge of true love. Then it is as good as no love at all.
Men really should check their hearts, their value systems, their beliefs and personal philosophies when it comes to love.
"Would you still love her now if she got into an accident and there was this huge ugly thick scar that stretched from her left eye all the way to the bottom of her right cheek?". Oh wow, now I can't use her as your pawn to show off her looks to my friends and their girlfriends just to prove to them about who is better at getting attached to the prettier girl. Looks matter, its not everything. Its too superficial. Superficiality is the leprosy of our age.
"Would you still love her now if she got into a serious accident and was confined to a wheelchair and required help even for the simplest of tasks?" Or would I chose to just dump her and scoot of for a easier to mantain girl? Very interesting indeed. Am I willing to sacrifice my time, my energy, my effort, my life for the person I really love? Am I able to bear up to all my friends who will snigger behind my backs, not to mention relatives who aren't so understanding? What will my parents say?
If I got rid of everything I could get out from her in the form of pride or else and instead I could only give to her understandably with little or no reciprocation at all. Would I do it? I don't know? Right now I'm still stuck in the stage where I try my best not to judge people by their looks but to realy and sincerely get to know them. Yet I can't help but let looks of a person influence me so much. I still want to get. But that isn't the way. I want to learn to GIVE. I haven't learn to do that yet. And that explains why I most probably will never get hitched.
I do not see the purpose of building a relationship on touch. No doubt touch can communicate more in 5 minutes than words can in 60. But at the end of the day. The primary reason to love is to give. Its not to get the sensation or temporal high knowing how this part of her body feels when I touch it and brush across it with my hand or other. I still believe in the very old tradtional ability that even as I shoudl love in the 5 languages of love. At the end of the day, should the situation come that I can only trufully and truely love from a distance. Can I do that? A big question I ought to ask myself. Its very interesting. Yet I understand there is only so much we can do to pin for someone in life, Whether that person is still inside our lives or has walked far far away like east is from the west.
The most ironic thing is that just a moment ago, my friend sent me a copy of "Double Your Dating". Some book that he had bought online and sent it to me. Okay, strictly mathematically speaking. TWO times ZERO (or "ZEEWO" as DK would call it) is still equals to the universal arbitary constant of unity which is a zero. Wonder where that book is going to get me. Am I being cycnical? or am I simply paranoid to let a crack appear in the polished shiny vanadium-steeled safe over it? Or shall I say that I'm just scared that some girl will come around and cut through my heart like a hot knife through butter? Its amazing how crazily abstract I suddenly become when the four key letters permutate into a nice comination that the world can understand in a life is beautiful theme. Has anyone listened to old Nat King Cole songs from the sixties? They're beautiful jazz pieces that transcend time and passion to declaring every so very simply about what our technically greatest secular purpose really is.
Yet at the same time, the pertinent life-time bogging question of whether should one wait out for the "real deal" transcribed from heavenly illusions/visions of grandeur or should we follow the philosophy of the one blade of grass that we are allowed to pick in a vast field, ever walking forward with no recourse of turning direction. Yet is it true that first loves are the true one or is it that "maybe God just wants us to meet a few wrong people in life, so that we'll know who the right one really is". Or yet better. Be the sad person that continually stays loyal to his feelings and just pins for that one particular person which absolutely no chance of anything worthwhile returning. I wonder where the word "pining" came from. At the same time, I wonder what are we really chasing for in this whol relationship charade.
She leaves on saturady. I'm very sad.
I'm standing here right now
I'll never let you down
I'll give my everything
Cos I want you to feel me
I'll open up to you
I'll know your heart is true
I'll save myself for you
Cos I want you to feel me
- Feel Me, Mandy Moore.
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