Just came back from Cellgroup. It started an hour late at Merf's place because Lydia and her Bro Ezekiel were late. Ryan too was late, but in his case, its understandable since's he's just knocked off for duty and is extremely tired.
Cellgroup was ok I'd say. Today when i reached Merf's place, Alice announced to me and the others that I have been assigned the role of greeter. My job is to greet all the new friends in the cellgroup and to look out for walk ins at services. I don't think I'll die doing the job, but what I'm afraid is that I will not be able to perform up to their expectations. By nature, I'm just a cold hearted, untalkative, anti-social person in church. I only talk to those who speak to me and more than often, the conversation is very short and erm... sour?
I'm just not good at holding a decent conversation. Yes, even on IRC and ICQ. Those who know me will understand what I'm talking about.
Hence I'm just another weird guy who speaks in a manner that virtually no one can comprehend, much less understand. Sighs, at least I take comfort in the fact that God understands the confused nature of my mind, heart, spirit and soul. I'm just so messed up so real bad that I sometimes I feel like as though there are 4 of me.
As usual, I was the sinful and backsliding person at cellgroup again, no one really gives a damn about me, I'm just there to queue up for seats for the cellgroup and then sit on the floor. I get ignored and bypassed for so many opportunities to help out and end up being seen as an "unhelpful brother". Sometimes, I wish they'd just open their mouths and ask.
Most of the time, I know that in my heart that they know of my disastrous spiritual growth. True discernment, my ex Vice-President of CF (ACJC Christian Fellowship) knows that there is "something very wrong with me" but somehow, though my CGL (cell group leader: merf) and Alice (She's really Holy) can discern, its like they don't ask it out right and tell me directly. They often give me opportunities to open up myself about my spiritual health to them.
But due to the pride of my heart, I stubbornly refuse their help and advances. Sometimes I wish that I had really strict spiritual leaders to guide me along, at least that way I would certainly lead a less sinful life, instead of the one I'm leading right now.
Charles once told me, "The amount of sin in the world has gone down when it has actually gone up, because over the ages, men have become good at hiding their sin from others". Charles was the CF Prayer Coordinator. He's like the Holiest guy I've met in my life in this generation. READ: he started preaching at the age of 14! No doubt, he'll one day take this country and more for Jesus!
I love Jesus, but honestly, I can only say that with my mouth, my heart and mind beg to differ on this. =(
Hopefully, one day in the nearer future, I can get a permanent spiritual breakthrough, a life of permanent victory, so that I won't be so evil again, won't be so sinful again. And can be a little holier. I'm willing to give up EVERYTHING in this world for Jesus. Though I don't say this out loud to others, this is how my heart truly feels. I don't mind starving, being poor, sick, in pain and suffering or give up money, a girlfriend, friends and life itself. If can can just bow down and worship at the feet of Jesus in the Throne Room in Heaven.
Please don't get me wrong, I'm not a religious person. All I want is a RELATIONSHIP.
Cellgroup was ok I'd say. Today when i reached Merf's place, Alice announced to me and the others that I have been assigned the role of greeter. My job is to greet all the new friends in the cellgroup and to look out for walk ins at services. I don't think I'll die doing the job, but what I'm afraid is that I will not be able to perform up to their expectations. By nature, I'm just a cold hearted, untalkative, anti-social person in church. I only talk to those who speak to me and more than often, the conversation is very short and erm... sour?
I'm just not good at holding a decent conversation. Yes, even on IRC and ICQ. Those who know me will understand what I'm talking about.
Hence I'm just another weird guy who speaks in a manner that virtually no one can comprehend, much less understand. Sighs, at least I take comfort in the fact that God understands the confused nature of my mind, heart, spirit and soul. I'm just so messed up so real bad that I sometimes I feel like as though there are 4 of me.
As usual, I was the sinful and backsliding person at cellgroup again, no one really gives a damn about me, I'm just there to queue up for seats for the cellgroup and then sit on the floor. I get ignored and bypassed for so many opportunities to help out and end up being seen as an "unhelpful brother". Sometimes, I wish they'd just open their mouths and ask.
Most of the time, I know that in my heart that they know of my disastrous spiritual growth. True discernment, my ex Vice-President of CF (ACJC Christian Fellowship) knows that there is "something very wrong with me" but somehow, though my CGL (cell group leader: merf) and Alice (She's really Holy) can discern, its like they don't ask it out right and tell me directly. They often give me opportunities to open up myself about my spiritual health to them.
But due to the pride of my heart, I stubbornly refuse their help and advances. Sometimes I wish that I had really strict spiritual leaders to guide me along, at least that way I would certainly lead a less sinful life, instead of the one I'm leading right now.
Charles once told me, "The amount of sin in the world has gone down when it has actually gone up, because over the ages, men have become good at hiding their sin from others". Charles was the CF Prayer Coordinator. He's like the Holiest guy I've met in my life in this generation. READ: he started preaching at the age of 14! No doubt, he'll one day take this country and more for Jesus!
I love Jesus, but honestly, I can only say that with my mouth, my heart and mind beg to differ on this. =(
Hopefully, one day in the nearer future, I can get a permanent spiritual breakthrough, a life of permanent victory, so that I won't be so evil again, won't be so sinful again. And can be a little holier. I'm willing to give up EVERYTHING in this world for Jesus. Though I don't say this out loud to others, this is how my heart truly feels. I don't mind starving, being poor, sick, in pain and suffering or give up money, a girlfriend, friends and life itself. If can can just bow down and worship at the feet of Jesus in the Throne Room in Heaven.
Please don't get me wrong, I'm not a religious person. All I want is a RELATIONSHIP.
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