I did something and managed to come up with the original entries for the florrine.blogspot.com website, which has now been removed and as well as the 1st link out of that blog. Both are rather sad. Judge for yourself how the newpaper has screwed up the entries. I let the facts stand for themselves. What is quoted in the paper is NOT quoted in the entries:
from http://florrine.blogspot.com - final entry before the site was deleted
Saturday, July 26, 2003
These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." John 16:33
pain in my heart tt i never felt before in my life...a fear tt haunts me tt i've to keep praying to God to free my mind. a distant friend cum junior sharing the sorrow of closer frenz and juniors. doesn't make e sorrow less... was thinking whether i shld go for the wake today cos firstly, there was no one to go wif me (before fidelia called and before i called ziwei) and secondly, i was not very "close" to her. but flora told me don't be affected by wad others may think...its how you feel emotionally for her. i guess that's really true. i will remember to "just look into her eyes and remember the way she was. and you'll feel less painful."
thank you all for the support and prayers.
kissed by me at 10:16 PM
Friday, July 25, 2003
justina, i miss you so much... you changed our lives, led the peer support board, was a fantastic singer, OGL, councillor, and friend.
can't believe tt i just saw her in the library a few days ago mugging and we smiled at each other and said hi..something tt we hadn't done in a long time. and suddenly, rumours juz spreaded ard and i didn't believe it till the tchrs made the formal statement just now.
actually it really hit me when i saw ziwei's red eyes then everything just crashed down on me tt she's....gone. broke down and cried for a while...talked to the tchrs who were really nice to us...then went to the concourse...
ziwei and i talked a long time abt justina...how she was almost perfect, how she inspired all of us..how she was always our role model even though we weren't close to her. such was the impact she made on all of us in rgs.
then memories of her juz came flooding back. how i sat her car once to go home, how she wrote all the PSLs in 409 a note when we gave her a birthday card, how she praised me for being a good PSL, how she agreed to lend me her textbooks, how she always showed appreciation whenever we did something for her.... and many many more...how she sang our batch song...i guess most ppl don't know the voice behind our batch song was hers...
and wad shocked me most was tt she was a christian...i just couldn't comprehend how she could juz take away the life tt God gave her just like tt...wad could have driven her to such an extent...i guess there's no point searching for answers cos we can't find them anymore. i juz hope and pray tt her family and brother is ok.
passed justina's house at least 3 times today, back from sch, out from home to guide house and then back from guide house. its so quiet...so lonely.
kissed by me at 9:18 PM
from http://soaringwithmywings.blogspot.com - 1st link out from florrine.blogspot.com, weblog destoyed too.
Saturday, July 26, 2003
There is an answer, some day we will know,
And you will ask her, why she had to go,
We live and die, we laugh and we cry,
And you must take away the pain,
Before you can begin to live again;
So let it start, my friend, let it start,
Let the tears come rolling from your heart,
And when you need a light in the lonely nights,
Carry me like a fire in your heart,
Carre me like a fire in your heart;
There is a river rolling to the sea,
You will be with her for all eternity,
But we that remain need you here again,
So hold her in your memory
And begin to make the shadows disappear;
Yes let it start, my friend, let it start,
Let the love come rolling from your heart,
And when you need a light in the lonely nights,
Carry me like a fire in your heart,
Carry me like a fire in your heart;
So let it start, my friend, let it start,
Let the love come rolling from your heart,
And when you need a light in the lonely nights,
Carry me like a fire in your heart,
Carry me like a fire in your heart,
Carry me like a fire in your heart,
Carry me like a fire in your heart
It was always just a sad sobby love song to me until now, when it suddenly makes so much sense. Mag, remember SJI PSLTC?
7/26/2003 09:37:19 AM
Friday, July 25, 2003
din do a thing the whole day. i told myself i had to put away emotional disturbance and get down to work. Get on with life. but i just couldn't. though im facing it strong. I still cannot believe it's true.
Shiyan said it's so scary. And it's so scary that she and I are so alike. Both chair, both in 3A, both are people who are so perfectionistic, mind so much how things turn out to be, both are so happy and cheerful outside but so many sad things bottled up. She said it's scary that I am so much like her and am like her follower. She fears I might just do the same thing. Nobody would do such a thing when your mind is in sanity; it's that split second when your mind goes insane that if nobody pulls you back it becomes too late. I promise I wouldn't do such a thing (and so did she promise). I would live happily for the people I love, and the people who love me.
It's ironic how we are supposed to stand for PSB and yet...;has peer support neglected some parts of our life?
How I wish if only i could have talked to her. You never know when you could have made a difference. I want to tell her that we shouldn't die for things that are going against us, but live for the people we love. I want to tell her that she has reached so many people and there are just so many who care for her and cherish her. I want to tell her that life is a gift and there are ups and downs in this journey. You're at the low swamps and soon you are gonna come out of it and enter the beautiful garden..... Why didn't she realize this?
7/25/2003 11:32:38 PM
After SYF had headache, plus all those cheerleading prac made me so exhausted so decided to stay home today. Wanted to wake at 930, but somebody woke me up at 928.
Azi called my hp and asked if I’ve already known. *know what?* She wanted to tell me personally but I wasn’t in school. Then she said a few times she was really sorry to tell me, and there she said it. She broke the news to me. Over the phone. I didn’t know how to react. Not at all. I didn’t have a mirror in front of me but I knew I was absolutely shocked. I couldn’t speak. Even now, I still don’t know what am I feeling. I put down the phone and stoned for 5 minutes, and all of a sudden I burst into tears. Uncontrollable tears. I don’t know what I was crying for, but the thought of not seeing her ever again, the news itself… suddenly hit me. And after some time, I stopped.
To think I was just talking to my mum last night about not wanting to live anymore sometimes, especially after entering JC. The meaning to life has sneaked away, the goal in life has slipped off, your whole life is filled but yet so very empty, sometimes you want something to hold on to but then you slip and fall again. And again and again. And you don’t want to get up anymore. You laugh and run around in school, lectures and tutorials, PE, friends, fun, food… at the end of the day, you feel the hollow echo in your heart. Many times I wonder what am I still doing here? What am I living for… And yesterday I just had a realization and told myself that I shouldn’t die for people I dislike but live for people I love. Just yesterday. And just last night, my Mum told me this: tian 1 jiang1 jiang4 da4 ren4 yu2 si1 ren2, bi4 xian1 ku3 qi2 xin1 zhi4, lao2 qi2 jin1 gu3… - If the heaven has installed a great responsibility for someone, it will first have to hard-train his mind and determination, and work his strength and stamina… something to that effect. If only I could tell her this before she made such a decision.
Just the day before Waikit was telling me how the universe is infinity and every time we have to make a decision the universe splits into two. Every choice you have made carries on to that half of the universe for universe is infinity. And now I wonder what happened to the half of her universe which could have just made all that difference.
I had to rush out to polyclinic to meet my mum. Went to see doctor and had blood test coz have been bruising easily nowadays. I wore my thick red specs to cover the traces of tears and swollen eyes. Still remember the first time I ever saw a person wearing thick red specs was… her… when she was in sec3. And ever since I stepped out of my house, SMSes and phonecalls started rushing in to check if I am coping with it well and also to look for me to testify the truth in it. Who am I to testify it? I aint even sure if I have fully accepted the fact yet. I am still lost. Getting out of the house into the public is a good thing sometimes, force you to put up a strong front and face everybody calmly. Even Ms Gong, my CT, called to ask if I am ok. She called my mum separately too. Apparently I am in her list of close friends identified by the school and need counseling.
I didn’t cry anymore except when Wen called and was trying to find out more. I don’t know what to think, just felt irritations in the eyes and disturbance in the heart. I think it still hasn’t hit me exactly yet. I always take very long to absorb and analyse the whole thing and then truly find my emotions. Is it some coincidence? I am not in school today and suddenly so many things happened. Am I supposed to be glad that at least I can have some time to myself? I have never seen death before. My grandmas are still alive, my grandpas 1 died before I was born, 1 died a year after I was born. I always wonder what would I do if I finally have to experience it. It's hard to imagine the first would be my senior, my good friend.
The SPSLs(02) think I should call for a meeting for all of us to meet together. I think we should too, but I wouldn’t know what to do then after we have met up. It all happened too fast. I am constantly trying to persuade myself it is a fact. But my mind can’t register. It all feels like a dream… just floaty misty dream… like all those I’ve been in…
I do not know why am I under her close friends’ list as identified by the school. Perhaps it’s my relations to her. But Ms Gong told my mum she’s my ‘best friend’. We’re still good friends and I still love her. Just that after going to JC hardly get to talk anymore. Memories suddenly rush back. I hate this feeling becoz everytime it happens, I get very disturbed and even cry. Since sec1 I have already heard about her being a very nice senior through my choir classmates. When I was in sec2 I wasn’t surprised she became a PSL. Also not surprised that she became the chairperson of PSB. She strikes me as a cheerful, friendly and loveable person, the kind that nobody will dislike her. Then in sec3, as a PSL I got to know her better. I actively involved myself in PSB coz I love the board and was definitely inspired by the seniors. Throughout my term of service as a PSL, I saw how the SPSLs, well most of them, fulfill the motto Going the Extra Mile, Riding the Waves with you. Peer Support Leaders are not like prefects. They don’t get points; they don’t get official recognition for everything they do. What keeps them going is really the passion. She was really capable and I remember once she called for the ex-PSLs meeting together with the 2001 batch PSLs so as to give them PSL carnival tickets to sell. The way she could communicate with both groups showed she commanded respect by all. I went wow. And I thought PSB should mould me into that kind of a person.
There was once a GM, she gave some of us a little letter (I forgot the reason) and I peeped at one of my friends’ note. One line goes, ‘I can make a difference, because I believe I can.’ It was just a kind of cliché sentence you could find in every quote website, every inspiration book. But at that moment when I saw it, I swore to make a difference. That phrase suddenly ignited the spirit in me and inspired me on to do something for the board. And it later helped me make the decision to stay on as SPSL.
She was always the first one to come for all the PSB events, be there 1 hour earlier to make sure everything is Ok. I thought she was a all-rounder: nice, cute face, capable, speak well, can sing, hardworking… It was always hard to contact her because she’s so busy – driven by her chauffeur to tuitions after tuitions. Yet she coped well, and had good results. Around August she chose me and some other PSLs, together with some prefects to go on a Melaka trip, an international youth conference on Racism. It was organized under Youth Challenge. Mr Lam – the founder of youth challenge loves her and I could see why. She was someone to be trusted and had credibility. It is like you can trust Amanda Cheang to choreograph dance. She got along with everyone and everyone respected her. Yanfen and Joni got really close with her through the trip. I am really worried about the two of them...
Towards the end of year that batch of SPSLs had some conflicts here and there, seldom saw her anymore and we were not very happy with the way they handed over to us so hurriedly. Everything was quite a mess and Fiona and I had to find our way to how to carry the board on. Then it was terrible at the beginning of sec4 when everything just didn’t turn out right. I compared myself to the past few chairs and found myself totally different from them. Though the ex-SPSLs complained that she always made decisions alone and not told her rest, she WAS capable and I now understood her difficulties. I thought I wasn’t good enough and found it so hard to chair the board. But it was her everytime reassuring me that things were fine and I was doing well. She told me how 2 persons could be good friends but just so hard to work together as colleagues sometimes. She told me she felt secure passing on the board to me and she believed in me. She came back once in a while to visit us, at the various PSB events… She gave me confidence that I could carry on…
Yes, haven’t been talking to her much nowadays because of stupid hectic JC life. For the past week have been staying in school late for either cheerleading or choir prac. And almost every day I saw her studying with her friends at 3rd level along the corridor till late. She still looked the same, cheerful and happy around her friends, holding the stack of books like she has mastered all of them, smiling cutely like she knows the world wouldn’t see her as a cao mugger. The day we won cheerleading, the day I had my bad day, the day ruifen and I saw her and popped by saying how hardworking she was, and the next day… she’s gone.
Dear father,
May you let her rest in peace. Taking away innocent lives is wrong, but perhaps she has her own reasons and had no way out. May she be happier now that everything that has strangled her has been broken. May her family and all that affected face this strongly and overcome it together. I pray that all those who have attempted suicides or who think life is not worth living anymore treasure life and think for people who love and care for them. I pray for the courage in me to face this increasingly tough journey optimistically and to overcome all the obstacles along the way. Amen.
Sigh. This is for clarity. I hope no one fires a missile at me. Let the entries stand for themselves.
from http://florrine.blogspot.com - final entry before the site was deleted
Saturday, July 26, 2003
These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." John 16:33
pain in my heart tt i never felt before in my life...a fear tt haunts me tt i've to keep praying to God to free my mind. a distant friend cum junior sharing the sorrow of closer frenz and juniors. doesn't make e sorrow less... was thinking whether i shld go for the wake today cos firstly, there was no one to go wif me (before fidelia called and before i called ziwei) and secondly, i was not very "close" to her. but flora told me don't be affected by wad others may think...its how you feel emotionally for her. i guess that's really true. i will remember to "just look into her eyes and remember the way she was. and you'll feel less painful."
thank you all for the support and prayers.
kissed by me at 10:16 PM
Friday, July 25, 2003
justina, i miss you so much... you changed our lives, led the peer support board, was a fantastic singer, OGL, councillor, and friend.
can't believe tt i just saw her in the library a few days ago mugging and we smiled at each other and said hi..something tt we hadn't done in a long time. and suddenly, rumours juz spreaded ard and i didn't believe it till the tchrs made the formal statement just now.
actually it really hit me when i saw ziwei's red eyes then everything just crashed down on me tt she's....gone. broke down and cried for a while...talked to the tchrs who were really nice to us...then went to the concourse...
ziwei and i talked a long time abt justina...how she was almost perfect, how she inspired all of us..how she was always our role model even though we weren't close to her. such was the impact she made on all of us in rgs.
then memories of her juz came flooding back. how i sat her car once to go home, how she wrote all the PSLs in 409 a note when we gave her a birthday card, how she praised me for being a good PSL, how she agreed to lend me her textbooks, how she always showed appreciation whenever we did something for her.... and many many more...how she sang our batch song...i guess most ppl don't know the voice behind our batch song was hers...
and wad shocked me most was tt she was a christian...i just couldn't comprehend how she could juz take away the life tt God gave her just like tt...wad could have driven her to such an extent...i guess there's no point searching for answers cos we can't find them anymore. i juz hope and pray tt her family and brother is ok.
passed justina's house at least 3 times today, back from sch, out from home to guide house and then back from guide house. its so quiet...so lonely.
kissed by me at 9:18 PM
from http://soaringwithmywings.blogspot.com - 1st link out from florrine.blogspot.com, weblog destoyed too.
Saturday, July 26, 2003
There is an answer, some day we will know,
And you will ask her, why she had to go,
We live and die, we laugh and we cry,
And you must take away the pain,
Before you can begin to live again;
So let it start, my friend, let it start,
Let the tears come rolling from your heart,
And when you need a light in the lonely nights,
Carry me like a fire in your heart,
Carre me like a fire in your heart;
There is a river rolling to the sea,
You will be with her for all eternity,
But we that remain need you here again,
So hold her in your memory
And begin to make the shadows disappear;
Yes let it start, my friend, let it start,
Let the love come rolling from your heart,
And when you need a light in the lonely nights,
Carry me like a fire in your heart,
Carry me like a fire in your heart;
So let it start, my friend, let it start,
Let the love come rolling from your heart,
And when you need a light in the lonely nights,
Carry me like a fire in your heart,
Carry me like a fire in your heart,
Carry me like a fire in your heart,
Carry me like a fire in your heart
It was always just a sad sobby love song to me until now, when it suddenly makes so much sense. Mag, remember SJI PSLTC?
7/26/2003 09:37:19 AM
Friday, July 25, 2003
din do a thing the whole day. i told myself i had to put away emotional disturbance and get down to work. Get on with life. but i just couldn't. though im facing it strong. I still cannot believe it's true.
Shiyan said it's so scary. And it's so scary that she and I are so alike. Both chair, both in 3A, both are people who are so perfectionistic, mind so much how things turn out to be, both are so happy and cheerful outside but so many sad things bottled up. She said it's scary that I am so much like her and am like her follower. She fears I might just do the same thing. Nobody would do such a thing when your mind is in sanity; it's that split second when your mind goes insane that if nobody pulls you back it becomes too late. I promise I wouldn't do such a thing (and so did she promise). I would live happily for the people I love, and the people who love me.
It's ironic how we are supposed to stand for PSB and yet...;has peer support neglected some parts of our life?
How I wish if only i could have talked to her. You never know when you could have made a difference. I want to tell her that we shouldn't die for things that are going against us, but live for the people we love. I want to tell her that she has reached so many people and there are just so many who care for her and cherish her. I want to tell her that life is a gift and there are ups and downs in this journey. You're at the low swamps and soon you are gonna come out of it and enter the beautiful garden..... Why didn't she realize this?
7/25/2003 11:32:38 PM
After SYF had headache, plus all those cheerleading prac made me so exhausted so decided to stay home today. Wanted to wake at 930, but somebody woke me up at 928.
Azi called my hp and asked if I’ve already known. *know what?* She wanted to tell me personally but I wasn’t in school. Then she said a few times she was really sorry to tell me, and there she said it. She broke the news to me. Over the phone. I didn’t know how to react. Not at all. I didn’t have a mirror in front of me but I knew I was absolutely shocked. I couldn’t speak. Even now, I still don’t know what am I feeling. I put down the phone and stoned for 5 minutes, and all of a sudden I burst into tears. Uncontrollable tears. I don’t know what I was crying for, but the thought of not seeing her ever again, the news itself… suddenly hit me. And after some time, I stopped.
To think I was just talking to my mum last night about not wanting to live anymore sometimes, especially after entering JC. The meaning to life has sneaked away, the goal in life has slipped off, your whole life is filled but yet so very empty, sometimes you want something to hold on to but then you slip and fall again. And again and again. And you don’t want to get up anymore. You laugh and run around in school, lectures and tutorials, PE, friends, fun, food… at the end of the day, you feel the hollow echo in your heart. Many times I wonder what am I still doing here? What am I living for… And yesterday I just had a realization and told myself that I shouldn’t die for people I dislike but live for people I love. Just yesterday. And just last night, my Mum told me this: tian 1 jiang1 jiang4 da4 ren4 yu2 si1 ren2, bi4 xian1 ku3 qi2 xin1 zhi4, lao2 qi2 jin1 gu3… - If the heaven has installed a great responsibility for someone, it will first have to hard-train his mind and determination, and work his strength and stamina… something to that effect. If only I could tell her this before she made such a decision.
Just the day before Waikit was telling me how the universe is infinity and every time we have to make a decision the universe splits into two. Every choice you have made carries on to that half of the universe for universe is infinity. And now I wonder what happened to the half of her universe which could have just made all that difference.
I had to rush out to polyclinic to meet my mum. Went to see doctor and had blood test coz have been bruising easily nowadays. I wore my thick red specs to cover the traces of tears and swollen eyes. Still remember the first time I ever saw a person wearing thick red specs was… her… when she was in sec3. And ever since I stepped out of my house, SMSes and phonecalls started rushing in to check if I am coping with it well and also to look for me to testify the truth in it. Who am I to testify it? I aint even sure if I have fully accepted the fact yet. I am still lost. Getting out of the house into the public is a good thing sometimes, force you to put up a strong front and face everybody calmly. Even Ms Gong, my CT, called to ask if I am ok. She called my mum separately too. Apparently I am in her list of close friends identified by the school and need counseling.
I didn’t cry anymore except when Wen called and was trying to find out more. I don’t know what to think, just felt irritations in the eyes and disturbance in the heart. I think it still hasn’t hit me exactly yet. I always take very long to absorb and analyse the whole thing and then truly find my emotions. Is it some coincidence? I am not in school today and suddenly so many things happened. Am I supposed to be glad that at least I can have some time to myself? I have never seen death before. My grandmas are still alive, my grandpas 1 died before I was born, 1 died a year after I was born. I always wonder what would I do if I finally have to experience it. It's hard to imagine the first would be my senior, my good friend.
The SPSLs(02) think I should call for a meeting for all of us to meet together. I think we should too, but I wouldn’t know what to do then after we have met up. It all happened too fast. I am constantly trying to persuade myself it is a fact. But my mind can’t register. It all feels like a dream… just floaty misty dream… like all those I’ve been in…
I do not know why am I under her close friends’ list as identified by the school. Perhaps it’s my relations to her. But Ms Gong told my mum she’s my ‘best friend’. We’re still good friends and I still love her. Just that after going to JC hardly get to talk anymore. Memories suddenly rush back. I hate this feeling becoz everytime it happens, I get very disturbed and even cry. Since sec1 I have already heard about her being a very nice senior through my choir classmates. When I was in sec2 I wasn’t surprised she became a PSL. Also not surprised that she became the chairperson of PSB. She strikes me as a cheerful, friendly and loveable person, the kind that nobody will dislike her. Then in sec3, as a PSL I got to know her better. I actively involved myself in PSB coz I love the board and was definitely inspired by the seniors. Throughout my term of service as a PSL, I saw how the SPSLs, well most of them, fulfill the motto Going the Extra Mile, Riding the Waves with you. Peer Support Leaders are not like prefects. They don’t get points; they don’t get official recognition for everything they do. What keeps them going is really the passion. She was really capable and I remember once she called for the ex-PSLs meeting together with the 2001 batch PSLs so as to give them PSL carnival tickets to sell. The way she could communicate with both groups showed she commanded respect by all. I went wow. And I thought PSB should mould me into that kind of a person.
There was once a GM, she gave some of us a little letter (I forgot the reason) and I peeped at one of my friends’ note. One line goes, ‘I can make a difference, because I believe I can.’ It was just a kind of cliché sentence you could find in every quote website, every inspiration book. But at that moment when I saw it, I swore to make a difference. That phrase suddenly ignited the spirit in me and inspired me on to do something for the board. And it later helped me make the decision to stay on as SPSL.
She was always the first one to come for all the PSB events, be there 1 hour earlier to make sure everything is Ok. I thought she was a all-rounder: nice, cute face, capable, speak well, can sing, hardworking… It was always hard to contact her because she’s so busy – driven by her chauffeur to tuitions after tuitions. Yet she coped well, and had good results. Around August she chose me and some other PSLs, together with some prefects to go on a Melaka trip, an international youth conference on Racism. It was organized under Youth Challenge. Mr Lam – the founder of youth challenge loves her and I could see why. She was someone to be trusted and had credibility. It is like you can trust Amanda Cheang to choreograph dance. She got along with everyone and everyone respected her. Yanfen and Joni got really close with her through the trip. I am really worried about the two of them...
Towards the end of year that batch of SPSLs had some conflicts here and there, seldom saw her anymore and we were not very happy with the way they handed over to us so hurriedly. Everything was quite a mess and Fiona and I had to find our way to how to carry the board on. Then it was terrible at the beginning of sec4 when everything just didn’t turn out right. I compared myself to the past few chairs and found myself totally different from them. Though the ex-SPSLs complained that she always made decisions alone and not told her rest, she WAS capable and I now understood her difficulties. I thought I wasn’t good enough and found it so hard to chair the board. But it was her everytime reassuring me that things were fine and I was doing well. She told me how 2 persons could be good friends but just so hard to work together as colleagues sometimes. She told me she felt secure passing on the board to me and she believed in me. She came back once in a while to visit us, at the various PSB events… She gave me confidence that I could carry on…
Yes, haven’t been talking to her much nowadays because of stupid hectic JC life. For the past week have been staying in school late for either cheerleading or choir prac. And almost every day I saw her studying with her friends at 3rd level along the corridor till late. She still looked the same, cheerful and happy around her friends, holding the stack of books like she has mastered all of them, smiling cutely like she knows the world wouldn’t see her as a cao mugger. The day we won cheerleading, the day I had my bad day, the day ruifen and I saw her and popped by saying how hardworking she was, and the next day… she’s gone.
Dear father,
May you let her rest in peace. Taking away innocent lives is wrong, but perhaps she has her own reasons and had no way out. May she be happier now that everything that has strangled her has been broken. May her family and all that affected face this strongly and overcome it together. I pray that all those who have attempted suicides or who think life is not worth living anymore treasure life and think for people who love and care for them. I pray for the courage in me to face this increasingly tough journey optimistically and to overcome all the obstacles along the way. Amen.
Sigh. This is for clarity. I hope no one fires a missile at me. Let the entries stand for themselves.
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