Even as I type this, I see Maggie online. I'm dying to know which university and what course she is taking, most likely overseas I think. At the same time, I don't dare to msg her as I added her to my list without her permission! I wonder what her reaction will be when she finds out who I really am. I'm just that crazy guy who looks at her from the corner of my eye and she is the girl who looks at me from the corner of her eye. Even at prom, when we walked past each other. It just felt like something was amiss.

I learnt something in church today that will shape my philosophy for the rest of my life.

"Better to try and fail, than to have never tried at all" - Dr Kong. Pastor was telling us to either go all out for God and fail, rather than to be stuck in an insignificant and boring and predictable, backslidden, cold, lukewarm christian life. I was thinking. I have only one life, might as well just give it all to God rather than keep it for my own selfish desires. After all, I will only find true peace when I do God's Will for me.

I don't think I'll talk about today, I'm very tired. I'll just mention the "highlights":

- Waking up at 4, when I slept at 1.30 last night
- Restoring a good impression with SSgt Poh, Probably I'd say
- How everyone seems to be buying a computer
- Sleeping in Class (DUH!)
- Not enough food for the squad, so the chinese people had to buy their own
- Sleeping in class later on
- Having no Physical Training
- Being allowed to leave at 5.15
- Being held back till 5.45
- Being rebuked for a flaw in my character
- Thinking and reasoning of the devil's schemes to stop me from going to church
- Borrowing money and taking a Taxi to church

Youth Conference, Service 7, City Harvest Church

I can say that I am honestly not satisfied with this conference. It has not lived up to its hype. I expected to be "changed radically" but I do still feel more or less the same. It seems that the life changing messages are during the day and the night service is a more casual, relaxed one. After all, on the first day it was the parade of schools, then on the second it was the mini concert and then today it was a prize giving ceremony followed by a rock concert performance.

As much as I love all these things, I want God so badly that I'll do anything to get more of Him. And I felt like, I was not getting what I expected. Even for today's worship, I was so terribly distracted. The last two days saw great praise and worship, today's praise was good, but worship was bad. I was terribly distracted by all the girls around. Its like suddenly my mind keeps focusing here and there and not on God. I hate this.

We didn't queue to get into the hall but just jumped the queue. When we finally found some seats, we managed to get only 5 when the there was this two people booking like 12 seats in a row. As everyone was here already I just stood my ground and pointed my hand at the seats to the cell group leader. She was this very pretty young. No kidding, I have to admit she was very pretty, looked a little bit like her, but of course, no girl will ever look as good as her in my eyes. I did not say anything and just proceeded to stare.

No I wasn't staring at her looks. I was just pissed that she booked like the whole row and none of her members had arrived yet, and many deserving people ended up having to sit on the floor. I just kept staring without a word. I think she got the hint and quickly gave up two seats.

Before I knew it, Matthew greeted me and asked if I had a spare seat. I just told him to seat next to me, even though those seats technically belonged to the CGL still. Then Ben came and sat next to Matt, I think she was very dismayed indeed. The Holy Spirit later convicted me of being rude and proud and using my stature to emotionally deamean a woman indirectly. I was so guilty.

I wanted to apologise to her after the service, but she left before I could do so. I'm such an idiot. I do all kinds of stupid things. Damn.

I don't think I'll comment on the service today. Just that the debriefing was done by Janice and she was telling us to bring friends on saturday. She was telling me that if my whole squad were Christian then Jesus would have come back already. I think that is so unreasonable, not to mention inappropriate. Does she not know that sharing the gospel with ANY muslim is 3 to 4 years jail? Charles told me that this law was enacted last year and Christians were no longer allowed to preach to muslims.

Of course I couldn't be bothered to explain. Sometimes, its is better to have a better understanding of a person's situation before critising. Sigh, I'm very tired now, I want to put so many thought and grievances here and just to put it down in black and white. But I have no energy left. Looks like only God will hear what I want to type here.